If There’s No Sex in the Relationship - Can the Couple Survive?

Dearest friend, my darling

Here are, from me to you, my words, uttered in a moment of truth, after all these good years we had together.

When I, more than 35 years ago, met you, the girl who was to become my life companion for all these years, I didn't think at all at this question:

If There's No Sex in the Relationship  -  Can the Couple Survive?

It was a time and a period in life where we - or at least I - never thought about that question: No Sex In The Relationship? No way!

Frankly, I could not possibly imagine that for me. A relationship without sex - it has to me always seemed totally unlikely, totally out of everything we could imagine, you and I.

When we met each other, we were both of us in our prime, no longer entirely young adults, but also no more than half-aged. I will always remember the feeling I had when we were intimate together; it was as if the locks inside us opened. Locks that released trapped feelings and a desire that had lain dormant in both of us for far too long.

We were two young adults from different environments and maybe also from slightly different cultures; two strangers who met and found each other.

You and I, we were one. We experienced our love as a lightning strike that hit us in the heart. We lived dazzled by the sharp light of the newly discovered love, and we were intense and physically close together. We both could hardly get enough of the good we gave each other.

When I think back to that phase in our relationship, it strikes me that there was a great closeness between us - an intensity in the intimate physical contact, and mentally a closeness that we both benefited from and fully enjoyed.

We read each other's secret wishes and we spoke a simple language. Thus we helped each other to understand what was good for each of us. We both focused on how we could help the other to achieve these goals, and we defined wordlessly and with simple messages between us the things we wanted to do together. We agreed tacitly about our common emotional and intellectual goals, and we used all the forms of language that we knew of - body language, visual impressions, whispers, humorous gazes, calm facial expressions, thoughts that we conveyed through combinations of smiles, facial expressions, sounds and directly pronounced words with explanations.

We did not discuss, nor did we thematize the love, eroticism and sex we had and lived in. We just lived it. We were in it. We also did not talk about how much and how often we should have sex together. It came all naturally. It was not a conversation topic . In our world, it was not a relevant question. Sex and pleasure and orgasm were natural parts of what we were doing, of what we considered as love itself.

I came home and you came and met me in the hallway. You put your arms around me and I had my arms around you. I felt the weight of your body against my body. I felt this was right, this was good, this was the only thing I wanted. And we ended up into the bedroom without having planned it or said a word. We took off each other's clothes and we did it soft and hard and long and slow and fast, all that was inevitable and good.

In our cohabitation we went through different phases or stages. Our time together was marked by playful smiles, secretive and alluring glances. You smiled at me and it was enough for me to meet you. I could put my hand on your shoulder without having planned it or said a word. And without having planned it or said a word, your mouth came towards mine. I could kiss your mouth; you kissed me back. I kissed your face and I could not stop because you were all in me as I was all in you. You smiled at me and I felt I could read your mind, your feelings.

"I will always have it like this with you," I said. "We must never let go of this."

"But listen," you said, "can you imagine our relationship without this, without sex?"

You had whispered these words into my ear. We lay tired and relaxed on the bed after another intense, orgiastic session. I wanted to be in that bubble forever. I had difficulties to take in your words.

But then you said this:

"What do you think, what if this does not last forever. Our relationship, a marriage without sex - can it survive, will it be a viable relationship?"

You stopped, looked at me, then went on:

"Yes, dear, will our marriage - without sex - be viable in the future?"

I hesitated. I did not respond to your words. I would rather not think about it, I would rather stay in the moment, in what we had in the past, feeling good all the time.

My dearest,

a relationship, a marriage is a complex and complicated thing. It is about a cohabitation, a marriage that could last for many years and which in my mind, and hopefully also in yours, is still meant to last for years to come.

"I believe," I once said to you, "that we must strive, we must make an effort to come back to where we were in the earlier years."

You then smiled at me, you gave me courage to hold on.

"You and I," I said, "we have always believed in our relationship, we trusted ourselves and each other. And we plan for the future. We will stick together indefinitely, as long as we can. Can we do it? Can we?"

Dear,

my plan is a good one. Most people, I suppose, have thoughts about their relationship/marriage that include a long horizon. I believe it is normal and in the nature of the human beings to think of the relationship in a long term. It is natural and it concords with the nature of the humans to build and maintain lasting relations and a long lasting relationship, over time, over many, many years.

You and I - we are partners, we are lovers. We have found each other many years ago and we feel that we are deeply connected and love each other for who we are…

You and I - we have lived a period of intense union and we have confirmed each other through verbal, emotional and physical acts. We have started to feel deeply united…

You and I - we have started to feel as one  -  and at the same time we both are fairly stable, emotionally and psychically - and then there was a moment when we could say to each other:

We got it, we have built a lifetime mutual commitment to each other.

We adore and cultivate each other. - With words, with a glance and a sensual gaze. With smiles and infectious laughter, physical and spiritual presence, touching the bodies, one feels the other close, physically and mentally stripped, naked skin, erotic joy, tender and raw sexuality  -  all we can think of.

Yes  -  then there was a moment when we could say to one another: We have it, we have a lifelong mutual desire for one another.

We have children too, now we are family, we are past, present and future in one.

So far, so good.

Love was here. You gave me back what I gave you - and the other way round.

I hope I still can say: Love is here.

Most people, regardless of culture, country they live in and social belonging, primarily want to experience a long  -  preferably a lifelong relationship with the person they love.

Based on the strong experience when we were falling in love, we still stand on a solid rock to face coming years of hard work and challenges.

And the years of hard work and challenges have now come. In everyone's life they always come, the years of hard work and challenges in the relationship.

