To love the villain

Most of us think the best of other people. We look for the goodness in them and expect it in return. And when reality doesn’t live up to that image, we are left heartbroken. Once we fall for that kind of person, that darkness… it’s almost impossible to escape.

The first time I noticed the shadows that had wrapped around Alec’s heart was the day he brutally abused a man—simply for not measuring up to his expectations. He became someone else: cruel and threatening. His eyes were set on the man before him, and a smirk appeared on his malicious, but beautiful, face.

The man was on his knees begging for his life, for mercy. And Alec sank down in front of him, brought a knife to his skin, and let it trace his face, leaving a thin blood trail in its wake.

I had stood idly by, unable to comprehend what I witnessed. He hadn’t known I was there. But once I had seen it… I couldn’t unsee it. And after that, I started noticing things I hadn’t before: the blood stains on his clothes, his dismissiveness, how he left the room to take a call, the late nights, and the odd hours. He had become a private person, and I hadn’t even realized, not at first, not until I saw what he’d become.

The villain.

I could hardly breathe. There wasn’t enough air to fill my lungs, and I felt more empty than ever: a shell, a home without its inhabitants.

Had I been living a complete lie?

Could I accept it? I hadn’t decided yet, and it had been months since I found out the truth.

I still loved him. I still stayed with him. Did that make me a bad person? I couldn’t tell anymore. I’d fallen for a man with two personalities. The one I saw that day, in the back alley that night, wasn’t the same one I woke up next to in the mornings.

I had been blind, a fool.

How could I still want to be with him and at the same time feel so lost inside? Maybe his heart wasn’t the only one wrapped in shadows. Maybe mine had lost its spark and light as well.

I didn’t even know how much of our lives had been a lie. I mean, could he really love someone and hide this much of himself?

Despite what I knew, I would continue to act as if nothing was wrong: his ignorant wife who knew nothing of his darkness, at least until I was ready to either walk away or confront him. The outcome might be the same either way, or it could change things if he discovered I knew the truth.

Or would I wake up one day and discover our entire life has dissolved into nothing more than bad memories?