You and your Memory

That afternoon, the sun slowly headed for the west. Twilight to the dark horizon. A flock of birds flew towards the trees.

In the corner of the cafe, still vivid in memory, at table number 15 to be exact. You sit facing west facing me. As usual, you like sunsets, so you always choose a seat facing west. "Looking at the sunset and your face is a beautiful combination," you said seductively.

It's still stuck in the memory. How you smile, how you speak, and how your eyes look. That evening, after sipping warm lemon tea you said, distance is not a matter of differences in space and time, but of emotion.

"Even though islands separate them, if the bond of feeling is strong, it feels close. On the other hand, even though you live in the same room, if you don't have a relationship, you feel far away," you said as you stared at me. As if asking for immediate approval.

I nodded. I agree with your statement. And there doesn't seem to be a big problem. I feel our bond is strong.

That way, you said, we should make some distance, like spaces on a list of words, no matter how beautiful the engraved letters are without distance.

“Shouldn't we only be able to move if there is a distance? and love each other when there is space? Love will bring two people closer together, but he doesn't want to suffocate," you said.

After you said that, your face changed. I suspect something is odd and odd. Not like usual. True. You say goodbye. You asked that we should not meet for a while. You said, when we meet, we can both harvest longing. "And longing was born because there was a distance, right?" you asked rhetorically.

And as usual, I always say yes to what you want. For your freedom, for your happiness.

Yet, after the meeting, you disappeared without a word. Your cell phone number is not active. The same goes for your social media. You left a mystery. At the last meeting, you raised hopes. But it is precisely what you sow uncertainty; I don't know when I have to make a meeting, I don't know when I reap longing. Your best friends don't even know you exist.

***

Three mount after that meeting; I tried to forget all about you. But the effort to forget is precisely the effort to remember effectively. Everything about you is still stuck in my mind. Even in feelings.

On that frantic night, just as I was getting ready for bed, my cell phone rang. An unknown number without a name. After I picked it up, the greeting was familiar to my ears. Yes. your voice. That's right, your voice. This heart is beating fast. Either excited or nervous.

After asking how you were, you didn't explain why he had been missing all this time. You just say goodbye. The real goodbye. "I was forced to marry someone else with my parents, it's better for us to separate. I am sorry. I hope you are fine. I am sure that you are a strong man," you said softly. Not long. You say hello and hang up the phone.

That night, the night seemed longer. Your words swirl in my thoughts and feelings. Thousands of questions come to mind; why wasn't I given a chance to talk?, why did you just disappear? why do you want to be married? are you not comfortable with me? and a list of other questions. Only darkness and tears are there.

And the days after, I don't know. Just a puddle of memories for the sake of looming memories.

I've heard people say, that memory is like soldiers who just throw a bullet in the pit of the heart. Destroy the established order of feeling.

Its presence is sometimes slow, but not infrequently it is reckless to tear the mind. Those memories appear in the places when we were together. Sometimes in a park where we spent the evening together, in a cafe where we exchanged feelings, or when we passed in front of the bus stop where we were waiting for the bus when we wanted to go together.

Sometimes it sticks in the memory; how you speak, smile, wink, laugh, or when you shed tears. Still very clear in my memory.

I don't know why the memories are hard to disappear, maybe the feeling is still there. Even, though we already said goodbye. Goodbye by well. But you know, well in words, not necessarily in feelings. Still experiencing a fragile and helpless situation.

The pounding occurs not only when in solitude or solitude, but also in a crowd.

Whereas, before I knew you, I had never once been in a situation like this. Is it because I'm a Gemini; a typology of people who are stubborn in loving someone, who makes the person they love the center of the universe, who is willing to fall and rise for the sake of their lover.

Who knows. That feeling also came suddenly. The process is magical. And somehow you have to. We cannot predict a feeling; We also don't know who will like someone. Sometimes it can be completely unreasonable. Like loving someone you've never met, or even falling in love with someone who hurt you. Love is the mystery of life.

People say, love is not a noun, but a verb. It doesn't always have to be reciprocated. But what is it; we can still love someone even though we no longer talk to him, we can still love someone even though we never met him, we can still love someone even though they are hurt, even though they are rejected, even if they are left alone.

Even though I don't believe in it all, for some reason, those memories and feelings are often present and exist.

Even so, sometimes I also hope that one day I can realize that what I did was stupid so that it would be better after that.

It's okay that you can't accept my existence. I think we also understand, love does not have to be together. And parting should not hate. We are not relatives, not friends, just two strangers who were once close. And now they no longer have a new story to build with. (*)