Marriage is falling apart after a failed threesome with my husband’s best friend

I'm not a sexually adventurous person. I admit that. After 20 years of the same thing my husband wanted to spice things up. My husband wanted to try out the experience of new people.

Our first threesome was with a woman we both knew was very sexually open. She was a former coworker. It was for my husband's birthday. It was fine even if it wasn't my cup of tea but I just kept waking up with flashbacks to the event months after.

Then it was a threesome with a man and my husband suggested his best friend Z. I didn't have objections but maybe I should have.

Looking back at it, I wasn't ready to be the "center" of attention. The first threesome was easier because I didn't have to participate much and I could just withdraw and let my husband and the coworker do their thing.

This one was just way too much and in my face. But I tried to put a smile on. After a couple minutes of foreplay my husband needed to take a break because he hadn't eaten and he told Z and I to continue while he grabbed a snack.

We continued but Z suddenly asked me if I was okay. I just started crying and he immediately stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. That only made me cry harder.

I felt really ashamed and embarrassed and overwhelmed. And I couldn't articulate why at that point.

He helped me clean up and put my clothes back on and just hugged me until I felt better and more calm. Z asked me again what was wrong and asked if he made me feel uncomfortable and I had to explain that it was just overwhelming with having four hands on me and being with someone else other than my husband and having to see him with someone else and sleeping with a friend and I was just not ready.

My husband came back later and joked that he missed the action and if I was ready for round 2. Z told him I wasn't ready for anything and that it was a bad idea. They ended up having a back and forth about when was a good time and I barely remember what they said.

It's been a couple of months since that and my husband and I have agreed on no more threesomes and he apologized that it was a disaster.

I feel guilty for being attracted to Z. My husbands always been slightly insecure if his partner prefers Z over him since his first girlfriend tried to cheat on him with Z. Maybe the threesome was a way to placate his feelings and make him feel more secure that I wasn't going to do that. But I harbored no attracted to Z before the threesome.

But I can feel our marriage crumbling. I keep having flashbacks to him and his coworker. And I just keep remembering Z comforting me while my husband made stupid jokes about round 2 and missing the action.

comments of peoples

Oof op I'm so sorry. It seems like there are significant issues you guys need to address that were thrust forwards when pushing boundaries. It does not sound like this was mutually agreed more you're trying to please your husband. By not articulating and exploring your discomfort and not feeling able to communicate openly and safely on it I really do wonder whether you've almost got PTSD from these events. The only advice I can give is. Number one agree to immidiately close the relationship. Number two strongly consider therapy separately and together. You two need to reconnect on a base level. It sounds like you especially need to feel safe secure and empowered to express yourself. I'd suggest you both work hard to spend time together in non sexual spaces that make you happy. I'm so sorry this happened to you and good on Z for immidiately realising and doing the right thing.

Oh I’m sorry. Z sounds like he was very understanding and nice about it at least. That would be very over whelming to suddenly have a different partner. I think talking out your feelings and what happened with your husband would help. Maybe with a counselor to help mediate and help you both work through it.

I think maybe it's not Z, specifically, but rather the wake-up of experiencing the contrast between what you experience in your marriage as the norm, and being listened to, and shown kindness and empathy and supportive understanding.

It may be time to ruminate on what you've grown to accept in your everyday life. Is there listening, kindness, empathy and support? Or are you taken for granted, and are your feelings dismissed?