Wish-Upon-A

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. I looked up at the stars; I could be there, surrounded by space. A space where I could finally scream, if I could dare let it out.

My held-in scream felt like the only thing holding me together. I lay back down on the night-damp grass and looked all around the sky. Satellites followed in their dogged, onward path, paving the way for loved ones to send their heartfelt messages of anger to each other through their messaging apps. Each person preferring a different app, and arguing which one was best.

How many messages were coming back and forth, or was that even how it worked? I liked to think of a frowning emoji being beamed out from the end of a phone like a light beam; pointed at the satellite and then bouncing off to be caught, miraculously, by the other phone. Their receiving loved one would then send a poo emoji back; playing a sophisticatedly childish game of pong with their emotions.

It started to rain, but a light rain is a good thing and I, like everyone else, like to pretend that I am special. I am so special that I will lay here on wet grass at night, on the front lawn with rain tickling my face as I watch the stars. I should make an image of this special-ness and turn it into one of my new graphic designs and put it on another t-shirt - with all the right tags - ‘stargazer’, ‘grunge’, ‘gift for teen’; to make it into the right sales algorithm so that I can keep earning the extra $30 a month to pay for my TV subscriptions that help distract me from my life.

I don’t know if I can keep it together. I am empty.

Ooh, look - a shooting star! I make a wish for a dark chocolate ice cream and then realise how ridiculous I am.

How do you get to a point in your life where you don’t feel like you can even hold all the threads of your problems together for one more second, and that the nothingness in you is just a reflection on how devoid of meaning, substance and importance you feel you are to the world; only to then turn it around after one second of childlike stargazing, and move so quickly back to your first love - ice cream?

Am I that shallow; or is it that I am insane? Or really, is it just that the little things in life are all that matter in making us who we want to be?

Ding. “Your payment to PayFlixTV has failed. Please top up your account now to continue using our services. You are valued to us. Your service will stop tomorrow without immediate payment.”

Eerghhhhh.

I held my shining bright phone up in front of the magnificent stars. Message after message rolled over me. It’s funny how your neck can hurt from tensing your jaw, even when you lay flat.

Ding. 'You have 11 unread messages from Jodie'. I might as well read them. They won’t be as bad as what I imagine she is saying anyway.

Ding. Jodie. “... Well, if that’s how you’re going to act then perhaps I’ll just…” Yeah, I’ll just not read it and reply with an emoji. Oh GOD, which emoji. I scroll through. I select 5 different ones and delete them. I go back to my old favourite; squishy faced hugs. I really need a hug. Why can’t someone just hold me and not make everything so very ‘end of the world’.

Ding. Aunt Claire. “Hey darling. I’m sorry I can’t ring you in person but there are so many of us to tell and Kathy will get cross if I get on the phone for too long, as she wants to sort the will asap. I just wanted to let you know that your Aunt Judy passed away this morning at 3:04am. After her long struggles she …”

I looked up and was glad that Aunt Judy didn’t suffer any more. I should really be glad she’s gone and not suffering. So. Glad. She’s not suffe… I breathed in tightly.

But she was the one who gave me my first dark ice cream. The flavour kids weren’t meant to have. We ran around the corner and hid from mum and dad so they wouldn't know, and it’s been our secret, all this time. That ice cream was so big I couldn't eat dinner and mum got cross and said I was ‘being fussy’.

No one ever knew that little secret. It’s the little things that make you love someone, not the big things. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath.

I saw another shooting star and thought of ice cream. I giggled. This time the giggle wouldn’t stop. It made me choke a little and I sat up, catching my breath as it turned unexpectedly into a sob. Just a little sob. Only a quiet one. Not one that would wake the neighbours or turn anyone’s head. Please someone turn your head to me; but just not for too long.

I stayed sitting up. I looked down at my lap and the other messages there. My neck hurt. My sister, cross at what I said to my other sister. My friend, saying how bad her day had been - she never thought to ask how my day was and I don’t think I would know how to really say. My bank balance, screaming at me for being an unkind owner. My neighbour, asking (again) for me to mow my lawn as she has visitors coming, please.

Does no one like grass a little longer now? Can it not have the freedom to be grass and fulfil its grassy destiny to bend in the wind and feel the freedom on its stalk? I stood up and twirled under the stars, under the light rain - remembering how I danced, so free under them when I was small.

That can be my next t-shirt. A child, dancing under the stars, in the long, swaying grass; in the rain. Product tag words; ‘child’, ‘freedom’ ‘childhood’.

Ding.