Dear Men: Do You Owe Your Partner Hotness? What Does She Owe You?

I was around 35 when I started to see frequent anonymous posts in the mom’s groups that sounded like…

“My husband has checked out of how he looks and I am struggling. The weight in his belly and stamina loss also changed our sex life. He has a lot of back issues, gets winded easily and he’s started to slouch over from desk work I guess. Since he started working from home he’s also mostly in old t-shirts and cargo shorts. Sometimes I throw them out because the arm pits are stained. He’s lost his hair, which I think he feels bad about so he’s not really been open to going to a better hair dresser and he started avoiding getting his hair cut. What I feel so guilty about is that I notice myself checking out the men at work who dress well and work out some. I knew we would age. I know all men go bald at some point. I guess I didn’t think 40 would look like this for him — it feels like he has quit.

Also, he didn’t pressure me when I worked so hard to lose weight after each baby. I felt that pressure myself. He’s very accepting of me. He helps and doesn’t gaslight me. I know my body also isn’t exactly the same, even though I am putting a lot of effort into my health now. With perimenopause I feel like my mental health depend on it. I’ve tried encouraging him to come on my weekend hikes or to get him eating better like I do but he never feels like it. He’s not a bad guy, he’s a good dad, I don’t want a divorce, but I just don’t feel turned on by him — like at all. He’s just kind of grumpy and sitting on his phone mostly in any down time. And the quality of the sex we have is not really appealing to me at this point. I never knew women felt this way. I feel terrible about how I am reacting to this, but it’s been years.

Is this normal? What can I do to get past this?”

It is normal, really normal.

I have long wondered if the men claiming in cringey ways that ‘women don’t like having sex with them’ — have ever thought to explore how to be better in bed or the science of the unlimited female orgasm (using that handy super computer in their pocket). My guess is no. But also… I often look at the people’s photos making those public claims (of both genders) and think they just don’t seem very sexy.

Do you know what I mean?

I have to work through, equally with men and women, the resentment and entitlement issues surrounding being physically and energetically sexually appealing. These emotions — if ignored — can become the loudest undercurrent of someone’s romantic relationships.

Attraction is a very big deal in the life of humans.

And it’s hard to talk about.

Because these resentments and preferences hit where we’re most vulnerable: how we look, how we’re seen, and whether or not we’re still wanted.

This doesn’t just live in our heads. It shows up in the body (a somatic phrase) for both genders. Men and women alike can feel frustrated by what seems like an invisible mandate: you have to be sexy.

And what I want you to ask yourself is — what if that’s true on some level?

We hear so much about dead bedrooms in marriages with chronic honesty and effort issues — but I rarely hear about loss of attraction in marriages where the other areas are pretty much ok. It’s just one person — or both people — has kind of opted out of offering anything that might be appealing and light someone else up day to day.

And it’s a problem, because sexuality isn’t just the spontaneous moment in the bedroom it’s the build up and the overall appeal where you just feel turned on by someone who in their own unique way still turns themself on.

What isn’t sexy?

I don’t mean sexy in the internet sense — plastic perfection, pouty filters, muscle thirst traps. That’s not what most people I know actually want. Even the men I work with often describe desiring women with a soft face. I’ve come to realize that means they might prefer a woman who isn’t muscular, gaunt, using fillers for tightness or contouring with heavy makeup.

Right now, I can hear women defending their right to be low-weight body builders, go grey, ditch all makeup, embrace aging fully OR do Kardashian level body enhancements and wear so much makeup that your brain feels confused if you see them without it… and that’s true, women can do anything they want with their bodies. You can go hard in either direction and it is your right.

Men can also go full dad bod — rocking a soft belly, slumped shoulders, thin arms and bringing back a high school era t-shirt wardrobe as they work from home eating chips in bed on the Xbox. Men can do anything they want with their bodies too!

BUT, does your partner have to push through it and find some way to be physically attracted to you if you drastically shift your physical appearance in a way that utterly turns them off?

Does the brain even work like that?

Do people in the dating pool owe you some kind of a pass where they date you for your personality even if you aren’t appealing to what their body and brain respond to sexually?

Do people even work like that?

What do I think most people think is actually sexy?

So first, I have a very specific aesthetic that includes a snake tattoo down my forearm. I was sure that when I got my last tattoo it would certainly turn some men off and turn others on. Which is fine with me. People have very specific preferences in regards to what is and is not attractive to them. The cool part about 2025 maybe is that I see a vast range of body types cast as sexy.

Sexy isn’t one way — BUT we all certainly know when someone has an attractive energy and when it’s completely gone.

A big part of being “sexy” past age 30 — is really having a style. A flavor if you will.

