"You Can't Handle the Truth!"

Her sign was Aquarius, so she consulted her horoscope:

In spite of thinking you're innovative, progressive, and even revolutionary, you are no model Aquarius. You're unable to romantically link with any compatible fire or air signs. You're supposed to be independent, but you're 34 and still live in your parents' basement. You really should just give up. The water bearer, the great mystical healer who bestows life, is ashamed of you. Especially after yesterday.

Wow, she thought, these things are always so dead on! This one was even worse than the one yesterday:

You want to kill men, don't you? They're just asking for it. You may not have wanted to before, but Aquarians rarely do. Maybe one day you'll have the guts to do it, and when you do, do us Aquarians a favor and at least make sure he's a Scorpio. Not like that loser Cancer you have a crush on at work. How do you even expect that to work?

And so it went. Daily horoscope after horoscope. Each day she consulted it; each day she was informed about what a piece of crap she was. How worthless she was. How no one would ever love her. She was particularly disturbed by Sunday's horoscope:

God does not love you. Even Jesus doesn't like you. And if you're thinking of joining some non-Christian religion, it's even worse with them, so don't even try. You cannot be saved.

The newspaper continued to land on her front steps like always. Yet, although she had long since given up, she had continued to consult each day's horoscope. She was getting off on it, now. It made her feel even stronger about how they'd all be sorry one day, when she snapped.

But today shocked her the worst:

Good news! Things have turned around for you. We Aquarians want to welcome you back into the fold. Further review says we've gotten it all wrong. You are a delight. Anyone who's anyone would want to be you. You rule!

She closed her eyes and exclaimed angrily, "What now?"

I've always known Astrology was bullshit, she thought, and she reopened the newspaper and proceeded to the Sudoku puzzle.