5 Things Women Won’t Tell You about BDSM (But You Need to Know)

BDSM Is Shrouded in Myths

Handcuffs, gags, and blindfolds, oh my! It is an understatement to say that the book 50 Shades of Grey has taken the world over by storm — and yanked our attention into the direction of BDSM.

BDSM stands for bondage, dominance, submission, and masochism, and it is a kinky sexual experience that can range from a one-hit-wonder to lifelong experimentation. It is meant to be an enticing, passionate encounter between two consenting adults and an incredibly safe rendezvous that allows people to find a new level of sexual expression.

That said, most women like BDSM in varying degrees if done gently (read correctly), and the stats prove it.

After polling more than 400,000 OkCupid members, the dating website found that 62 percent of women enjoy rough sex, and a whopping 84 percent say they would like a little more kink in their lives.

Why? Being bitten, scratched, or spanked increases your blood pressure and heart rate in response to the pain, explains sex researcher Nicole Prause, Ph.D.

“When that happens during sex, some people interpret it as sexual excitement. Besides, there are areas of your brain where pain responses and sexual arousal overlap.”

That said, finding out what a woman secretly wants can be quite a challenge, especially when it comes to the dirty things she wants to do. No two women are the same in this regard.

But the good news is that if you are willing to take the plunge, open the conversation, and accept that there will be some trial and error, the payoff could be huge.

And here are some things women won't tell you about BDSM, but all men need to know.

1. The Woman Has to Be Submissive

2. Women Are Either Vanilla or Kinky in Bed

3. Women Like Violent BDSM

4. BDSM Is Always About Props

5. There Is No Skill Required in BDSM

1. The Woman Has to Be Submissive

It is sexy when women sexually submit. It is pathetic for men to submit sexually.

This is bullshit. BDSM is never about gender.

Generally, there are two roles in a steamy BDSM situation: the dominant and the submissive. Neither is based on gender, meaning women are just as likely as men to be the ones taking charge of the proceedings.

Moreover, both roles are interchangeable as well. Some women love being in charge in the bedroom and feel powerful and sexy with their lover trembling. It can be an incredible experience to play with the taboo of a strong, sexually dominant woman. Most men love a commanding woman in bed.

Besides, remember that these are temporary, shapeable roles, and you can redefine them anytime. The objective is to enjoy the experience without gender bias.

2. Women Are Either Vanilla or Kinky in Bed

Completely wrong.

Yes, BDSM does happen in Porn. But it also occurs in bedrooms, in hotel rooms, in private dungeons, in clubs, in hotel ballrooms, and on the kitchen floor. People are tying each other up and smearing each other's faces with cream pies all over the place, often with no camera in sight. They wear vinyl corsets and shiny boots even when no director catches a video of it.

But that does not mean that a woman practicing it is a pornstar.

Every woman has her level of involvement. Maybe she is turned on by the idea of spanking, but leather tie-ups may appear silly to her. Perhaps she has a rope fetish, but elaborate bondage makes her uncomfortable. Her desire may lie somewhere on the BDSM scale, and you need to respect that.

Always remember forceful actions of any kind is not consensual sex. Understand her comfort level, morality, and desires before using the kinky tools.

3. Women Like Violent BDSM

This is not always true. Most women do not like violence. The motto of BDSM is "safe, sane, and consensual."

It's important to remember that being tied up or blindfolded is all about context. Obviously, those things could be wrong and oppressive when put in a certain situation that dishonors the woman’s desires. But it is not fair to say all women like being abused during kinky sex if they have made a conscious, adult decision to put themselves in that situation.

Sometimes all they want might be just plain dirty talk. Dirty talk is powerful. Because it is taboo and charged with desire, naughty words and phrases can electrify an otherwise vanilla encounter with your girlfriend.

A few carefully chosen four-letter words uttered by you can help push her over the edge. So, too, can a few provocative sentences, like, “You’re such a bad girl, aren’t you?”

Pay attention to what she responds to — and how. It may take some honest discussions before you jump beneath the sheets together to grasp what all things are off-limits.

4. BDSM Is Always About Props

The thought of rope, metal handcuffs, and uncomfortable leather might make you squirm in your seat, especially thinking about where you would store them so innocent guests do not stumble on them accidentally.

None of these props are mandatory by any means. You just need to take time and discuss with her to understand what is fun and sexy for both of you without being influenced by anybody.

Some things you can try include sensually pulling her hair to show dominance and force. Try to reach around, holding her backside firmly as she positions herself on top of you. She may also enjoy you sidling up behind her and slipping a hand around her torso to cup her breast as she faces away from you.

Kiss the back of her neck while you do this, and she will be yours. Always remember Great sex is not investing in shiny expensive equipment. It is all about the experience. A woman's body is sensitive, and most often, the way you touch her or kiss her next can galvanize her to beg you for more.

5. There Is No Skill Required in BDSM

You are going to whip her with an 8-foot whip. You are going to handcuff her. You may also draw some blood out of her. And all these may cause her serious injury. You must invest much time in training and practice before attempting everything.

Every week, around the world, educational events of various sizes are held that teach classes about different kinky subjects. Some are small groups in someone's basement, learning the exacting skills involved in safely piercing someone's skin with hundreds of hypodermic needles. Others include learning many ways to tie a person in rope. Events vary in size and scope, but education is a common intention of these gatherings.

Remember, the more information you gain about various kinks, the more satisfying you find them. Feeling unprepared and uncertain about what you are doing often does not feel sexy, but going in with confidence and knowledge does.

And beyond the technical stuff, an essential part of BDSM is honest, direct communication. Once you talk to her and know exactly what makes her toe curl, you will find her nodding enthusiastically to every dormant sexual desire residing within both of you. Just remember not to rush her into anything and always be safe.

The point of kinky sex is to increase sexual pleasure, release all her inhibitions, and not degenerate into a substance of physical abuse.

As Sierra Carly has rightly observed.

“BDSM is all about giving her what she is afraid to ask for.”