Dating As a Sex Worker

With the rise of websites like OnlyFans, (among so many others) sex work has become more accessible as a financial decision than ever before. Seriously, everyone, their grandmother, and their grandmother's dog have an OnlyFans page these days. As someone who started their journey in the adult entertainment industry back in 2010-2011 and carried on until just a few years ago, it's a little jarring. The same women I used to see talking smack about girls in the industry are now promoting their OnlyFans pages all over social media, but since they're "tasteful nudes," it's different. Despite rolling my eyes so hard I can practically see my spine, I'm still an avid supporter of these women, regardless of whether or not they consider themselves a sex worker.

Even when we look at the response from men to sites like OnlyFans, we see some changes; yes, there are men (and women) who will slut shame someone for doing this work, we are seeing a rise in men who are a lot more accepting of their partners for being a sex worker. There's a steadily growing acceptance for the people who work within the industry, but at the end of the day, we still some of the same issues still coming up when we talk about dating as a sex worker. Bear in mind that these issues aren't necessarily gendered.

Jealousy and Insecurity

Dating while working as a sex worker often comes with a touch of jealousy. Even if you're only working an OnlyFans page, sometimes a partner doesn't recognize the amount of behind the scenes work that really goes on. On the surface, this work seems like "Just get sexy, take some pictures, and post them, the people will come." (No pun intended.) They don't anticipate what will happen if their partner gains a decent amount of popularity, or what it means to engage your fanbase. Yea, sometimes you have to be a bit flirty, and there are some times where you might be fufilling a very specific request for a customer. While someone working in the adult entertainment industry might want a meaningful relationship in their private life, it opens the door for jealousy and insecurity to waltz on into your relationships and dating life.

The solution is simple enough, in theory; communicate with your partner about what it is that you do, and establish boundaries for both parties. Your partner has the right to verbalize what they are and aren't comfortable with you doing. You also have the right to your privacy and security. If they know that they can't deal with the way people will talk to you in your DM's or in the comments of your posts, they need to understand that they're going to need to keep themselves out of those areas. Ultimately, it comes down to having an open and honest conversation about what boundaries need to be in place for both of you to be comfortable in this dynamic. You shouldn't have to hide anything from your partner. If you do, you're adding all kinds of kindling and gasoline to the fire of future fights. Choose your partners carefully if you intend to be in this industry long term.

Fantasy Bubble Burst

It seems like everyone wants to get with a pornstar... right up until they have one. Don't get me wrong, I understand the fantasy; someone you find undeniably attractive who wants you, with an assumed insatiable sexual appetite. Three things can potentially come from this way of thinking; one, they forget that you're a human being with individual needs and desires. Two, they want the pornstar to only have that insatiable appetite for them. Three, they don't recognize that when raw sexuality is literally in your job description, that you might be tired, sexed out, or just not in the mood for all kinds of wild sex. Especially if you work in an area of sex work that involves video or camming, after being "on" all day, it can become difficult to also accomodate for your partners sexual desires.

This is where communication and planning come in. If you find yourself put off sex when it comes to your time off from the job, you may need to figure out a new work-life balance. Take a week to really examine how your time is divided; are there ways that you can adjust your routine to make it more efficient? There might be a better way to organize your routine to give yourself more time to decompress and be able to be with your partner more comfortably. Also, examine whether or not you're actually giving yourself time off. When we constantly keep ourselves going, always engaging on social media or work platforms, we don't give ourselves time to rest. By the time we're spending time with our partner or significant other, all we want to do is shut ourselves down and relax with the person who makes us feel comfortable, making it easy for us to neglect the needs and desires of our partner. Giving yourself a few days off from the grind is essential in maintaining your own health, as well as the health of your relationship.

Communication is also necessary in this planning stage. Determine what your partners expectations are, and if they're in line with your own. How many times a week are they anticipating sexual connection? Do they have specific needs or a schedule that works for them? Are they going to be understanding if you're not up to having sex or performing sexually? While we all like to think that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, it's definitely an important component. If sexual needs are being neglected, it can lead to animosity within the relationship, and that isn't the kind of thing you want festering beneath the surface of any relationship. Speak with your partner, and do your best to find a healthy compromise on your time management that means that they aren't neglected in favor of your job.

Waivering Respect or Disrespect

Even though our cultural views on sex workers are relaxing, we have to anticipate that at some point, someone who doesn't respect you is going to use the job against you. Unfortunately, the person dishing out the disrespect might sometimes be your partner. When this happens, it's up to you just how much of this you're willing to accept. Ideally, you simply won't accept being mistreated and disrespected for your choice of job.

The solution to this is easier said than done; finding a partner who doesn't see your job as something to be used against you. If your partner truly isn't comfortable with what you do to earn an income, there's a good chance that isn't going to change. You deserve someone who will see and accept that, and won't simply use it as a weapon against you in an argument, or as a reason to mistreat you. Being in the adult entertainment industry doesn't make you less than anyone else, nor is it something you should have to feel ashamed of. If the person you're with can't see that, there's a pretty high chance that they aren't the person for you.