I Told My Friends I’m a Professional Dominatrix. This Is What I Wish I Knew.

Being a professional dominatrix isn’t something you usually bring up casually at brunch or during a work meeting. But for me, telling my friends who I really am (beyond the usual small talk) was a turning point. If you’re thinking about how to tell your friends you’re a dominatrix, or you’ve already started down that road, here’s my story, some lessons I learned, and advice on how to prepare yourself for the conversations ahead.

My Story. Coming Out as a Dominatrix

When I first started working as a professional dominatrix here in Melbourne, I kept it totally separate from my social life. I thought it was easier that way. The sex scene in Melbourne is pretty eclectic - you’ve got everything from underground dungeons in the inner north to kinky art shows and festivals. It feels open in some circles, but outside that, there’s still a lot of judgment.

At first, I didn't tell anyone about it. The weight of hiding this fact started to feel heavier than my leather shoes. After the initial sessions, I wanted to celebrate the fact that I was making real money doing something I loved. One evening, while having a drink, I finally shared it with my best friend. I thought she would be shocked or even pull away from me. Instead, she just laughed and said, “Well, that explains your obsession with latex.” At that moment, I realized how important it is to be authentic, even when you feel embarrassed. But looking back, I would have done a few things differently, rather than just blurting it out at such an unexpected moment.

Preparing Yourself Mentally

If you think that telling your friends that you are a professional dominatrix is just sharing your job title with them, you are very much mistaken.

Before you say anything, think about why you want to tell them. Is it because you want support? Or maybe because you’re tired of hiding? Knowing your “why” will help you stay calm regardless of how the conversation goes.

Practice how you’ll say it. This sounds simple, but saying “I’m a dominatrix” out loud a few times to yourself helps you find your own tone, whether it’s casual, proud, or just matter-of-fact. For me, I found it helped to explain a little about what being a dominatrix really means: it’s about consent, power dynamics, and trust, not just whips and chains.

What to Expect When You Tell Your Friends You’re a Dominatrix

Reactions can vary greatly. Some friends will be curious, others may be confused, and a few may even secretly judge you. In any case, their feelings are understandable. After all, this is not a standard office job.

One thing I learned is that most people react based on their own beliefs and fears, not because of anything you did wrong. One friend who was totally okay with the news just needed a few days. On the other hand, another one who I thought would be understanding started asking a lot of personal questions (maybe she was just curious), but I felt a little uncomfortable, maybe unnecessarily so.

You might also find some friends distance themselves. That hurts, but it’s their choice, not a reflection of your worth.

How to Talk About Your Work Without Oversharing

When you’re telling your friends about being a dominatrix, you don’t have to share everything. It’s perfectly fine to keep some parts private, like client details or specific sessions.

I usually keep the explanation general and focus on the principles: consent, safety, and that it’s a professional service. I explain that it’s not about sex the way most people think, but about emotional and psychological play.

If someone presses too much, it’s okay to say, “I’m happy to talk about this, but some things are personal.” You’re in control of the conversation, and that’s part of what being a dominatrix is about: setting boundaries.

Unique Backdrop for My Journey

Living and working as a dominatrix in Melbourne comes with its own flavor. The city has a rich, diverse sex and kink scene, with venues that welcome everything from soft kink to hardcore BDSM. But that doesn’t mean everyone here is ready to talk openly about it.

I found that in neighborhoods like Fitzroy and Collingwood, the attitude is more open and curious. But in more traditional suburbs, the reaction can still be reserved or even judgmental.

This taught me that context matters. You might be super open with friends in one group and choose to be more discreet with others. Both are valid ways to navigate your truth in a city like Melbourne.

How Your Friendships Might Change and How to Handle It

Once you tell your friends that you are a dominatrix, the situation may change. Some friendships may deepen because now they know the real you. Others may become awkward or distant. That's part of the process. You can’t control other people’s reactions, but you can control how you respond. I made peace with the fact that not everyone would get it, but those who stayed close respected me more for being honest.

And some friends surprised me. One friend came out about their own hidden interests after I told her. Another invited me to a local BDSM event, and we went together. Being open made my social life richer in unexpected ways.

Practical Tips for Your “Coming Out” Conversation

• Practice what you want to say - Think about what you want to say and rehearse the conversation in the comfort of your own home.
• Be prepared for their various reactions - people don't often hear that their friend is a Dominatrix, so be prepared for them to react enthusiastically, negatively, with surprise, or with incomprehension.
• Have resources ready - Sometimes sharing a blog, a documentary, or even a tweet thread can help explain.
• Give people time - Some will need a minute to wrap their heads around it.
• Don’t overshare unless invited - You don’t need to give a play-by-play unless you want to.

What I Wish I Knew Before Telling My Friends

If I had a chance to do it all again, I’d remind myself of these things:

• Not everyone will understand right away. And that’s okay.
• You don’t have to convince anyone of your worth.
• Being prepared with how to talk about your work makes it easier.
• Boundaries protect your mental health.
• Honesty can bring freedom, but it also takes courage.

Your Truth, Your Pace

The choice to tell your friends you’re a dominatrix is deeply personal. There's no need to rush. Some people feel relieved after telling the truth, while others need more time and prefer to do it “in parts.”

Whatever you decide, remember that your work is valid, your boundaries matter, and your community is out there. Even if it takes a little time to find it.

When You Finally Say It Out Loud

There’s a unique power in speaking your truth. When I told my friends, it was like stepping into a new skin, a skin I’d chosen and crafted myself. It wasn’t just about revealing my job, but claiming my identity.

If you’re ready to tell your friends, I hope you find the same relief and strength that I did. And if you’re not there yet, that’s perfectly okay too. The right time is your time.

In the end, being a professional dominatrix is about control and that starts with owning your story.