Where I belong

Mai came to pick me up at the airport early Sunday morning once I landed. I had begged her not to because she needed to get some rest for work, but she said she couldn't wait to see me, so I had stopped fighting her, knowing she was going to to what she wanted anyway.

"Ah Kim I missed you so much!" She says, engulfing me in a hug.

"Mai I saw you last week." I say.

She lets me go, "Girl, you know that being around these boys makes it seem like a lot longer."

I laugh and grab my bags off the floor. The airport wasn't too busy, so getting out of there and to the car wasn't horrific. The ride to the hotel from the airport was relatively short, but that didn't stop Mai from playing a one-sided game of 20 questions about 20 times while the poor Uber driver tried to concentrate on the road.

"Have you gotten any offers yet?

Who's your favorite?

Do you want to leave?

Kim are you leaving me?

You know how the guys are and you wanna leave me?

What am I going to do without you?

Who am I going to have fun with?

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the staff is fun but they're not you.

Who else can I tell me secrets to?"

I smile and shake my head,

"No.

Don't have one.

What's meant to be will be.

The guys are stupid but you can handle them.

If I leave you're going to keep killing it like always. You're the fun one in this friendship, so you'll have fun with everyone else.

You're too sweet Mai.

And I'm not falling off the face of the planet Mai, you can still call or text me when you have chisme. Besides, you're talking like I already left. I just got back from Buffalo and you're stuck with me for another week. I'm not that easy to get rid of."

She rolls her eyes and grins, "I know we've still got a week together, and I know that you might not leave but I've been having a feeling that you're not staying with us anymore. For a lot of reasons."

"Like what?"

"Well for one, we don't seem to get that same vibe from you anymore. Not that it's bad or anything, I love the fact that you're growing up and being a lot more independent. It's a great look on you, seeing you be all confident, especially on your Instagram. I think it's just that we've been around you since you were 16, and now you're not 16 and ready to move onto bigger and better things. Like even the way that you talk to everyone, especially..." She trailed off, almost saying his name.

There were no ill feelings towards James anymore. I was over that, which I think was a big reason why I started gaining confidence in myself. I started realizing what I was worth and what I brought to the table. I started accepting and bettering and it attracted so many new things, like the opportunity to work with different teams across both leagues, meeting new people, and even bringing me my first reciprocated romantic experience. I had mentioned all of this to Mai, but I'm sure that she doesn't believe me yet. I don't blame her, she just cares about me a lot and doesn't want to reopen old wounds. Thankfully for me and all others around me, the wounds healed and vanished. I'm not the 17 year old that was in love with James anymore, now I'm the 21 year old who's getting her life together for herself and the future she wants. James has his life now, expecting his first child with Callie, and it's my turn, hopefully having something with Ben.

"Yeah, I think it's about time I stopped talking to James like a girl who was blindly in love with him and ended up getting hurt because of it."

She grins, "You're not a girl anymore. You're a, and please excuse my language I just think that it's fitting, whole ass woman which has a whole ass future anywhere. I would love for you to stay here and work with us, but I feel like you're done here. I know you feel it too."

I grimace, I had a feeling that she knew now. She's been one of my best friends since I was 16, she let me live with her after my first year in LA, and she is the one person who was going to make I really hard to sign a contract elsewhere.

"Well, I haven't gotten any offers yet, so we can pretend for thr upcoming break that it's not happening."

Mai rolls her eyes playfully, "Fine Kim."

The Uber pulled up in front of one of the entrances to Dodger Stadium. We grabbed my bags from the trunk and gave him a 5 star rating.

"He was kinda cute don't you think?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know, I didn't get a good look at him."

She raised a playful eyebrow, "Mm, sure Kim. Or maybe you just have been blinded by another man, this one being 6 feet tall, having shoulder length hair, and playing shortstop."

I roll my eyes and smile, "Ay Mai, such a convenient segway."

"What? You knew the question was going to come! And don't think I didn't realize that you skipped over one of the questions I asked you." She says as we start walking to the usual employee entrance.

