The Specialized Skill of Sadness

“You good Des? Breathe deep with me. Stay still. Just like that.”

“I’m good, Frank. Sorry. Heart’s just on a victory lap right now. You got me in here doing intense cardio.”

“I’ll say. It's beating so hard, I can feel it thump against every part of my palm. The base of your throat is moving a million miles an hour. Promise you’re okay? I didn’t kill you? Or make you sick?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. Not used to being with you yet, I think. Really kicks my system into overdrive. In the best way. You’re like, really great.”

“You’re extra charming tonight. You sure do know how to make a girl feel special.”

“Extra charming, huh? I’ve always been this charming. It just took you a minute to figure it out.”

“Saying all these sweet things to me after you made me feel all syrupy and soft? God you’re perfect.”

“Nah, not perfect. Right now, I’m thinking about how I would kill for an ice-cold beer. Even though it’s like four thirty in the morning and I’m literally a boneless man, exhausted. Weird guy behavior.”

“You get a weird guy pass. Maybe if I show you one of the twelve million PBR photos I sent you, it’ll help. Plus if we’re quiet, we can probably hear the sound of the refrigerator, so it feels like ice cold…or something. We don’t even have to move, or anything.”

“God you’re cute. Sorry.”

“Aw, love, don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying. I was just thinking about my phone buzzing all the time with a stupid picture of a stupid can. When you were five hundred miles away, and my phone buzzed with a million different versions of that same red, white, and blue can. And I feel things, okay?”

“A million makes me sound like an alcoholic.”

“Don’t be a smartass. I cut it down from your twelve million. So, yeah, fine, sue me. It’s one tear. Get over it.”

“Oh, Ob-la-des. I’m right here, tangled up with you, so you don’t have to miss me.”

“I’m not missing. I’m memorizing.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. There’s nothing else I want to say. But, your voice, it’s scratchy and low the way I like. Like a woolen blanket. Feels nice. So, you talk more. Give me more of that.”

“I can be a blanket. First, I’m going to tell you some gossip.”

“Oh?”

“Shh, listen.”

“I’m listening.”

“Okay and you have to promise to believe I’m telling you the truth and there are no further questions.”

“Am I going to regret that promise?”

“Probably not.”

“Okay. Fine.”

“That sleep dress of mine over there? That’s new since I moved back to this bitter winter hellscape. I need ugly warmth instead of sexy because I’m not acclimated yet.”

“What the fuck is a sleep dress?”

“That green blob over there. Can you hand it back to me?”

“Yeah, here catch. Wait, does this mean you had a sexy outfit you didn’t wear for me?”

“Thank you. No, I’m telling you that I only wear hideous outfits before sex anymore.”

“Jesus. Your hands are freezing. Are you trying to send me to the grave even quicker?”

“Sorry. You’re just like a furnace. I cannot stop myself, I want to wear your skin.”

“You’re so fucking weird. That heat comes and goes. I think it’s the radioactivity.”

“Hot and maybe a superhero. Into it.”

“You can’t name any of the radioactive superheroes?”

“It doesn’t matter because you’re hotter than all of them, anyway, obviously. Plus, you see this ugly laundry bag outfit I’m in. So, sorry, that the kind of sexy version of me you knew once is gone.”

“Frankie, don’t be stupid, you’re still kind of sexy. Yes, you look like maybe that’s actually thirty three pieces of fabric tied together, but luckily for you, I’m just the right niche audience.”

“Des, you can’t say things like that; you are ruining my life. How will I ever be in love with anyone else?”

“What do you want me to say to that? Should the dying guy be comforting you?”

“Sorry. I was trying to be funny.”

“I know, me too kind of. I’m sorry. It is funny but it also sucks.”

“Sucks is probably the understatement of the century.”

“Drama.”

“Fine, but I’m also really mad you’re going to fucking die.”

“Get in line, baby girl.”

“Now that’s not funny.”

“Wasn’t trying to be that time.”

“Okay, fine. You can have that.”

“Thanks.”

“God, I can’t believe I spent so many years convincing myself that the time I couldn’t breathe when we held hands was all down to the molly. I was terrified you were going to stop me one day and tell me you were just high.”

“Frank, you’re joking. Holding your hand that night was so scary. I knew once I did, it was over for me but I couldn’t ever tell if you actually liked me until you were gone. I’m still not totally sure.”

“Can’t believe I ever let myself think you weren’t everything to me. Can’t believe I ever let you think that.”

“What are these? I keep bumping against them around your throat, and I don’t know if it’s the cancer, the age, or the fact that they’re teensy, but I cannot see what’s inscribed on them.”

“Intaglio gemstones. Found them online after my dad died. Capricorn and Aquarius. Both my parents.”

“Desmond and Dana.”

“It seemed important, or special, or something, that they both had D first names. So, originally, I wanted a D signet ring. Felt like I could carry them both.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but I never found anything I liked, so I found these charms instead. Would you be okay if I picked up the search for the ring again?”

“Yeah, of course. I think I’d like that. How about you also make me a promise?”

“Yeah, Des, I can do that.”

“When you’re inevitably back on Hinge after I’m gone, will you put something about two dead Desmonds on your profile?”

“Shut up.”

“Between your dad and me, I think the next guy needs to see the Desmond graveyard. And he better accept it.”

“The fuck? Accept which part?”

“Frankie, the whole thing. I’m serious. I also need you to wear the blue and green Hawaiian shirt you wore to your Dad’s celebration of life to mine. And then when you start going on dates.”

“Oh, god.”

“Show some respect and really commit to the bit.”

“You’re a sick man.”

“Yes. And dying, so I get to be an asshole. It’s all gonna be part of you, so it should be there front and center. Fuck a man who can’t face it and get it. It’s shitty timing, but being with you has been one of the best parts of my life, so I’ll take advantage.”

