Unveiled

Maybe if I stay still long enough, I can disappear.

The rain feels like a million tiny daggers as it beats down – fast and unrelenting. If there is a God, he’s punishing me. And I deserve it.

Maybe if I close my eyes tight and hold my breath, I will fade away.

My legs feel like they will collapse from under me. I lean against a tree to catch my breath.

I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to exist. Not right now. Not for a very long time.

My wedding dress clings to my body. Muddy. Gross.

I sob - harder than the rain. A million tiny daggers hit my stone cold heart.

What is wrong with me?

How could I leave him like that?

Right now, my Maid of Honor is probably reading my note.

I keep running. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to be here. Why am I here?

Oh God, what did I do…

I imagine Harry, standing there, waiting at the end of the altar with a smile on his face. That smile…how could I leave that smile? He probably thinks that I’m just taking extra time to write my vows.

I want to puke, but I can’t even breathe. My chest, heavy.

Can’t breathe.

I pull at the back of my dress. Stuck. I pull harder at the zipper and I hear a sharp snap!

The bodice gives, and I can breathe again. Sort of.

I look down at my dress. At the mud. At the silver heels in my hand that’s supposed to be carrying a bouquet right now. That’s supposed to be walking down an aisle right now…

My Maid of Honor is probably talking to the bridesmaids. Or my mother….

My poor mother. What is she going to think? What is she going to say?

No, stop. Not right now.

Just focus on breathing.

Maybe if I curl up real small, no one will see me.

Maybe if I slap myself, this will all be some nightmare.

But my dress clings to my numb limbs and I can feel the sharp rain and I know even my worst nightmares are never this bad.

Rain is supposed to be good luck on your wedding day. It signifies a cleansing of two souls as they become one. It represents the last tear the bride will ever cry.

Bullshit. All of it.

What went wrong? Was it the wedding plans? Was it Harry? Was it me?

A gray void surrounds me. Hovering in the trees above me is a bright pair of eyes.

I can just barely make out the vague shape of an owl, staring down at me. Perched on a branch, the glowing eyes on his heart shaped face look straight into mine.

“I don’t know.” I tell the owl. The words spill out of my mouth and make a puddle at my feet. “I don’t know why I left. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.” I sob.

I just don’t know.

Do I go back? Do I say it was a mistake? Do I say that I had a moment of doubt and ran into the woods only to realize I’m making a huge fool of myself and that I’m sorry?

What do I say? What can I say?

I look at my hands, stained with makeup.

I can’t go back. Not like this.

Suddenly my heart clenches and I can’t breathe again. I am stricken with pain so sharp, I know my fiancé’s heart just broke.

And I sob. Harder.

He must be so embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed.

I look to the owl and he is judging me. I can feel it.

“Oh what do you know? Stupid owl. You have no idea what I’m going through right now. Stop…looking at me like that!”

It stays there, watching me. It hasn't moved. Weird, aren’t they supposed to be hiding? Why isn’t it hiding?

Why is it just here in the rain, staring at me?

“I’m lost. I-I walked out on my fiancé and I…I don’t know- "

The tears come faster now - faster than the rain.

“I still love him, you know. I do. I swear I do. I do. Oh god, I was supposed to say 'I do'."

The owl tilts it's head.

“What are you thinking? Do I look crazy to you? I feel like I’m going crazy…”

Maybe if I talk to this owl, it will help me. Maybe it is my Fairy Godmother in disguise.

“I ran…I just ran. I don’t know. –"

I think of the movies. I think of our dates. Our hands. His laughter.

“I don’t know what I want, anymore. I only know I don’t want…this.”

I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know which way I came.

I don’t know anything.

I look back up to the owl. Aren’t they supposed to be wise or something?

“Tell me what to do. Please.”

No response. Just eyes.

“You’re not going to tell me, are you? Of course not. You’re an owl. And I’m…”

Maybe if I squeeze every bit of my body close, I will shrink down into nothing.

“...I’m just a confused girl who ran out on her wedding day.”

When my teachers asked where I thought I’d see myself in 10 years, this was not it at all.

I'm standing in a dress in the rain, lost in the woods. Lost in myself.

Lost.

The owls' expression changes. I can't explain it, but it understands me.

I start to laugh. I'm a madwoman.

The Wicked Bride of the West.

“I’m crazy! I know. Believe me – I know. I’ve been told all my life that I’m…insane.”

I shield my eyes from the rain and study the owl. I watch it watch me.

“Burt. You look like a Burt. Can I call you that?”

Right now, my parents are probably crying. People are trying to call me, but they don’t know that my cellphone is in the trash, smashed to pieces.

“If I go back…nothing will ever be the same again. No matter what happens I will be the girl who ran out on her wedding day. The girl who threw away $10,000. I would be lucky if I can look at anyone in the face ever again. Especially Harry...”

I look down at my ring, and I think of Harry. Sweet, wonderful, amazing, mortified, heartbroken Harry...

“There’s nothing I can say that will make this better.”

Maybe if I pray hard enough, a miracle will happen.

I don’t know what to do. Do I go back? Do I tell the truth?

“The truth…the truth is that I can’t settle down. Not now.”

The owl tilts his head the other way. He continues to listen.

“I need time. Space. I need to know if there is a me beyond this relationship. I'm not ready to get married. I just regret not realizing it sooner.”

Maybe if I hide forever, no one will ever find me.

I blink, realizing I can open my eyes again. I can finally see again.

The rain....it stopped.

The owl begins to ruffles his feathers. Then, it starts to fly.

“Hey! Hey where are you going?”

I follow the owl - blindly - stumbling over my dress.

I don’t know where I'm going. I just run.

I trip, but I get back up and I keep running.

Burt keeps flying.

I don't know how long I run for. I push past a thicket of trees and then I hear it - the distant murmurs of people. I hear the faint sound of Harry calling my name.

My feet are blistered. My pedicure is destroyed. My ankle is twisted.

But I keep running. I don’t stop. Not even for a second. Not even to breathe.

Maybe I can keep running forever?

The church....I can make out its shape through the trees.

I finally reach a clearing and people see me.

To my surprise they don’t seem mad at all. They seem relieved.

I look around for Burt, but he’s gone.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell anyone. I don’t know what I’m going to say to Harry or my parents or my wedding planner. I don’t know anything.

Maybe that’s okay.

At least I’m out of the woods.