"Okay, in my defense you asked a lot of questions and I tried my best to answer them. I didn't do it on purpose."

"Fact of the matter is that you didn't give me an answer, so lemme ask again. Who's your favorite so far?"

"I don't know dude, I'm not sure I have one."

"Lies! I know for a fact that you do, even if you don't know you do."

I smack my lips at her, "What, how?"

"It can be heard in your voice." She says as we get to the doors. There wasn't a security guard there like there normally is, so Mai scans her tag and we go inside.

"Really?"

"Yeah, like when you were in San Diego, there was no change in your voice. It was like you were still here. When you went to Milwaukee, you sounded different, like you were having fun, more than here or San Diego. I think that was mainly because Christian is like an older brother to you and that made you feel more at home since you've known him since you were 16 and he didn't break your heart."

I laugh and stop at the entrance to the press box. "Okay, I see what you mean. So yeah okay I guess I do have a favorite."

"That's right, and don't try to tell me that it's anywhere other than Toronto. You can't fool me." She gets he key and opens the door so I can leave my bags in there.

I scoff and throw my gymbag in there, "Ay what if it is somewhere other than Toronto."

"Yeah right! I dare you to try and convince me otherwise." She takes my suitcase from me and throws it in the room.

"Well, I didn't actually go to Toronto, remember that their stadium for this season is in Buffalo. So technically, if we're talking places I went to, Buffalo was my favorite."

She shuts the door and rolls her eyes at me, "Kim, I am going to smack you."

I laugh and drape my arm across her shoulders. "However, I see what you mean, and if you want to hear me say it, here it is. Yes, the Blue Jays were my favorite team throughout this process, but not for the reason you think."

"Oh yeah, try me."

As we start walking to the clubhouse so she can get started on work, I explain to her what I loved about working with the guys in Buffalo. They were young, building their own team and coming into it quite nicely. I was able to see a lot of that in the 3 short weeks that I was there, and I loved every second. The guys were super cool, I loved being able to work with them and even hang out with them in the clubhouse and outside of it. Vlad, Lourdes, Teo, and Chris are all great personalities to be around and were great to work with, as well as all the other staff members in the clubhouse and stadium. I told her everything that I experienced, except for anything having to do with Ben. That boy deserved a conversation of his own.

Mai's face fell a little, "I guess they sound kind of cool."

"Oh don't worry Mai, they're nowhere near as cool as you."

"I mean I know that Kim, that's a given." She says, making me laugh. "But, that makes me feel like you're not only leaving, but you're going across the country for the rest of this season, then next season they're going back to Toronto so we won't even be in the same country. I mean I know you've always wanted to go north of the border, but you're going to live there for the summer now."

"Mai, we travel a lot, I'm not living there for 3 months straight. Besides, we're bound to run into each other at some point. The way these guys are going, they're going to continue to have more all-stars, and our guys here are not going to stop having all-stars either. There's at least 2 days where we'll see each other in the season. If I stay in the NL, we'll see each other a lot too."

"Kim, I know we're not going to pretend that you're staying in the NL. I know you're going to the AL."

I disregard it, "Okay, let's say I go to the AL, they play the Angles and the A's. What if these guys have an off day while we're here? There's time opening up right there."

She sighs, "Who would have thought the 16 year-old I met back in 2016 would make it so hard to let go of the 21 year-old standing before me?"

I grin, "Mai, like I said before, I'm not disappearing off the face of the planet. We're getting ahead of ourselves anyway. I haven't gotten any offers yet, they're due today so they could still come in, but if they've waited this long I'm sure that's not a good sign."

"Fine, we'll talk about that later." We get to the door and just before she was about to open it, I stopped her.

"Hey um, I know that you want to hear all about," I lower my voice a bit to say his name, "Ben, but can we wait until later when we can have girl talk? I don’t need these guys all up in my possible love life."

"Girl, already one step ahead of you. I got birthday cake ice cream and unbaked pizza in the freezer, as well as all our favorite movies ready at home. We are having such a girl's night."

I laugh, "Nice! I am so ready!"

