Diary of a Rubber Doll

Day 6

As I stared in the mirror that I had no choice but to see, what they had accomplished both disgusted and amazed me. For days now, maybe longer, who knew, they had allowed me sight. Even during sleep time my eyes were wide open... They had after all taken my eyelids...

The creature before me, and that is all it could be referred to since it no longer truly looked human, was beautiful and hideous at the same time... Yet it was ME!!!

It looked like a grotesque cross between a cat and a human only without fur... with some weird rubbery skin that somehow they had managed to make just like real skin. It bruised and healed just like real skin and I had no idea how they could have accomplished this...

My eyes.... the pupils just like a real cat's eyes, reacted the same way. Bright light made them contract and darkness made them expand.... Excitement also made them expand... But what they had done to my body is what I kept staring at....

My arms were still firmly bound behind me with promises that I might "earn" their use at some point in the future. The hands looked deformed now, like real cat paws but I could not tell if they had gone so far as to give me toe beans....

I had grown weary of staring at myself and at times desperately wished they would turn it off. The humiliation they forced me to suffer was almost more than I could bear to watch, yet I had to... My caretaker, with the warm hands, was male but I still had no idea what his name was...

He was handsome, tall and very lean. I wondered if they had modified him as well or if he had come into his position willingly.... He did take great care in my care... almost as if he truly cared about my wellbeing... But how could anyone watch this happen and be alright with it? What compensation, if any, did he get for being here and not running to authorities and telling them what was happening here?

Where was here anyways??? I had no way to know where I was or where I would go if I ever left this place.... Every breath sent tingles through my chest and at times I hated the piercings in my nipples.... I was learning to better control my responses though and the voice kept telling me this was a good thing...

My legs grew stronger all the time and I knew they would change the heels one day... I had no idea what a ballet heel was and I was pretty sure I did not wish to find out. I had phantom aches where my toes used to be, and at times almost felt as if they were wiggling in the heels. My hands sometimes felt the same, as if the fingers needed stretched and when I would try the sadness that they were gone overwhelmed me...

Being trapped inside your own body with no way to truly communicate was torture in and of itself. The fact that these people could do whatever they wanted and I had no way to even protest made it worse.... But realizing that I was enjoying it on the deepest, darkest levels of myself is what was the most terrifying....

As much as I wanted to hate all of this, each day was proving to me that I wanted it.... They were teaching me things about myself that I had not dared to even fantasize about....

The walking exercises had continued.. day in and day out I was strapped to that machine and forced to walk until I nearly collasped. A few times I had passed out from the stimulation, but oddly they had not punished me... unless leaving my sight all the time WAS the punishment..

I often wonder what other lessons they will teach me... Which one might be next.... The thought of being used as the voice had explained many times.... would I be forced to watch myself used or would they blind me????

I wasn't sure which one I would prefer... Part of me was turned on by the thought of being forced to watch myself be used by who knew who.... Another part of me wanted to be blind.... Would I ever accept this and embrace it fully????

The voice kept telling me what they had done to me was permanent and could never be undone... From what I had been staring at in the mirror I tend to believe them... But how could I embrace being... THIS... forever...

Some women dream of having their every care or whim catered to... In a real sense I now had it and was fighting it... resisting it... WHY? I could not change it, could not escape, cannot escape now.... So, why am I still resisting this and fighting it? I DO enjoy what they do to me.... My brain says it hates it when my body loves every second of it...

Just wondering what the lesson today will be excites me and frightens me...I can see the caretaker moving around behind me and I know my lesson will be soon....

I long for real food though.... I miss the smallest things, things most people take for granted... The taste of hot coffee on my tongue, a piece of chocolate melting in my mouth.. Things I will likely never experience again....

The goo they force feed me is disgusting, but oddly filling. I imagine it is something like that stuff bodybuilders use... And just like that it begins trickling into my mouth. I have grown used to the taste and texture but I still hate it. No amount of imagination could make it taste like anything else.

Nothing but silence at the moment, usually the voice would speak and prepare me for the day. Today must be different, something new for me to face, endure and hope to endure to their approval. Anything less meant a punishment and lately I have been lucky enough to not be punished. Unless you think living like this isn't punishment enough....

