Losing my virginity has ruined my life.

First I'd like to start off by saying this post come with a massive amount of guilt, however by no way is it an admission of guilt.

Second English is my first language but I'm not a very good story teller.

Decades ago my family (Me: 7 Brother: 9 Mother: 32 and step mother: 28) lived in my great grandpa's home where my grandma and uncle "took care" of my great grandpa who had Alzheimer's. I'll be the first to admit my brother and I had a very turbulent relationship with one another which of course lead to a lot of fights which most of time our mom had to break up, more often then not irritated my grandma. not for breaking up the fight but for a ruckus it would make. My Grandma, let's call her Anne, was truly strange and not in the lulz random, cool Disney grandma strange, but she was/probably still is a child at heart. a lesson I would continue to hold in my heart. She was always held up in her room, not really helping my great grandpa, just collecting his checks and spending them on weed, drugs and God knows what else. When my mother was raped by her father(and step father later on) Anne did nothing about it but just told her to get over it and to keep her distance from her attackers. truly a passionate person. Red flag #1

When this story takes place at my house I found myself stumbling upon a Playboy Christmas edition! I felt something old and familiar as if I was already made aware of my sexuality.

6 months of drama later we got kicked out of my great grandpa's house, got ghosted by my Anne and my uncle(to this day), and had all of our memories towed away. my mom's car had everything, scrapbooks of our first haircut, family photos, few baby clothes to be passed on and my brother's Pikachu N64. My mom was told she'd have a few days to get the car but within an hour of getting said notice, Anne had it towed away.

Around the same time I was showing behavioral issues in school which lead many administrators to believe I was being sexually abused at home. Physically so by my brother, yes! Sexually by my mom or step mom, Hell No! I had social workers as me vague questions as if to get a confession out of me, even at the time I could see through their BS questions, but the fact remained that I was, in fact, sexually active at that age.

everything changed.

My step mother's sister(we'll call her Tina) did her part of helping us out during those months of drama (2-4 months) but she had kids of her own to worry about (3 girls and one boy) the eldest daughter, around 6, knew it this "game" we both could play....fade to black.

After my dumb fucking actions the whole family ostracized me as some perverted delinquent that needed to be caged and locked away in a zoo or at least that how it felt.

I'm not here to defend my actions or to make myself out to be some poor soul caught in the merciless web of circumstance, but rather to tell the story from my perspective as unbiased as one can be.

Years later (2010) I start to realize why I was so enthralled with sex and masturbation, it was my only escape from the pain of reality and was the "perfect" distraction for how shitty things were/continued to be and I used it as a crutch anytime things became inconvenient and my actions grew more shameless and lewd as time progressed, going as far as sucking off those who'd pick me up off the street on walks home. I didn't care, it was an escape and I knew I wouldn't die cause who wants a kids blood on their hands?? at least that was the thought process at the time and I was willing to put my life on the line just for the sheer erotic rush one would get from such acts.

Sadly, what lead to this post, and what made sense of the harsh upbringing I experienced came to light. It was her. Anne was the one who Molested me from a young age and when she heard the schools were asking questions, she panicked and cut all ties, sold everything, and skipped town to not be held responsible for her deplorable actions. actions that I had repressed for so long, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm still reeling back from it. How do I apologize for the way I acted towards those who don't wanna hear it from me? how come I can't resist sexual temptation, so much so I'm willing to risk my life for it?

I have no proper ending to this so, thanks for reading.