You Have Been Judged

I used to daydream about the end of the world. I longed for it. I almost prayed for it. I would sit at my desk on a slow day, stare out the window and think ‘what would I do if the world ended - right now’. Anything other than another day of insignificant purpose. Because the end of the world would mean the end of office hours, company emails and expensive coffees. I didn’t realize it would mean the end of everything. Now I carry the guilt of wondering, did I make this happen through sheer willingness? Did I end the world with a daydream?

I would imagine all kinds of scenarios, like the ones you see on TV, whether it was zombies, nuclear fallout, WWIII or aliens landing. I longed for the emails, texts and reports to fall away. For mortgages, interest rates and credit card bills to just – fall – away. For all the things that humans invented and then lorded over each other to dissipate and die. During my particularly bad days I would imagine all my overweight bosses (who constantly reminded me about the ‘importance’ of working late) begging me to take them with me as I escaped. On my worst days I would imagine leaving them to the fate of whatever monsters were breaking down our doors.

The one scenario I never imagined, was that the end of the world would be so… confusing. Whether it is the screams of a zombie hoard in the distance or a UFO landing, there was usually no question that it is the end of days. But we didn’t even know it was happening when it was happening. We still don’t. Is the whole world like this? Or is it just us?

But you know what the real kick in the teeth was? That the entire time I was staring out the window, waiting for the flash of a nuclear bomb or the screams of monsters in the distance, that I should have been looking at my screen. Everyone remembers where they were when they got the message. I was sat at my desk, alone as usual, watching the street outside. When I looked back at my computer screen at 10:44am a message was waiting for me:

You have been judged

He has seen you for all that you are

He has measured the weight of your soul

And you have been found unworthy

You have been judged

Of course, the first thing I did was try turning my computer on and off again. All those daydreamed scenarios where I start packing a bag of unlikely weapons and tools you could find in an office and sprint for the roof. And the first thing I did - was turn my computer on and off again.

It wasn’t until I looked up from my screen that I realized something was wrong. The message was on every screen. Every TV, laptop and phone, even the printers were printing the same message over and over. People in my office started to freak out, worried about their bank account information, their online passwords and their… internet history. With no forms of communication, we had no idea that this was happening to everyone, at least I think it happened to everyone, I’ve never met a person since that received a different message. Most of the alpha male types in our office saw this as their opportunity to prove to the more attractive females that they could hold their own in a situation. They went around asking if everyone was ok and to not worry. It was likely just a cyberattack and they would resolve everything, despite their little to no IT experience.

We still didn’t understand what was happening when the water stopped running. At 11:44am there was no longer any running water in the kitchen or toilets. We assumed it was just another malfunction. After all, who assumes you’ll never see water come out of a tap ever again? Even when rumors started to come in that the expensive coffee shop across the road had no water too, we told ourselves it was just the block. Then we saw people start to fill the streets. Stranger turning to stranger asking for answers. Only to be responded to with the same question they had just asked. With no answer’s speculation started to creep in. With the speculation came assumptions. And it didn’t take long for those assumptions to lead to presumptive action.

That’s when we heard the screams. It was amazing how quickly the looting started. That was when the real fear started to set in for me. Whatever was going on, whoever ‘He’ was that had ‘judged’ us, the scariest part of all was the realization that humanity had kept a thin veil over itself between civilized society and anarchy. At first, we turned up our noses at those who used this moment as an opportunity to steal from others. But, as it turns out, this was the smart move. Though, I still argue that the looters did not start stealing because they knew it was the smart thing to do, but because it was the selfish thing to do. In this new world being selfish and being smart are practically the same thing. Of course, it was high-end retail that was hit first, people went for Playstations, iPods, luxury jackets and jewelry. They had no idea that our power supply would be cut off by 10:44am the next day. Everything electronic would become useless. These people thought they were rich, but all they had really done was add more weight to an already sinking ship. No one was stealing anything of actual value yet. Not bottled water, canned food, med-kits, knives or baby wipes. Pro tip for living in an apocalypse: bring baby wipes.