The normal routine went as usual. The relief I felt when my bladder emptied was overwhelming. I had not even noticed just how badly I needed to go... It was strange the things I now began ignoring about my own body...

I often wonder just how many other people are actually at this place.... How many others like me... Will I ever see them? I also wonder how I was even selected... Did some weird sicko stalk me? I may never get these answers for sure, but they most certainly are always in my thoughts...

Once the morning ritual was complete, the caretaker began unstrapping me. I come to think of it as the morning ritual but truly have no idea what time of day it really is. Even with my vision I have yet to see a window in this place. I long to feel the sun on my skin and wonder if it would feel the same now as it had before....

"Lucy, you have been doing so weel. We are all very proud of you," the voice invaded my thoughts as I stood up and waited for the caretaker to do whatever it is they were supposed to.

"Today you will be fitted with your permanent ballet heels and given time to adjust to them. It will not be easy or comfortable, but we are positive you will adjust well," the voice informed me. All I could do was nod as the caretaker attached a leash to my collar and began leading me out of the room.

I could only assume these heels would be far taller than the ones I was currently wearing and that thought terrified me. I had just mastered walking in these without pain!

The building I was in seemed like a hospital almost, so white and sterile. There were no decorations, no other colors, just white everywhere you looked. Even the doors were white with silver handles. Everything always looked freshly scrubbed and smelled faintly of bleach. I wonder who they had taking all the time to do all of this deep cleaning....

Once inside the room the caretaker lead me to an exam type table and had me sit upon it. The caretaker released my leash and placed my feet into a pedal that lifted up to where he had taken a seat on a stool before me. He never made eye contact and that bothered me. I watched as he carefully removed the heels I had worn for so long and honestly hated.

When the heels came off and I saw what they had done to my feet I wanted to scream. I had stumps, for a lack of better words. My toes were gone and part of my foot had been shaved down to make it more narrow. It resembled what that culture did when they would wrap feet thinking it made them more desirable. To me it looked grotesque and hideous.

"I see you looking at your feet Lucy," the voice said softly as I tried to scowl but knew it would not be visible to them. "When you see the ballet heels you will understand the modifications were made to your feet to make wearing these heels as comfortable for you as possible."

That idea scared me. Why would they need to modify my feet in order to wear some ballet heels? Then the caretaker laid the boot things near me and I saw them. The toe had such a sharp point and the heel itself was so narrow I just knew I would never even be able to stand on it, let alone walk.

"What you are seeing is a pair of ballet boots that was special made just for you. They will go just above you knees and once they are on they will never come off. The knees have built in padding since you will be on your knees quite a bit," the voice explained and the caretaker held up the boot for me to see. I wanted to scream and protest but I also did not wish to be punished....

The caretaker lifted my right foot and slowly slipped my foot into the boot. It felt like a soft glove and my foot fit perfectly into it. He pulled it up over my knee and began buckling it on. I noticed around the ankles were cuffs that had small locks....

He buckled and tugged until the boot wasperfectlyand then he fixed a small padlock to the cuff on the ankle. I watched as he did the same to my left foot and did not resist. I knew any resistance would be met with severe punishment. When he was finished he set my foot back onto the pedal and lowered it. I was not ready for this....

The boots looked magnificent on my legs and all the practice had made my calves very strong and firm, but these heels? I turned them and examined them as I sat there waiting for the voice to tell me what to do.

"Lucy, you will now stand up and practice walking around the room without being lead by your caretaker. He will of course make sure you do not fall though," the voice spoke and all I could do was nod. But I could not make myself take the necessary step to get up off the table to stand.

"Now Lucy," the voice said a bit more firmly and I put my right foot to the floor carefully. Then I slid my left foot to the floor and set some of my weight on them before actually trying to stand up.

The first thing I noticed about the boots is that the balance was very different. The toe area was severely angled and the heel was barely more than a thin spike. Walking on these would take a grace I was pretty sure I did not possess....

I did my best to stand and try to balance my weight but I nearly fell. The caretaker helped steady me and I simply stood in place trying to figure out how to properly balance myself on these boots. The fact that I did not have toes now made sense.... If I had toes I would imagine this would be extremely painful since all of my weight was practically on that part of my foot.

"Time to walk Lucy," the voice said and I took a deep breath before trying to take a step. My weight was on my left leg as I stepped with my right and it was very awkward. I nearly fell again and the caretaker was right there to steady me.