It’s that subtle, magnetic sense of “they’ve still got it.”

Like the French woman in her 50s grabbing coffee. Her style, her hair, her skin, the classic red lip — all of it telling a story of lived-in confidence. She’s attractive because she hasn’t checked out.

Like the Vinyl collecting dad in his early 60’s with dark jeans, new Vans, perfect haircut and a strong pair of sunglasses. He just kind of cares about his cool factor — just like he always did — he’s got “it”.

Their presence says: I care about my life. I care about my energy. I’m still here.

That version of “hot” is real. And it matters — way more than we ever talk about. It’s equally important for men to embody.

The Unspoken Standards We Actually See

Here’s what I notice: I don’t have clients or friends who are actively seeking partners that look like bodybuilders. I know they exist but most people tend to avoid that aesthetic because it feels like too much pressure. It’s actually misguided to go too hard in an idealized direction as a way to widen your choices. Your peers in that culture might praise you — but it’s not likely to be super attractive to very many people outside of that small community.

You often lose sex appeal that way, you don’t gain it. It’s also not very original or authentic and having a sexy energy is highly specific and has almost nothing to do with traditional standards. Look at Adrien Brody, Adam Driver, Uma Thurman and Sarah Jessica Parker. You know what I am saying.

Outside of energy we have basic collective standards. Almost everyone I know wants someone with good posture. Someone fit in relationship to their standard for that (wide range) but still. Someone who puts thought into their appearance and will continue to do so throughout life. Style and effort needs to increase as aging happens — if you want to be appealing to other people sexually. That’s it.

Men are not exempt.

Maybe that used to matter less when women’s dating choices were shaped more by economics than how a man made them feel emotionally and sexually. But now? I hear this more and more:

“He’s so nice… but his belly is turning me off in bed.”

“He’s so nice… but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how he came to the date. I spent so much time getting ready to impress him.”

It’s hard to navigate conversations like these. I am writing this article right now just thankful I rarely read the comments, because I am sure you are definitely not allowed to say that your partner’s weight or how they look matters to you at all in 2025. I can not imagine what kind of mean things the internet police might want to say about this and yet everyone is concerned about maintaining attraction on some level.

In my work doing somatic coaching — these feelings, fears, pressures and disappointments come up constantly.

It’s really important that I green light EVERY FEELING so that it can become safe to the brain and blend into an asset of balanced decision making instead of a dark force looming in the background.

Women especially can feel gross even thinking this, much less saying it out loud. They can feel like they’re not allowed to want their partner to be attractive to them. Or worse, that it makes them shallow or a body shamer.

But it’s not a choice to feel turned on or off by your partner.

I am not talking about judgements or comparisons to something unrealistic — but even if I was. That’s still a human emotion. It can bring real disappointment to feel like your partner stopped meeting the cultural norms held in your community for attractiveness at their age. It can be scary to the body. A lot of human attraction is rooted in how our partners are viewed by our communities and families.

ALSO there’s a little entitlement in saying “what I look like shouldn’t matter.”

That’s rarely true for anyone. You can think it shouldn’t matter all day long and that everyone owes you sexual energy just based on commitment or years of service and even if they logically and morally agree with that — guess what?

Their body might just not buy in.

Even in the bedroom, physical fitness influences the quality of the experience. Women — who take on average fifteen minutes of varied stimulation to even reach their first orgasm — often need their partner to be present, regulated, and yes, very energetic. And that’s just the beginning. Deeper, more fulfilling sexual responses? Those can take closer to an hour of attunement, movement, rhythm just to kick off.

((Can you tell I am kind of nerdy about this? Women deserve to understand their capacity and then maybe we’d have less whining in my comments about how “my ex Vera wouldn’t touch me” — ok.))

If you are wanting to explore yourself and your partner has become physically incapable of that — even due to a long term illness…

It’s complicated and emotionally painful.

Even a client that is deeply committed to their partner and the relationship “no matter what” does or does not change still needs to feel, express and bring grounding to these emotions. This isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s not something to let the body police or the gross guy rating AI images of women shame you about.

It’s ok to care.

The Body Talks — But We Don’t Always Listen

In my work with women, especially in exploring cervical orgasms and full-body pleasure, I run into this a lot. The desire is there. The curiosity is there. But the reality is… some of their partners just can’t meet them there, not physically. Not for that long. Not with that much consistency. They can’t even stay off their phones or stay awake after sex to offer more exploration and new touch to their female partner. The sex ends up feeling like a chore to the woman in this situation who really wants something more.

That’s a hard thing to name out loud to a man you love.