She smiles and opens the door to the most familiar clubhouse of them all. There was always an exciting air that I felt in here, something that made me feel like I belonged. I felt the same walking into the clubhouse in Buffalo, which is another reason why I loved that team so much. When I came back in here after Kiké left and Alex got traded, it didn't feel the same way. It felt familiar, but I didn't feel that I belonged as much anymore. Back then I blamed it on the change of the world because of the pandemic, because Alex and Kiké who were my guys were no longer there, and because my relationship with James was damaged. After taking on this process of bouncing from one club to the next, I found that it was because I probably wasn't meant to be in the Dodger's clubhouse anymore. There were other organizations that were interested in the kind of work I did and how I did it. There were spaces for me to grow and continue my craft in different cities where I would experience new things with new people. At first, before I hopped on the plane to San Diego, that was a scary thought. Leaving the only people I knew and having to start the program I run over again with a new group of guys who I haven't known for 5 years was the part that gave me the most anxiety. These new guys had no reason to listen to me or respect anything I said, but as I went from one city to the next, I found them really open to what I brought to the team and they were really easy to work with. They seemed to like the way I worked and the GM's (General Managers) seemed to like what they saw in the teams when I was done. I could be wrong considering I don't have any offers yet, but I'm keeping my hopes up that if I absolutely have to, the Dodgers would want me so that I could stay.

The clubhouse was empty, none of the players were here yet since the game didn't start for another 7 hours. I'm glad they weren't here. At least this way I could come up with pre-planned answers to questions that they would have. I already had the standard "Awesome, I had a lot of fun," when asked how it was, "I don't have one," when asked if I had a favorite, and the short and condensed version of "We went out to eat, then got some ice cream, then he drove me back home. It was really nice" for when they asked how my date with Ben went. Coming up with answers on the spot made me nervous, especially with how I left things here before I left. Everyone was sad, and although I thought they looked happy when I saw them in DC, if they caught onto it like Mai did, they know I'm ready to be anywhere but L.A.

What hurts me the most is how I left things with James here after his injury. He told me that it was Callie who was out of line, but I didn't exactly respond in the best way. I don't love him anymore, not in the way I did when I was 19 anyway. He hurt me, and that is why I think I blew up on him and Callie, saying some things that I don't regret, but that I know hurt them. I often wondered what it would have been like if he had chosen me instead of Callie. Would I have been the one pregnant? Would we have lasted? Would he be happy with me? Would I be the woman I am today if James had loved me as much as I loved him? Regardless of what happened between us, he was still one of my best friends. He may be falling a bit behind in placement, but still a near and dear soul in my life. Although he is not what I thought what I wanted him to be in my life, he will be that for someone who makes him happy, and that's all that matters.

I was ready to leave all of this behind, to get a fresh start in a new place, and if I was being authentically honest, I did have a favorite. I knew it from the moment I stepped into the visitor’s clubhouse when I was with the Yankees. I had seen him before, I had talked to him before, I had known him from before, and seeing him before getting to work with him was more than just coincidence. I was able to spend a lot of time with Ben before seeing him every day for 3 weeks straight, which is what I think made it easier for me to say yes to Ben when he wanted to go on a date with me. I am not one to disregard signs or believe in coincidences, I believe that everything happens for a reason. What ultimate reason is it in the end, I do not know. What I do know is that There was so much that happened while I was gone, and a good chunk of it involved the Blue Jays. I thought what was making me gravitate towards working with that club was the boy with the “flow” as they called it, but it was really the organization that was my new home.

Normally, I would plan a grand entrance into the clubhouse to remind these guys that they love me, but they took forever to come into the clubhouse so I grew weary of the idea. Plus, they had already seen me recently so there was really no need for something so dramatic. I decided to go with Mai who is usually the first staff member to greet them as she takes their pictures as they’re arriving. As they came trickling in, I would hide behind one of the trees out in the parking lot and jump out at them to say hi. Some were happy, some were surprised, then came the group of James, Austin, Marcus, and James. They were walking, Mai said hi, then I came out with a “Boo!”