Once both feet were steady again I took another step and this time managed to balance better. Each step was torture because it put pressure on my feet, my calves and even the toys within me. I was so grateful they had not been activated as it took every ounce of my concentration to focus on simply walking.

One step after another I managed to balance right and begin walking without the fear of falling. I knew it would take some time for me to master these heels....

I could feel how the boots hugged my calves and imagined that they looked quite sexy but was terrified to look down. I looked straight ahead as I walked like a child who could not quite figure out their own legs... Each step made me feel excited and I could feel my own juice begin to flow. I ignored it and focused on my feet.

Why is this type of heel important to them? Why is it necessary to torment me with these things when I have hated heels all of my life??? I was never a girly girl, more of a tomboy so now being forced to learn to wear heels made me notice things....

In heels it is impossible to flex your foot in any way... I felt the need to flex and it was like an itch you cannot scratch... I could feel the pressure on my feet and calves, like no other pressure I had ever felt. The warmth of the calf muscle began spreading and I knew my legs would be forced to become stronger than they were right now.

Every step was sheer hell as I tried to balance and walk at the same time. The burn in my calves began quickly due to the severe heels. The tiny point for the heel was barely enough to touch the ground let alone walk on, but I pressed on. Tip toe I kept thinking, tip toe. It did help and even though I felt like I would topple over at any second, walking did become easier.

Each step made the toys within me move more so than before. Thankfully they were off at the moment. But every step drove them deeper and amplified how they felt within me. I could feel my juices flow and tried to ignore it. This still humiliated me, that I could not even wipe it off or cover it up. The caretaker didn't seem to notice or care that my juices nearly dripped from me as I was forced to learn to walk on these heels.

Every step became somewhat easier as I learned to balance myself in these impossible heels. I had a new respect for ballet dancers as I now understood how they tortured themselves to dance.... I was so thankful that I did not have toes, for if I had I would have been screaming in pain by now. The stump was aching but toreable at the moment and I wondered how much longer they would force me to walk.

"You are doing very well Lucy, your caretaker will return you to your room now to rest your legs. The ballet heels can be unforgiving and we do not want to overdo it on the first day," the voice informed me and the caretaker attached the leash to my collar.

Without warning they took my sight and I nearly panicked. My world went black in an instant. Now I had to walk back to my room in these heels and blind at the same time!!! I shook my head trying to beg for my sight back but all I felt was a tug at my collar. I took a step and tried to follow, focusing on my feet and trying not to fall.

The caretaker went slow, allowing me to go at my own pace thankfully. But he did not stop. It seemed to take forever to reach my area and be strapped back into my table. I tried to flex my calves because they were on fire and I needed relief... The caretaker placed cool packs of something against them and I sighed in relief.

Just as I began to relax the toys activated, all at once. Each one fucking me and enlarging without mercy. It was so sudden and such a shock I jerked at my bonds trying to escape the torment. My brain was on overload trying to deal with the ballet heels and now the toys invaded me.....

The gag shoved itself down my throat over and over and squirted the goo that I hated as if it were a real cock that had just orgasmed, but the goo kept flowing. I wanted to gag, to puke to be free of this but I was trapped....

The toys within my pussy and ass fucked me hard and enlarged until I thought I would explode. My juice flowed, betraying my own thoughts.... My body loved this but my thoughts still fought it....I struggled in my bonds and fought the sensations that threatened to overpower my own control....

"Remember Lucy, we can do as we please with you and there is nothing you can do to stop it," the voice reminded me. "We know you enjoy it. We can see how it affects you and this is why we push you past your own imagined limits."

My brain short circuited and I went into a place I could only describe as pure pleasure. Wave after wave of pleasure took me until I thought I would drown. But the toys did not stop this time. The goo stopped, but the gag rammed itself deep into my throat and remained there as the other toys just fucked me mercilessly. No amount of struggling helped, it only served to send me deeper into this place of pleasure that I realized I never wanted to leave.

The orgasms ripped my body as my brain floated in this place I shall call sub space, for it was't reality but it wasn't fantasy either....

That was the last thing I remembered that day diary.... Maybe I am finally embracing this.... Maybe I should...

Until next time dear diary....