Meanwhile, women themselves are often going through hormonal shifts — after childbirth, during menopause, in seasons of stress. Their bodies are changing. They feel less sexual, less seen, touched out by breast feeding and toddlers. They struggle with how different they look and feel… and that struggle can leave them angry at their partner who no matter how supportive he is doesn’t surrender his body the way a woman does to childbirth, her monthly cycle and later a decade of menopause.

Not for doing something wrong. Just for still expecting them to feel sexual. I help women now get past those moments that I also experienced. It’s possible to you use embodiment to shift your orientation toward sexuality in seasons of wild hormone fluctuations. To some women that sentence will feel comforting and to others it will feel like one more thing they are responsible for. That is an emotion that has to be felt.

Even men who are supportive and fully understand the post partum experience can feel really rejected during this time and frustrated.

Guess what does not make a complex feeling better? Shoving it down and telling yourself it’s wrong. Embodiment is all about safety for all feelings and no it’s not about then going to ask for your needs to be met or shaming anyone for not seeing things the way you do.

But — it is about holding space for what’s going on for you. Sitting with it. Really letting it pulse in your body. Allowing maturity and wisdom to come.

Here’s a twist: men also go through hormonal changes.

They get fatigued. They lose muscle. Their testosterone drops to the point many men need treatment. And unlike women, they’re rarely educated or supported around how to deal with that. So they just assign themselves with a title like ‘depression’ and take medications that make sex less appealing and more complex. Doubling down on their issues through trying to fix them. Medicating issues that might just be stemming from something hormones, protein, plus a low cost personal trainer at the cheap local gym could fix. Again — we aren’t talking about getting a six pack and building a 1% body, more like getting back into nice fitting slacks and toning the body some.

So men give up too. They pull back. They stop showing up with any sex appeal. Very similar to women in post-partum period. But, we give women more compassion.

And their partners — yes, even their wives of 20 years — start quietly panicking. They’re not attracted anymore. They can’t get their body to respond. And they don’t know what to do about it.

Being Attractive Is a Lot of Work

At 43, I’ve had people tell me my skin looks great. And you know what? It does. But here’s why:

I wear sunscreen every single day.

I eat very little sugar.

I lift weights.

I drink 1–2 nights per week, max.

I stick to one coffee a day.

I eat tons of vegetables and cook most of my meals.

I pay for fancy haircuts, highlights, laser treatments and facials.

I have a general idea of my style.

I put lots of things on my face everyday, one of them a high strength retinol that took three years to get my skin to respond well to.

Plus a ton of other things. Is it wrong that men expect this level of self care and filter for it in dating? I am not so sure. Maybe at this point I only think it’s wrong if they aren’t taking equal but different efforts in their own appearance. Working with real people and dropping into the body on how important this really is has given me the confidence to write that.

And truthfully? I’ve been doing this my whole life. These days, it’s less about vanity and more about how I feel. I want to look my age — just good for my age. I want my style to say I’m mature, but still here.

But I’m not going to lie: a huge part of my sexual satisfaction is feeling like my partner wants me. Like, really wants me. So if we didn’t have that mutual dynamic in some way — that sense of both knowing we needed to offer emotional, energetic and physical attraction at our life stage — I would be really concerned.

So yes. It’s for men, too. But — I also expect to be attracted to my partner.

No, you don’t have to do any of the things I do. You can do more or less. BUT you also change the way your partner or how the wider dating pool responds to you through your physical and energetic appearance. If you are tan, toned but super angry — you will not be sexy to very many people. Just like if you are slouchy, depressed and perpetually low energy you’ll turn off anyone that doesn’t vibe through feeling sorry for people. Even if they still love you, even if they are committed to you, even if it’s just for a season.

So… Do We Owe Each Other Hotness?

Honestly, I think we do. At least a little.

Not in a “you have to look 25 forever” way. Not in a “go spend thousands of dollars on Botox” way. But in a don’t-check-out-of-your-body way. A stay-in-the-game way. A way that says, I care about how I feel in this skin, and I want you to feel good around me, too. I want my aesthetic to turn you on, so I am making choices with you in mind too.

This pressure is new for men, and it’s not new for women — but we’re in a phase where norms are shifting.

Where we don’t pretend attraction doesn’t matter. Where we stop pretending love will override all sexual disappointment, which is a huge problem in our construct of relationships. Where we name the hard truths and build something better from them.

Because being hot isn’t about looking like an influencer. It’s about being alive in your body, having things you are excited about, making the best of what you have, fixing your physical health issues as they pop up if you can and overall just giving a great invitation so that date one or year 20 you’d still be the person your partner would pick.

And if we want to feel desired… maybe we owe each other that.

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