Whatever It Is

“Would you love me for my money?

Would you love me for my head?”

“Sorry… need to shit.”

“Would you love me through the—what—no. Can’t you wait? I’m trying to shower here.”

“If I could wait, I wouldn’t be sat on the toilet, babe, shitting a baby deer out of my tight anus.”

“Charming. Real catch, aren’t you?”

“Don’t you know it. Go back to singing, babe. It’ll take your mind off the giant crap I’m taking right now, and I love it when you sing that song.”

“I’m just going to pretend you’re not there. Can you spray some air freshener and flush, please, darling?”

“Sing…”

“Okay, okay. Winter. That’s it.

Would you love me ’til I’m dead? Oh, if you would and you could

Come blow your horn on high…”

“Your arse is still as sexy as it was the day I met you.”

“You’ll make me blush, and I don’t want to blush while you’re shitting.”

“We’re married, for fuck’s sake. It’s only natural we see each other at our most vulnerable.”

“You’re a strange man, Malcolm. I need to wash my… bits. Are you going to look away, or do you want to take a picture to make it last longer?”

“I forgot to bring my phone in. Dammit. Do you really want to look away?”

“Pervert!”

“For you, always. Hey… did you ever imagine, all those years ago on our first dates and when I popped the question, that this is where we’d end up?”

“Of course I did. It was on the same future-life bingo sheet as me giving birth to the first space baby.”

“Life is constantly about change. But this one will be beautiful, babe. Though I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“No one ever is. Shush now and concentrate on finishing what you started, asshole.

I never felt magic crazy as this

I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea

I never held emotion in the palm of my hand

Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree

But now you’re here

Brighten my northern sky…”

“Such a beautiful voice, darling. I do love you.”

“I love you too, smelly arse. Ah. God, that’s sore.”

“You okay, Hailey?”

“My back, and I think I might vom.”

“Take it easy. I knew that curry and two-hour session was a bad idea.”

“Think you’re so amazing…”

“I can’t help it.”

“If you did something about your diet, your shit might smell less like a rat died inside a bigger rat inside your anus.”

“Fair point. I’ve been thinking a lot about my diet.”

“With junior on the way, I need to be fighting fit and healthy for those nighttime feeds and kickabouts at the local field. No pun intended, but I’m shitting myself. Do you think that’s normal?”

“I don’t think being a parent is normal. It just is what it is.”

“But now you’re here… brighten my—”

“Wait, Hailey… is that? Are you bleeding?”

“I don’t know. I think so. Fuck… Malcolm…”

“It might just be a bit of spotting, darling… deep breaths.”

“Spotting? Does it look like fucking spotting to you?”

“Hailey, look at me. I know I’m on the toilet, but look at me. Deep breaths, babe.”

“I can’t breathe, Malcolm. I don’t feel good. What if it’s— God, I’m going to throw up.”

“Don’t worry, we can clean you up. I’m here.”

“What if I’m defective?”

“Shush now, look at me and listen to my voice. Inhale and exhale.”

“I’m trying!”

“Keep going. Inhale and exhale, while I wipe myself up.”

“Inhale, exhale, but what if we’ve… Malcolm.”

“Just breathe.”

“I’m sorry, Malcolm.”

“Whatever it is, we’ll face it together.”

*

Thanks for reading.

Lyrics are from Nick Drake's beautiful song, Northern Sky.