We know it very well, you and I:

People get tired and weary.

People change. Their priorities and preferences change.

The feelings change.

Health can change.

The mind changes.

Nothing rests the same over the years. A man or a woman is not a static object.

We develop, we change both intellectually and emotionally.

I clearly admit it - I am not the man today that I was yesterday.

You are not the woman you were a year ago.

Life is always in a continuous process of change.

Standing at the river, we can never step down into the same water as we got out of a moment ago.

Maybe is it that you have started to think that sex is boring, because it is always the same thing with me. With me and you. Boring?

Almost every couple has to work it through this experience. That's where the quality of the relationship reveals itself.

And what  -  exactly  -  is good quality of the relationship?

The quality of the relationship reveals itself in the ways the partners manage to talk together and find solutions to the problems that arise.

The quality of the relationship reveals itself in the ways the partners handle the challenges and successfully help each other when it is important to give support and to invest in the relationship.

No one is perfect, and most people also admit that they are not perfect, at least when they have the time to think it over a little.

The moment of truth is when the couple plunge into the deepest challenges and they have to come out with a viable solution.

Life in a relationship can indeed be very challenging!

But it also gives much back  -  when it is time to give back. There must be willingness on both sides to go back and try to fix things, and to help each other to be the best version of ourselves.

In a relationship between two humans almost everything can be fixed  -  if the basic conditions and the willingness are present.

But what if there's no sex in the relationship  -  can the couple survive?

There is one basic rule for a relationship, let's say a classic one, a relationship where there is a woman and a man involved. There is sexuality. In the beginning much erotics, much sex.

Then later the children demand more and more attention and energy - there is less sex  -  although there is still sex. Sex has to be a part of the couple's intimate life. If not, the couple and the relationship are in serious danger.

Why is that so?

Humans are very complicated beings. We are  -  as everyone knows - capable of the worst  -  and the best.

In a relationship this truth shows up at least as often as elsewhere. Sometimes we are lazy. We get bored, and sometimes  -  not always  -  we meet up to the sexual intercourse with no engagement at all  -  and that's sometimes a disaster.

Some do not want to have sex because of too many deceptions.

Others have medical reasons, while some are done with sex because it's boring and not satisfactory.

Dear, perhaps might this be the reason for our challenge? Some medical reason - do you have an issue, is the problem the pain you feel during penetration? Maybe we can talk about it, maybe we can try something else, other than penetration?

Whatever excuse people have for not having sex with their partner in the marriage or the relationship, when the one partner needs sex  - and the other partner cannot,  there is a danger of ruin, of losing contact, losing what the relationship was built on.

Dear,

as a man I know I have things to learn about female sexuality. I need to learn about what is good for you. I need to learn what I need to know to be the lover you want. I need to learn about clitoral stimulation, I need to learn about your orgasm. Just like you could learn about my sexuality, what turns me on.

Some women might be subject to some kind of orgasmic or sexual dysfunction. They do not know enough, or they do not pay attention to the fact that clitoral stimulation during sex could increase their chances to have orgasms. Or they feel too much pain during the penetration, so having sex is a curse, not a pleasure.

But this does not have to be a problem! Imagine an example, think of us. We are a couple who have lived together for over 30 years. We have had children who now are grown up and are starting to give birth to new children, our grand-children! We are then becoming grand-ma and grand-pa. That' so nice, so cute!

We slip into the new roles of grand-parents and enjoy it, but for some reason or other, we have begun to let go what was so important earlier in our relationship: being close to each other, our erotic games, showing tenderness and having sex.

There can be numerous good reasons, physical or mental  -  anything - why the partner who does not feel the desire for sex any longer, and let herself or himself go. There's always thumb down when then question arises: Shall we have - eh, shall we be close to one another ... tonight …? Can we be together again tonight, it's such a long time since last…

And from one of the partners there is an impatient movement, body language rejecting the careful proposal from the partner who misses sex.

What should be done is  -  I think  -  obvious.

My dear, my beloved one,

our relationship cannot live in a healthy manner without sex. When you do not feel the longing for sex, you must although try to see my sexual needs. We should meet each other on the half-way, we should both try to see and accept the needs of the other.

The lack of sexual lust should not be allowed to impact our couple's life totally and in a negative way.

What can we do, then?

Well, it is not that complicated. It's about give and take, here as everywhere else in life. There must be a balance and a practice in everyday life characterized by reciprocity and respect.

If I as a man think that you, 'my' woman should be able to climax vaginally through penetrative sex, and you tell me that it's not good for you, and that it is even painful - then I should accept that fact. And I should talk with you about how we both can enjoy erotica and sexual intercourse in ways that are good for both of us.

And the same the other way - if I - 'your' man still feel the need for sex in our relationship, you should think seriously through the matter. And we should both talk together and try to find a viable solutions. Only then we both can say we take responsibility for our relationship as a couple.

The alternative - to just ignore the problem because one of us does not find that it is a problem - is unacceptable. I would like you to think through this. Is it worth it? Is it worth it to let go the sex life of our couple? What's the win  -  and what's the loss?

Could it be that sex is an important glue in the relationship? Good sex makes the partners feel closer to each other. Good sex can compensate for many things that are not perfect in the relationship.

A primordial task and a challenge for me as the man in our relationship should for this reason absolutely be to learn to value the female orgasm. Like every other man in a relationship I should clearly become aware of and learn to practice clitoral stimulation. I know it's possible, I know it is even good; using the finger, playing the instrument and fin-tune it so that our relationship can continue to live and grow.