Twisted Tales for Toilet Time: Part III

The Twisted Tales for Toilet Time Series project of short stories is aimed to be a collection of ultra-short short stories that can be read in the average duration of a toilet visit. Most of which fall into the category of the absurd and have little, to no real plot significance.

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Supper in the dark

Once upon a time... In an enchanted forest a Princess was wandering through the woods near her castle. When she found herself in a meadow full of pretty flowers and a flowing stream, she decided to have a short nap in the soft grass as she was tired from walking.

Later she awoke to find that she was now in a dark cave and as she breathed she could see her breath in the cold air. There was a strange gurgling noise from somewhere in the dark.

“Hello dearie.” said a rasping voice.

As a slimy goblin appeared and began to move towards the princess. The goblin oozed toward the princess, licking his lips at the dinner it planned to make, the Princess heard the jingle of metallic objects in his hand and began to fear for the worst.

Just as the goblin arrived next to her she closed her eyes tight, the goblin rasped.

“This is going to be so much fun!”

She heard the metal objects being placed on the stone floor, she risked opening her eyes and saw the goblin placing a teaspoon in front of her.

“One lump or two dearie?” he asked with a smile, as he poured her a nice hot cup of tea.

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A Small Victory

Once upon a time... A distant land ruled by a kind king was set upon by creatures of fury. They ravaged the farms and the people, for thirty days until the king sent word of a challenge.

The creatures would send their greatest warrior and the king would send his bravest knight and they would battle for rule of the land.

The day of the duel came and the king could still not find a suitable knight to represent the kingdom and its people.

When the warrior from the creatures army stepped into the battlefield with their jagged battle-axe and teeth bared ready to tear flesh, it stopped in its tracks when a small child stepped out from the other side holding a long narrow sword and shield, nearly as big as himself, they also carried a sling by their side.

As the creature of fear began to run towards the brave boy, screaming in a horrible language known only to the creatures. The boy bravely stood his ground, placed a smooth stone from the ground into his sling, and began to swing it around building up speed, ready to release with extreme accuracy.

The battle was swift and brutal, the victor walking away carrying a long narrow sword and a shield, both unused, they also carried away a battle-axe, and a small sling, with a smooth stone still held in it.

The creature of fear walked back to his army, whistling a dark tune of victory as he went...

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Preston the Gnome

Once upon a time... There was a Gnome named Preston. He was an ordinary Gnome in most regards, he wore a pointed hat of red cloth, had a bright red nose, and like most Gnomes, Preston loved to spend time in people’s gardens, helping things grow and taking care of nature.

One night, Preston was spending some time caring for a bed of roses that belonged to a local villager. Now of course, most humans did not believe in Gnomes, Fairies, and such things. Gnomes usually do their best gardening in the night time, when there is less chance of being undisturbed.

The villager whose garden it was that Preston was tending, was one of the few that believed and understood about Fairy folk and Gnomes. So she always left out a small plate with some bread, cheese, and sometimes some cured meat, as a thank you to any Gnomes or fairies that helped her garden along.

Now this night that Preston cared for the rose bed, possibly on a Thursday, though you will have to check with a Gnoman calendar to be sure. Preston awoke shortly after sunset, made himself a cup of his favourite tea, and some toast with homemade raspberry jam, and sat on a small bench just outside the tree stump that was his little home.

When along came Mr. Spider, who lived in his webs above Preston’s home.

“Good night, Preston. I trust you slept well after your gardening yesterday.” Said Mr Spider with a sequence of eight cheery waves hello.

“Good night, Mr Spider. How are you this fine evening?” Answered Preston, You must remember that to Gnomes and other fairy folk, the night is their day.

“Good, good.” Said Mr Spider, “I was hoping to see you this evening before you left for the garden. Bit of sad news I’m afraid, the kind woman who lives in the cottage where you garden is gone.”

“Oh, dear, where did she go? Will she be back? I do so ever like the midnight snacks she leaves out for me.” Exclaimed Preston.

“I’m not sure, Mrs Rabbit told me before she went to bed, she saw the woman being taken away by a giant creature with round feet, with two flashing eyes, one like water, and the other like fire. The animal made a terrible noise the whole time, and apparently two other humans fed the woman to it on a long plate, before being eaten themselves, then it left, screaming the whole time.

“That’s awful, thanks for letting me know.” Said Preston as Mr Spider weaved a web away into the night, no doubt to look for tasty bugs for his own breakfast.

Preston busily tended to the roses in the garden throughout the night, by the time he was done, he was starving as he had become quite used to the food left by the woman who lived there.

The trips to the old woman’s garden became less frequent, and then one day when Preston went to check on the garden, it was all gone! Not just the rose bed, and the apple tree, and the garden Preston had put so much time into, but the cottage was gone too! You see, with the old lady gone, the property was sold. However, worse than that, is that it meant one fewer person in the world that believes in Gnomes and fairy folk.

There were no other available gardens to care for in the area, they were all being taken care of by other Gnomes in the area. So Preston had nothing to do, a terrible situation for a Gnome as you will see.

One night, Preston awoke to find his foot felt extremely heavy, like it had gone to sleep. When he looked down at it, it had turned to stone! Preston had heard the rumours and stories, all Gnomes had grown up hearing tales of this, but most thought it was a ghost story to make young Gnomes do their chores. Without a garden to care for, Gnomes turn to stone!

Preston, quickly packed a few essential items into a blanket and tied it into a bindle, that is a wrapped cloth tied into a bundle, through a stick.

With the stick over his shoulder he left his house in search of a new garden, Preston hobbled for days, each morning the transformation becoming more severe until one night, Preston moved no more.

So if you ever find a statue of a garden gnome, locked in a position of travel with a bindle over one shoulder. Put it in your garden, leave some food, and believe in the little magic still in the world. You might just find your garden improving and your garden Gnome not where you left it…