AssWhole

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“Did you tell her that? I’m sure she’d love to hear that. Maybe you can soften the blow with a cute emoji or two.”

“Seriously. It meant nothing.”

“The fact that you think that’s any sort of excuse is part of the problem, honestly.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Well, you said it didn’t mean anything, so you’re going to have to fill in the blank on that one.”

“You know what I meant. Why is that part of the problem?”

“God, my head is pounding. I need an aspirin. Or a shot. Or an aspirin with a shot.”

“You’re trying to get drunk again.”

“Again? How do you put up with hearing your bullshit all day long?”

“My bullshit? How is what I’m saying bullshit?”

“Yeah, we both know it is. The faux surprise isn’t fooling anyone.”

“I’m being serious.”

“So am I. And it’s bullshit. Just like everything else you’ve ever promised me, it seems. It’s not like what’s pouring out of your mouth right now isn’t the norm. Based on my three years of experience - three years and four months, to be exact - this is exactly what I should expect from you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah - we’re past that. There are no excuses left. I swear, my mother is going to love the fact that she was right. I will never hear the end of it at every family gathering. Pass the mashed potatoes, Lucille - You know, like your husband was passed around by half of the town. I am such a cliche.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m going to need you to put the puppy dog eyes back in their cage, Spot.”

“God, Luce, you’re acting like a child.”

“Ha! I’m the child? Right. That’s rich coming from the manchild. Who’s going to buy you underwear now?”

“I have been taking care of you through our whole relationship! Who bought dinner last night?”

“Oh, so I should be down on my knees thanking you for that one dinner while you were feeding it to women at other… tables?”

“The metaphors are a nice touch.”

“Would you rather me raw dog it? Fucking hell, tell me you weren’t raw-dogging it. You at least used a condom, right?”

“Of course I did.”

“Don’t act like that was a given, Donald.”

“Well, I thought you’d at least expect that.”

“At least? What I expected, at least, was you keeping your dick in your pants.”

“We only had sex a few times. And never here.”

“Oh, of course. Let me find the bar. There it is - on the floor. Don’t worry, Mom. He didn’t fuck her on those sheets you got us for my birthday. He is a gentleman, after all.”

“I’m not a complete asshole, Lucy.”

“What exactly is the spectrum of an asshole? Not an asshole - he only fucks his side piece in his car. A complete asshole - he not only fucks her in our bed, but he also lights the house on fire.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Think I’m allowed to be a little dramatic here, especially considering -”

“At least I told you.”

“After I confronted you. After someone saw you. After my name was in so many other people’s mouths in pity.”

“Who saw -”

“And your cock was in her mouth.”

“At least you dropped the metaphors.”