It was in this moment that I stopped predicating my actions with reason and started moving on instinct. Whilst everyone in my office was trying to get their phones to work or trying to understand what had happened to the buildings water supply, I emptied my bag of whatever contents I thought were important that morning, got up from my desk, walked to the emergency stairwell and quietly slipped out the back. I needed to understand the scale of what we were dealing with… I haven’t seen anyone from my work since that moment. I could never have prepared for what was going to happen. At how quickly we went from questioning if this was the end. To making sure it was. As I stepped outside I was greeted by the expensive coffee shop across the road completely engulfed in flames. I stood and watched in awe and confusion with the other bystanders, as we all commented on how surreal this day was. But ultimately chalked it up to another accident or hooliganism.

As I walked the streets outside I meandered between strangers asking questions to strangers. Trying to find out what was going on, only to find more questions. Small retail banks had queues outside them with anxious customers, but chaos is the lifeblood of anarchy. Surrounded by selfish looters, the anxious customers quickly transformed into an angry mob. Once the first person had cut the queue the others rapidly followed and the thin veil was lifted. These people who queued so politely because it was what you’re ‘supposed to do’, became animals once they were given the license to do so. A bank manager stepped outside and screamed “EEENNOOOUUGGHHHHH!!!” to which there was a small silence as the mob listened for more. I stood on the opposite side of the street watching with a different group of interested bystanders.

“We don’t know what’s going on the same as you! All of our computers are down but I’m sure your money is safe and well secured online. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES”. There was another small silence. I didn’t see who threw the rock, but I remember the sound it made.

CRACK!

I still don’t know if that was the sound of the rock hitting her head, or if it was the sound of her skull cracking from the blow. She fell on the spot to a chorus of screams, most in horror, but some out of anger as they stormed the small bank for their money. I stood and watched the once angry mob huddle around her, trying to see if she was ok. I kept watching, as these people who were horrified about what had happened 60 seconds ago, started to become anxious that they were missing out on whatever was in the bank on the other side of her body. I stood and watched as one by one they all left her on the street until only an off-duty nurse and another bank staff member tried to help her.

I had never seen anything like that, not in real life. I had watched people have their brain eaten by invading aliens on TV, but never had I seen anything that was real. This was the first real act of violence I saw. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Being invisible out here, is the key to life. Whether you’re trying to help people or not if you make a noise and have anything that someone wants. You’re a target.

That’s when the fires really started. I always imagined ‘He’ would be astonished at how stupidly we behaved as a populated mass. We immediately took everything for ourselves and our families instead of thinking of anyone else’s families. That was our selfishness. That I expected. But the peak of our stupidity came with the fires. It started with hooligans and school kids just looking for an excuse to do something they’d been told they could never do. Police stations were first to go up, then any political office. Everyone assumed they would be replaced with taxpayer money, so what was the harm?

But it quickly spread to destruction just for the sake of it. Something in our nature enjoys destroying things. The sense of dominance and control you achieve from removing something from existence. As I recoiled away from the bank to try find a quiet corner to cry, I watched a Range Rover speed down the road and throw a bottle into a local food store, that caught fire immediately. I watched a crying woman beg a man not to go into the store. I was too far away to hear what they were saying but it was clear the man wanted to help someone inside. I watched them scream and argue as he shook off her grip and ran into the burning shop. I watched her wait, tears streaming down her face as she clutched his jacket. I watched her wait, illuminated by the fire. And I kept watching as she slowly sank to her knees with the realization that he was not coming back. It still haunts me. I sat and watched. I saw someone’s soul die that day. The slumped shoulders, the demanding ‘NO’ that then became a desperate whimper. Her hope drain away.

When I finally got up to help her, the smoke stung my eyes from across the road. I shouted at her to get back, but she just stared at the fire. I don’t remember the shop exploding. I just remember waking up in the middle of the street with a heart locket necklace in my hands. Did I get to her? Did I speak to her? I still don’t know. There were so many people running over me to avoid the smoke. I crawled into an open window of a construction site and I’ve been watching everything else burn since.

If you’re reading this I hope you got out. I hope it never happened to you. I hope you were deemed worthy to begin with. I was not worthy. We are not worthy. And so far – I can see why.