Expert’s 1 key trait to make you super attractive

One of my greatest struggles in life has always been with self-confidence.

Why do we run into that, exactly?

When we’re very young kids, confidence isn’t usually a problem.

We believe in ourselves and have no problem expressing our needs and desires.

But slowly and ever so surely, the world chips away at us.

For me, I think it was some combination of:

Being part of a family I always kind of knew would eventually break apart

Being an introvert in a world that is openly hostile to introverts

Brutal, years-long homophobic bullying because my best friend was suspected of being gay

Being encouraged to wallow and overindulge in the negative feelings associated with the above points

All of these culminated in a long stretch of alcoholism in my late 20s and through my 30s until, mercifully, I broke free at 41 and became the happy, confident, successful entrepreneur I am today.

I went from feeling like a loser to feeling like a winner, and at the end of the day, YOU are the person you should be working hardest to impress.

But in that journey also lies the secret to making yourself irresistibly attractive to others, according to one expert psychotherapist.

In fact, there’s one trait that’s valued above all others, and it has nothing to do with how you look.

Let’s talk about that now.

The real secret to attraction?

I came across an article this week about a relational psychotherapist who was asked what attracts people most to a potential mate.

No, not what people say they’re attracted to, what they’re actually attracted to.

And no, it wasn’t bulging muscles or cosmetically enhanced facial features.

In fact, it had nothing to do with physical appearance at all.

Here’s what relational psychotherapist Claire Law told Metro:

“In a relationship sense, self-assurance is a green flag that screams: ‘Hey, I know who I am. I’m comfortable in my own skin.’

“Who wouldn’t want a partner like that? Someone who’s not constantly seeking validation or approval.

“A self-assured partner won’t be clingy or needy — they’ll have their own thing going on, which is really sexy.”

According to Law, these behaviors hint at other qualities that a potential partner likely values, including stability, resilience, and maturity.

In other words, you’re reliable, trustworthy, and … not a weirdo.

She explains:

“If you’re self-assured, you’re probably pretty good at managing your emotions, coping with stress and making decisions. These are all things that make for a solid, healthy relationship.

“Self-assurance is such an attractive quality because it telegraphs a certain attitude to the world.

“Self-assured people tend to be more at peace with themselves … they’ve made their peace with their strengths and weaknesses.”

I think that last point is really important.

Who are you really?

It’s not about being Superman or Wonder Woman and being emotionally invincible, and it’s not about hiding weaknesses you may have.

I have plenty of self-confidence now, but I can still share at the top of this story that I’m an introvert, I come from a broken family, that I was bullied mercilessly as a kid, and that I became an alcoholic as a result.

The difference between now and when I was a shell of a person with no self-confidence is that those are just interesting parts of my backstory now — not who I am.

That flows from self-assurance.

Before, I was ashamed of those challenges.

Now I’m proud of the fact I overcame them.

OK, so are there practical ways to actually develop self-assurance?

I’ll tell you what Claire Law suggests, and then I’ll tell you what I think the actual, secret key is.

How to develop and project self-assurance

The psychotherapist gives some tips on how to project self-assurance on a date — stand tall, make eye contact, smile warmly, don’t fidget, for example.

She also suggests engaging in balanced conversations, sharing opinions with confidence, and being forthright about how you feel.

The only issue with that, in my opinion, is you run the risk of coming off as overconfident or (*shudders*) arrogant if these are things you’re actively trying to do.

If you’re happy and comfortable with yourself, in most cases you won’t have to try and project confidence at all.

I feel like I ran into this not from a dating perspective, but from a whole-life perspective.

Feeling under attack a lot early in my life, I developed a huge chip on my shoulder.

But a chip on your shoulder is different than self-assurance.

Self-assurance is a belief in your own value.

A chip on your shoulder is opposition to others.

OK, so how did I convert a chip into genuine self-confidence?

Two things you can do today

As I’ve argued a few times before, I believe there are two true keys to happiness in life.

And the more I think about it, I think they’re the foundation of self-confidence as well.

The first is to MOVE.

The second is to CREATE.

Here’s what I wrote in a piece on overcoming midlife crises:

“The first one is the easy part, but I can tell you from personal experience: it won’t work without the second.

“You may feel fit, but you will not feel fulfilled.

“What can you create?

“What can you write, draw, dance, paint, build?

“These kinds of activities have been so devalued by our society it makes me sick.

“The ‘learn to code’ crew would have you believe that anything you do should be aimed at making you a cog in the machine of capitalism and that anything else is a childish waste of time.

“This is nonsense, and it’s preventing people from seeing that the secret to a happy second half of life is to keep striving, keep creating.

“Could your creative pursuit be starting your own business? Developing a charity organization that helps people in your community? Learning a language so you can better communicate with people at your next travel destination? Building luxury birdhouses to sell? Fixing old cars and flipping them?

“My point is, it has to be something.

“Netflix isn’t a raison d’etre.”

Creating something you’re proud of out of thin air really is the most fulfilling thing you can do in life, and I can tell you from personal experience it does wonders for your self-confidence.

All my life I wanted to be an entrepreneur, yet a lack of self-confidence and previous trauma kept me in an alcoholic loop in which I accomplished … not very much at all.

Quitting drinking and building a successful business gave me the most priceless gift of all: an optimistic belief in myself.

I don’t need to think about how I project self-assurance now.

I just have it.

There’s enough fake confidence plastered all over social media nowadays.

Ask instead what you can create today that would express your uniqueness and that you would be proud of.

That might be the Step 1 toward self-assurance you’re looking for.

And then other people will be naturally attracted to you as a result.

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