They all scattered back as I almost doubled over laughing.

“Jesus Christ Kim!” Austin exclaimed, then he realized it was me and smiled, coming over to give me a hug.

“What?” I say as I reciprocate. “I’m just making sure y’all are fully awake and ready to play.”

We let go and James comes over and gives me a bear hug. “You’re lucky you’re a kid, James would’ve sucker punched you in the face.”

“Dude I know! His fists came up and everything!” I say as I let go and look at James. “It’s the new dad instincts huh?”

He rolls his eyes playfully and gives me a hug, to which I reciprocate.

As I let go, there was a quick realization that not even that affected me anymore, which was of great relief and excitement.

I go over to dap up Marcus but he opens up his arms.

“Nah bruh, we’re friends now come on.”

I laugh and give him a quick hug as well.

“When did you get in? I honestly thought we wouldn’t see you again at all if not after the all-star break.” James says as they start walking.

“I honestly did too, but I decided that it was best to be here a little bit before my life possibly takes me somewhere else for my career.” I say as I start walking with them.

“How positive are you that you’re not coming back?” Marcus asks.

“I honestly have no idea. I don’t have any offers yet.”

“Not even from the Dodgers?” James asks.

“Nope, not even from here. It actually worries me a little that I haven’t gotten any contract offers yet, especially not from here. If I don’t get any by either tonight or tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll every have the chance to work with or in the MLB ever again.”

“Kim, don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure they’re just coming up with a contract that will make you want to work with them.” Austin says. “It’s really easy for you to get into the all or nothing situation in your head, you just gotta wait and see.”

“Yeah Kim, you’re smart, talented at what you do, easy to work with, and innovative. Literally, every baseball club needs someone like you to help.” James says.

“Aw, y’all are so nice, but no amount of nice words can get me out of this. Let’s just focus on the fact that you guys have a game today, and I am visiting which means that you guys have to win.”

“As if there’s even a doubt that we are going to win. We got you back here so we are going to win.” James says.

“Y’all better!” I say making them smile. We walked in silence a little bit and I slowed down a little to line up with James. “Hey, you’re a little quiet, you okay?”

He keeps looking forward. “Yeah, it’s just that Callie was really sick this morning and it got her in a bad mood.”

“Aw no, has her morning sickness been bad lately?”

"Yeah I think so. I don't know, I think it's her own feelings just kind of turned up to 10 or something. Reminds me of you a little."

I roll my eyes and smack his arm, "Boy bye."

He laughs, "No I'm serious. Like you're always turned up to 10, but you're at least a funny and enjoyable 10. You're always turned up to the point that even when you're mad it's a force to be reckoned with but you at least make sense. With Callie there is no logic, there is no reason behind her being mad. I try to do all the things that she wants when she's upset but I can't seem to do anything right. It's like when Callie is like that, she acts like, like..." He trails off, not being able to find the words.

"Like a wife?"

A lightbulb goes off in his head. "Yeah, that's what it is. How do you know?"

"Well James, you did get the girl pregnant and she has needs and wants that you need to supply for her dude. You're not exactly the type people envision when they talk about a dad."

He laughs it off, but I know I'm going to hear about it later. "No I mean, you always know what I'm trying to say."

"Well James I have something called a psychology degree, which helps me read people and do the work that I do."

"No Kim for real. Literally only you know how to do that! No one else can, not my mom, not Ashley, not Cole, not my dad, not even Callie can."

I purse my lips, wanting to pick my words carefully. I feel like ever since I left, I had to be careful about what I said and what words I used to say things when it came to talking about James. I didn't need everyone around me to think that I was still hurt or dwelling on the whole situation. I knew I had to move on so I did, and that brought me to so many new and good things in my life. It had already been a year for crying out loud, but some people, especially James and the guys here, thought I was still in love with him.

"Well James, I've known you for a while, 5 whole years foo. I've caught onto your way of thinking and thought process. I know you very well because I have studied and memorized who and how you are." I say which makes him grin. So I quickly add, "Don't go feeling too special now foo, I have to do that with everyone as my job. Plus, my psychology brain just does it now instantly anyway."

