Your future self

For as long as I've known you, I've always believed in you. From the very first time we met. I don't know where you first heard of me, where my name came from, or what book you read it in. But since then, you thought about me, dreamed about me, imagined what I looked like, fantasized for days and nights about me.

Admit it, you fell in love with me before we even met. My image sparked your imagination, and thoughts of me galloped like wild horses across the boundless prairie. They fascinated you with their freedom and defiance, and it seemed to you that being with me would make you an invincible phoenix rising from the ashes.

I know your life has been messy, and you needed a harbor in which to drop your anchor and settle down. But your poorly calibrated inner compass often depressed your optimistic nature and always made it hard to navigate correctly. Your inherent versatility, curiosity, and abundance of opportunities in this world gave you freedom of choice, but at the same time, numbed you with its brilliance and impossibility to decide on one direction. For many years, you have been learning about yourself, going through difficult emotional crises that at times overwhelmed you. But at the same time, your interest in me grew and pushed your limits. The more you learned about yourself, the more confident you felt, and correctly decoded your inner feelings, the more real and tangible my image became in your imagination. You bravely overcame difficulties and did not want to surrender to the unexpected vicissitudes of fate.

Then one day, wading through the thicket of your inner feelings and experiences, you heard my voice: Hello, I'm your future self! To your surprise, you were a bit taken aback, but my voice seemed painfully familiar to you. And you timidly answered: Hi, future self! There was so much warmth in your reply; it still echoes in my memory. Your eyes, I remember, peaking out from the bushes of indecision, were like those of anime characters. Full of stars. They widened and glistened, reflecting the shiny universe I was about to show you. I saw your thirst for discoveries, your pioneering spirit, which made a lasting impression on me. At this point, years of searching finally came to fruition. Meeting me was your reward. Long awaited. So desired.

We've been inseparable ever since. Our connection was like a steady stream of electricity, as if someone had plugged us into each other and flipped a switch to the continuous current position. Your body was filled with a crumbly mass of sparkling silver tingles that popped up here and there and energized you with optimism and confidence. I was your endless source of inspiration. For the first time in your life, you felt that life was worth living. I remember our summer evenings, when we would indulge in daydreaming. The wind tickled your naked legs with its fluffy feathers that it brought with every gust. You felt relaxed and were thinking about me, making plans, thinking about your every move, and imagining how you would overcome the difficulties that separated us from each other: your insecurities, your lack of knowledge or experience, financial difficulties, or the external barriers that society had built to stop us from living authentically. You dreamed of merging with me, of becoming one. I, in turn, was constantly changing, and each time I stirred in you an even more unbridled, playful desire to get closer to me and share a future.

We spent a lot of time together in your head, and your confidence in yourself and me grew. And now that you had a goal to be with me, to become one, you were overjoyed. You were ready to work on yourself. But life has its own rules. I don't mean to say you were idealistic, but at some point, your rose-colored glasses shattered inward. The shards damaged your old wounds and insecurities, and fears seeped out. But worst of all, out of those dark cracks of the past came a cold, demeaning, constantly criticizing voice that belittled everything you did and aspired to.

I got scared. Uncomfortable. Tight. Suddenly, we were caught in the unhealthy dynamics of the past. Your dreams and plans were shattered by steely, unfriendly phrases phoned with the metallic notes of past failures, or those who had tried to hurt and wound you in some way. Why would you do that? Who do you think you are? You'll never get it! Everyone around is better than you; you're completely mediocre. Know your place.

The intensity and commanding tone of that voice, as some say the inner critic, subdued you for a while. You became withdrawn, aloof, and for a moment, it seemed to me that you had forgotten all the things we had dreamed about together. I saw the marks of his harsh phrases on your heart, your self-esteem. They were like handcuff marks. They scared me, and hurt me too. It was incomprehensible to me how a sudden inflammation from the past could have such a profound effect on our future. It was jeopardized. I know it wasn't easy for you, but my faith in you never faded. I was powerless to make a difference because I had no physical presence in your life. My absence was the healing.

In the moments of struggling with that inner, destructive voice, I know you clung to my image, and it inspired you to fight and find the strength within yourself to resist this inexplicable moping. In moments when you were ready to give up on everything, you heard my voice and, through your tears, you came back to me, extolling the hardships, mending the cracks emanating from your most vulnerable corners of your soul. We are good; our desire to be together has helped us unite against this monster that has crawled out of the darkest corners.

Time passed. You fought and eventually you tamed him. You subjugated him. You have disarmed him with your sensitivity and self-compassion. He didn't expect that. His voice eventually became like a joke, you stopped taking him seriously. He became embarrassed and shameful to show up, so insignificant. I watched you grow, I was proud of you.

We've been through a lot. Our relationship has been sabotaged many times, but our fuselage is as strong as ever. Our connection is surreal. Yet it is meaningful. It is the internal fuel that supports positive change in the real world. Like before, we are inseparable. I am an extension of you. I am each little bud on your wide spreading branches.

You feel my absence in your life. And even though I dont exist, you fight for me. You are my knight, my hero. I see how far you’ve come, how much you've changed. I know we're bound to be together. Am I not who you always truly wanted? Mysterious, imagined. I feel your pull and your desire to be closer to me. I am who you become. Every day I am gone, have I ever truly existed? I am in your imagination. I am your future self.