Where Tomorrow Begins

I knew her while I was still in my adolescent years, lacking any concrete motivations or the will to express any of my true desires. However, I will be the first to mention my hazy interest in seeing what she would look like as the years passed and her face started to age soft features into ones of maturity. I still had no idea what that feeling was, or what I wanted to do with it. Amidst the changes to everything about my life; my body, my face, and my sexual urges - all of it seemed to revolve around the one consistent thing in my life, Claire. We kissed once...It was after one of those poorly put together end-of-the-year festivals during our junior high years, but I remember it so vividly.

Rather, I remember the sensation of a cold separation when she pulled her lips from my own. It was different from anything I’d felt before then, different from anything I’ve felt since as well. It was an insignificant celebration that changed my life forever, coming from a girl who I believe shared the same feelings I did. She opened my eyes to a world of things that couldn’t be quantified or explained. For the five seconds our embrace lasted, the entire world stopped and the only thing I could hear was our heartbeats syncing together. The sound of her thumping chest and the feel of her warm touch fueled my happiness for ages.

After graduating from junior high, Claire and I went on to different high schools. In our freshman year of high school, I visited her four or five times, each of the trips we laid under a pulsing sun and discussed how the future (or lack of it) frightened us. But that was it. Eventually, I stopped volunteering to embark on the five-hour bus ride, and in return, she stopped calling, all of it seemed like a natural separation at the time. How young and immature of me to think five measly hours were enough to let her disappear from my life. The sight of Claire became harder and harder to recall, the feeling of her warm embrace and the delicate peck of her lips against mine. I blindly chased any sensation that reminded me of Claire on that muggy June afternoon, sometimes I got close enough to imitations of her that I could peacefully unattach myself from the searing desire I had to see her once again.

The world and all of its individual experiences started to change slowly but surely and like memories left on the shore, the tides of reality began to wash them away. The idea that one day I might’ve rolled out of bed and all but forgotten the times we shared together terrified me, but I refused to grasp at an idea that she may have already forgotten. The fondness of her smile and the warmth of her touch soothed me whenever I stumbled across the place in my mind I constructed for her. Despite all of this, I was sure I would never see her again.

Throughout high school, I was your average student. During the pinnacle of most social lives, I was a quiet excluded teenager. The idea of a hive mindset that wallowed in its own mediocrity of “normal behavior” didn’t interest me. During my journey of solitude, I learned the true nature of my emotions and in return, the world opened its arms wide and embraced me. As a result, I started to create a relationship between mind and body that led me to a level of self-love I’m certain many of my peers never achieved. My love for music and books continued to flourish into passions I would carry with me until this day. At the age of seventeen, I started to foster an unbridled obsession with films, a lingering sign of the friendship I once had with claire. She absolutely adored cinema and never hesitated to ask her parents to take us to see the newest movies when we were young.

In my sophomore year I found myself in a body I did not recognize, eagerly inserting myself in whatever social group would acknowledge the changes I had undergone. After a few dates with women whose names I can’t recall, I received my first romantically inclined kiss from a girl named Alexis. It was a Saturday and it had been our second date. She was over at my house that evening and my mother was out working late, so we had the entire house to ourselves. When our lips got within range of each other’s, she shut her eyes and sat in anticipation - as if she had been practicing in front of her mirror for this moment. I was ready to make every excuse of why I couldn’t press my lips on hers, but I did.

My lips fit perfectly between her own and before I knew it, my arms were wrapped around her torso and I pulled her closer to me. It was the beginning of the fall and she wore a long sleeve shirt with teal yoga pants. The outfit was offset by a pair of boots decorated with blonde fur. My hands started to roam around her body and before I knew it my fingertips were tracing the delicate frame of her breasts. All confidence fled as she refocused her lips against my neck and then I saw it, the palace I constructed for my memories of Claire.

The excitement that filled my heart whistled out in an instant. After, we sat in silence and although it felt like my heart was ready to burst out of my chest my mind was fixed on Claire. I was no longer alone but the thought of Claire made me feel a deeper loneliness than ever before. If it were her on that couch with me that evening, there would have been no hesitation nor confusion. Now that I could feel what the embrace of sexual tension felt like, I knew that Claire was the one I yearned for. I was up that entire night thinking of her. As the morning sun shone through the blinds in my room I could see her face. It was the first time in years I could remember it so clearly.

The hazy intention I had to see her soft features mature suddenly transformed into a clear picture of what she looked like now. The thought of picking up the phone and calling her intrigued me so much but Claire was in a world of her own now, and so was I. Alexis and I went out for more than a year. We went out on dates twice a week; some meaningless jogs, went to the movies, and visited her favorite park which was home to the most beautiful pear tree I had ever seen. Overly cautious, I never reached back out to Claire.

Before I knew it, twelve years had passed since I last saw Claire. All of the features that she knew about the young man a lifetime ago were no more. One morning I was a man in his mid 30’s sitting at his kitchen table watching the school bus escort both of my children away to kindergarten. All of the clouds above my four bedroom house wept rain that I could all but resonate with. The deep oceanic blue sky were overshadowed by the same crying clouds and I knew at that moment - leaving Claire behind was the biggest mistake of my life, and I would never see her again.