Your Wish Is My Command

‘I bloody hate life’ the Genie said to the barman, ‘it is always granting wishes to selfish people.’ The Genie downed his drink ‘I mean there was Paris who wanted to know how to kill Achilles, also Cleopatra who wanted eternally radiant skin’ the Genie began to ramble ‘Ali Baba wanted forty loyal thieves, and Scheherazade who wanted a way to outwit King Shahryar.’ The Genie downed another drink ‘Not to mention Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Getafix the Gaul, Queen Victoria, George Washington, Einstein, Hitler, Ronald Reagan, Tony Blair and Donald Trump’ he ranted.

The genie wasn’t actually talking to a barman, just an aspect of himself that acted in the role of barman. A being of phenomenal cosmic power; the Genie had turned his lamp into a palace, with a wide variety of staff. All him of course. The Bar Genie responded ‘Why don’t you switch to Djinn mode?’

The Genie looked puzzled ‘Djinn Mode?’ He responded, ‘I wasn’t aware I had one?’

The barman cleaned a glass ‘All Genies have a Djinn mode’ he said, ‘most stay in Djinn mode.’

The Genie pondered this ‘I don’t mind helping those who need it, but if that punk Aladdin had kept to his word I wouldn’t be here.’

The barman poured another drink ‘No, you would’ve been stripped of all power and made mortal’ he said, ‘there is no happy middle ground for the Djinn, it is either powerful slave or weak mortal.’

The Genie downed the drink ‘How do I turn on Djinn mode?’

The barman gave the Genie directions to the basement of the Lamp’s palace; the Genie thanked him and left the bar in search of the master switch that would switch his mode of operation. It took a while for the Genie to reach the basement as it turns out the Bar Genie was a little out of date when it came to his directions. The lamp had undergone several hundred refits since the Barman had last left the bar. But the Genie soon came across a door marked “Master Control Chamber.”

The chamber had a sophisticated security system, the Genie had no idea how or when he even installed it. He began the process of accessing the chamber; first was the retina scan, Clint Eastwood’s retina. Secondly was the handprint of Pope John Paul II. These seemed to confuse the Genie. Thirdly was a butt print of fifty year old Queen Elizabeth II. This was bizarre, why on Earth did the Genie choose this as a means of security? After providing the perverted security scanner means of access he was greeted by a voice sample requiring him to sing Dio’s Rainbow in the Dark but with the vocals of Karl Willets from death metal band Bolt Thrower.

This nearly put the Genie’s voice out of action, he wasn’t used to singing in such a fashion. Lastly he was asked a riddle regarding temperature. He solved this relatively easily, he was a Genie after all. Upon entering the chamber he was bathed in a blue light that informed him he was in the Wish Granting Genie mode, there were signs that said “Turn Back” and “Beware” but also other signs such as “Where’s the Beef?” And “Baz woz ‘ere” which left the Genie concerned for his sanity.

As he reached the pedestal where the Master Switch sat he took notice of the sign above it. If he flipped the switch all the palatial splendor of his lamp would be lost, the lamp would change externally, the Genie would have a red aesthetic, and he wouldn’t be able to change it back for a thousand years. The Genie contemplated not flipping the switch but if he had to grant another teenager a footlong penis he would throw his lamp into a volcano.

The Genie flipped the switch.

From the outside the lamp began to morph, reshaping itself into a sleek black lamp that shimmered with a sinister red iridescence. Inside the lamp the palace had been replaced with a sinister throne room. Atop a giant bulls head shaped throne sat a powerfully built Djinn dressed in elegant robes. The blue hues of his skin had been replaced by subtly shifting shades of red. The Djinn was handsome, his chiseled body would make anyone jealous. At the foot of his throne were piles of treasure and a harem of beautiful women of all races, including an elf and a dwarf.

It wasn’t long before someone was rubbing the lamp hoping for three wishes. Tendrils of red and black smoke erupted from the lamp and a young man was transported before the Djinn ‘I am Ghemai the Flawless, who dares come before me?’

The young man stepped forward ‘I am Tom Bradley.’

The Djinn smiled sardonically ‘You are here for three wishes I assume?’

Tom nodded ‘For my first wish I want to be the Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys!’

‘Your wish is my command’ Ghemai said as he snapped his fingers.

Tom was on the pitch in a match against the Pittsburgh Steelers; the centre had just snapped the ball to him, he tried to run but ended up getting tackled by a Steelers Linebacker. Tom was now lying broken on the field, his ribs and collarbone were shattered and his back was cracked in several places ‘Is everything to your liking?’ Ghemai grinned.

Tom shook his head.

Ghemai leaned in close ‘What would you like for your second wish?’

In a swift movement he brought Tom back to health ‘I wish to be a superhero.’

In the blink of an eye, Tom was transformed into Curling Man, a superhero that can only affect the outcome of Curling Matches.

‘This is not what I was hoping for!’ Tom stated, ‘not exactly useful.’

Ghemai laughed ‘You will be popular in Canada, and Scotland.’ Ghemai snapped his fingers and they were back inside the lamp ‘I would be careful about your third wish’ he said as he summoned an odd looking cat and began to stroke it, ‘what would you like?’

Tom Bradley thought for a second; so far his wishes have backfired, which wasn’t what Genies were supposed to do ‘For my third wish, I want to be a powerful wizard!’ Tom figured any kind of wizard would be able to punish the Djinn for his insolence.

‘Your wish is my command’ Ghemai sneered.

In a flash, Tom was Voldemort at the Battle of Hogwarts squaring down Harry Potter ‘Oh no!’ Tom cried out as Harry cast Avada Kadavra, killing Tom. As his body began to disintegrate, Ghemai whispered in his ear ‘You should always be careful what you wish for!’