“Maybe I’ll date a woman.”

“Fuck anyone who can’t appreciate you for all the shit you’ve been through. Because I love you.”

“Des.”

“Sorry. You were telling me about these gems in the dip of your throat.”

“Ah, yes. This started because I asked my mom for her and my dad’s wedding bands, long before my dad got sick. I was obsessed and kept asking. After he died, she gave them to me, even though she’s very much alive.”

“Yes, that’s Dana for you.”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry, go on.”

“I wanted to wear them, but felt guilty and would be crushed if I lost them. Maybe she planned it or noticed, but she also got us engraved rings. So now, I keep my loved ones close with beautiful things. Did you do anything like that?"

“Yeah. My dad wrote his initials in a different script for all of us in our birthday cards and stuff. So, like, we had personalized signatures. He told my mom to embroider them on one of his hankies when he died. I don’t think he knew it was coming that October, but apparently, he’s a psychic.”

“Christ. Of course.”

“Of course, what?”

“Nevermind.”

“You can’t keep secrets from a dying guy who just told you a sad story about his dad, who recently died tragically.”

“You are so lucky, I love you. And that it’s like, middle-of-the-night early.”

“Go on.”

“I just mean, of course, your dad was so thoughtful and loving because that’s the only thing I’ve ever known to be true about you.”

“Frankie, I mean, my dad was still a dad, so sometimes he was annoying.”

“Desmond, you’re sometimes annoying, so that tracks.”

“I shouldn’t find that hot, but I do. Can we adjust? My arm has started to go to sleep a little bit from not moving for a while.”

“You don’t have to ask, love. Of course. Let me scoot over. Watch for those pillows. Don’t let go of me, though. Just slide with me across these buttery sheets. What the fuck do you wash these with?”

“Nothing special. They were expensive.”

“Oh, how very Bruce Wayne of you.”

“Do you still think it’s a bad idea I’m here?”

“My love, it’s a terrible idea.”

“Why?”

“Apart from the cancer, you mean?”

“Obviously.”

“How about the fact that our friends would be really hurt and confused?”

“They wouldn’t because I would tell them they couldn’t be mad, and turns out it's my rules.”

“What about the fact that it’s unfair?”

“Unfair to who?”

“Both of us.”

“Sorry?”

“You get the easy part, Des. I’m stuck here, at the end. Trying to explain to people at parties I fell in love with a dead guy without sounding like a freak or a saint. But mostly, it’s unfair to you.”

“Dead guy gets to live the last of his life in love with and banging a hot woman he’s wanted for like, ten years? I’m confused how it’s unfair.”

“No, it’s unfair to you because I came in for the highlight reel.”

“I’m still failing to see the problem.”

“It’s fucked up that I came home for such a blip. Such a teeny, tiny, insignificant blip.”

“I don’t know. Maybe? It’s not like we haven’t talked about it.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been talking about it for seven years.”

“What changed? You with me babe?”

“Sorry, yeah, I’m here. I guess I knew I was running out of time.”

“Oh, fuck me. Yeah, I guess, hearing it like that is a little unfair.”

“I know. I’m an asshole. But I also realized what I’m going to lose. And what I’ve been losing for seven years. And I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to stop.”

“You can’t stop me from dying.”

“No, I know. It’s just. Did I ever tell you that I had this grand plan to adopt senior pets?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Yeah, I wanted to give them something like hospice care? I had this dream, fuck, even before last year. But after my dad died, and the dog got sick, I was really passionate about it. I was making plans.”

“Very you.”

“I thought about how I could make every day this damn dog had left on this planet so full of love. And he wasn’t even mine. Like those stupid fucking videos about a girl’s best friend getting chocolate or whatever.”

“Are you my best friend giving me chocolate?”

“Ouch. That feels like a punch to the chest. With Rudy, when it was his last day, I was devastated. And it was awful. But I could tell it was his time, and I told him he could go.”

“Oh, baby, you really are fucked up. They’re best days for a reason.”

“Yes, I am probably fucked up. Just more so that I think I feel strong enough to love and lose things. And I think that too. They’re heartbreaking. But beautiful.”

“Whoa, that’s something.”

“Sadness has always been this part of me, so it all seemed easy. I think it’s part of what made my parents decide I was the one to pull the plug for them if it ever got to that point. My siblings can’t put anyone else above their feelings.”

“Is it? Easy?”

“No. And yes. It’s the simplest thing I’ve ever done. But, then I think about how I’ll forget the sound of your voice.”

“I’ll record it for you.”

“You know that’s not the same.”

“Yeah, of course, I do. All I have of my dad’s voice is a happy birthday voicemail I play all the time. It’s so familiar, but not.”

“Yeah, like a copy of a copy of him.”

“I’m watching a parody or something. The shape of those same twelve words is all I have left.”

“Sorry, give me a second. I can’t, quite yet. I think it's not easy, because I just did this whole dead person thing, with my dad. So, I sort of know what’s next.”

“I know.”

“So, you know there’s going to be this moment where I’m living my life and I look around, and your absence is the only thing I’ll notice. I know that I’ll probably never drink another PBR without thinking of you, for the rest of my life.”

“There are no words that can even begin to explain how sorry I am.”

“No, dummy, don’t be sorry. I’m not sorry. I mean, I am. But not like that. Not because of this thing that we’re doing.”

“I hate hurting you.”

“I told you I was lucky. I meant it. I knew what I was signing up for. Yes, it’s shitty of me to have wasted so much time. But I won’t waste any more.”

“Listen, I think I hear the birds. You want to have one of those ice-cold PBRs with me? If so, you gotta help me up. Otherwise, let’s tuck in. Get some sleep. I think my heart’s finally settled.”

“Let’s just wait, just a minute.”