His grin fades slowly and I can see that it wasn't the answer he was expecting, which made me curious. Before he left because of his injury, he told me that he was sorry for everything that went down and that he wanted to move past it if I was willing to. When I said yes there was relief on his face and although I told him that this might change how things worked between us from before, he was happy that we could just move on from the whole ordeal. Now here he was, still not understanding that I wasn't looking at him the same way anymore, with the heart eyes that I used to have for him. He was so used to the relationship that we had, where he would simply exist and I'd be swooning so I'd make him feel good about himself by having this great friendship. Now, it's like he doesn't know how to act or be around be, it's like were never friends. I guess I had something to do with it, since I cut him off when I found out he was leading me on and I said some unkind words to him and to Callie before I left. I had to show him that it was like the old times, that we don't have to be different because we're only ever going to be just friends now.

"It's also not hard to know that although you have matured like this much," I create a small space between my index finger and thumb to show him. "in the past couple of years, so you're not used to being bossed around. They pamper you a lot here ya little consentido."

"For your information, I have matured quite enough."

"Ay ay, just because you know how to parallel park now doesn't mean that you're mature." I say, making everyone, including James, laugh.

We finally reached the clubhouse doors and went in. They greeted everyone and for a second, it felt almost normal, as if I never left. I struck up normal day to day conversation with the guys for a little bit, until Dave came in.

"I heard the kiddo is back! Where is she?" He scanned the room until he saw me.

I waved at him like it was the first time I met him. "Hi!"

He smiles and comes over to hug me, "Don't just 'Hi' me girl come here."

I laugh and hug him back. "Sorry, it's been habit lately."

"Good to have you back kiddo," He steps back. "That is I hope that you are back and you're not leaving us again."

I grin, "Well, no offers yet, not even from here so we'll see."

"Oh you know damn well I'll go talk to the front office right away, make sure you end up where you belong."

I assumed he meant back here in LA is where I belong, and that made my blood go cold. I knew I didn't belong here anymore, and if these guys thibk I still do and they want me here, it's going to make it a lot harder to leave. These guys have been like my family since I was 16, how was I going to let this go so easily?

"Well Dave I think we should attend to more pressing matters," I turn to talk to the rest of the team. "Like the game today that y'all better win because if y'all really love me, y'all would win."

They all laugh and give a quick cheer. Once they died down, I went back to my normal duties of the clubhouse. I may not have to until tomorrow, but I might as well get started with my notes in here, then I can go on into my office to sort through all this information for the club and the doc. I did my rounds, talking to the guys about how they were doing, both psychologically and physically,. I got many greats and goods, one meh, and James gave me a riveting explanation about his better grip on a ball alongside his answer of "Amazing!" I escaped into my office quickly and typed up my notes. I was about to email them to the doc and my supervisor right away, but then I saw that I had an unread email from the Yankees organization. My heart pounded in my ears as I read the words in the subject.

URGENT ACTION NEEDED: Contract offer

I have never clicked on anything faster in my life. I got through the first line of the email which read "Dear Ms. Kimberly Luna," before there was a knock on my door.

I mentally groaned and called out, "Pasale!"

In walked Danny, the supervisor of stadium relations. "Hey Kim, I heard you were back, I had to come see for myself."

I grin, "Hi Danny."

"So, I know you just got back, and don't get me wrong, I really did want to come say hi, but I want to ask you for a huge favor."

I narrow my eyes at him, "I am not babysitting your hamster again."

He laughs, "No, never again I promised. I wanted to ask if you could do a tour today."

I audibly groan this time, "Danny, I don't like doing full group tours. Can't you get Sadie to do it?"

"It's not a group tour Kim, it's for the person singing the national anthem today."

I let out a sigh of relief, "Okay fine, that I can do." I close the tabs on my computer and shut it down. As I walked out of my office with an itch to take out my phone and finish reading the email from the Yankees, but I had business here to take care of.