True Love

I lay in a field of Marigolds, I hear my mother singing like she did before she left.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

I miss her voice and the way she would calm me down after I was acting “dramatic”. As, if. I could always get her to smile and I loved to bake with her. She loved baking and she would always try to find new and interesting recipes. She even found something called, “Depression Cake”. She said it came about during the actual Depression-era. I was on the fence about it at first but we had to make another one that night. Granted, we paid for it the next day, stomach aches and the like, but we loved it and shared it with the family.

Those days were the best I have in memory. Listening to her make-up words to songs while she cooked or baked. “I like BIG THIGHS and I cannot lie. Batter them up and then fry.” I would yell at her when I was younger, “MOMMY STOP!” We would then laugh and laugh. Laying in this field really is dreamy to me. I can’t stop thinking about her and what was before things went bad.

Christmas, she would make a huge deal over everyone. She even made sure all the kids, from her brothers, all had the same amount of presents. “This is so no one feels left out. That would be sad.” She would always clap and cheer for the little kids as they opened their gifts. Dad would always tease her about who enjoyed opening the presents more, her or the kids.

Halloween was even worse. This was by far, her most favorite holiday on earth. She would watch nothing but scary movies, TV shows, or even documentaries. Anything scary that came out, she had to watch. I would always scare her during October and she was so jumpy, she would jump even if she saw us coming. She chased me around the house on numerous occasions because I asked a question and she did not know I was there.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away

I just lay there, feeling the sun on me and the wind blowing over my body. Dreaming of those times and missing her so much. At least the memories I have of HER are good ones. I guess I can’t blame her though, she was doing the best she could. Why, though? Why would she let it go on for so long. “WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STOP HIM!!” I continue to scream until I need to breathe again and then I lied back down on the ground. The sky seems to be changing again. I feel the sunlight less and less on my skin.

I shiver and wonder where this cold weather is coming from and then the sky lights up. I can feel the electricity in the air as it lights up again, brighter this time. I close my eyes and I stop feeling the wind. I freeze for a moment and just listen to what might be around me. I hear faint footsteps behind what seems like a wall. They seem slow and steady. Getting louder and louder.

I open my eyes and I cover my mouth. How? Please, no. Please, God, please no. How the fuck did I end up in the room I lived in with my father? Nononononononono--

I hear the handle to my door jiggle and I sit there, petrified about what is about to come through that door tonight. This is the last thing I never wanted to think about. EVER. What do I do? Where do I go? I can’t do anything to him. I am just a kid. I can’t possibly do any damage to him to escape. I hear the handle turn and click. Oh, God. Please no.

“There’s my little piggy. I just got home and wanted to say goodnight. Don’t stay up too late baby. We have a big day tomorrow.” What? What did I just hear?

“Hey, baby. Do as your dad says. Huge day tomorrow. Big kisses and get some rest.” What!? What is mom doing here? She was never in this house. How…….what is going on here?

I just say Ok and sit there, like I was frozen in time. Did my mind just snap? Did I die from sleepwalking while having these stupid fucking nightmares? What is going on here? I finally get the nerve to move and I swing my legs over the side of the bed and sit up. Just sitting there, watching the door. Praying this wasn’t going to be something worse. I stand up and stumble over to the door. I hear the TV on downstairs and I hear them talking but I can’t make out what they are saying. I slowly open my door and try to quietly walk down to where I can hear them better.

“I can’t wait to see the look on her face tomorrow. I can’t believe she didn’t figure out all of the hints for DisneyWorld.” I hear them chuckle and aww over my cuteness in this matter. I tear up and my mind races, trying to figure out when this event took place. I don’t remember this at all. Did this happen and I chose to get rid of that happy memory over the shitty ones it now uses on me daily?

I take a huge chance and run around the corner asking for a glass of water. My father just gets up and my mom jumps ten feet in the air, screaming and scaring the dog. What? When did we have that dog? My dad comes over, laughing at my mom being dramatic, and scoops me up in his arms. We head to the kitchen and I whisper to him, “Are we really going to DisneyWorld tomorrow?” He chuckles softly and whispers back, “Did you really come out for water, or were you spying on us again?” He kisses my forehead and puts me down and gets me some water. “Back to bed, baby. We have a huge day tomorrow. Now, peel your mom off the ceiling and tell her goodnight again.” He smiles and kisses me again.

I turn around and head back towards my mom, who is still on edge for some reason. “I love you, mom. I will see you in the morning.” She blows me a kiss and threatens to disown me if I do that again and that she loves me bunches. I feel at ease and calm for once, like nothing bad happened. But it did happen. It did, I swear it did. I head to my bed and collapse into it, exhausted.

I wake up to a sound in the hallway. I scramble out of bed and run to the door and swing it open. What is that noise? It sounds like my mom “dissecting” meat. It’s too late for that though. I walk slowly towards the sound. It sounds like it is in the living room. I turn the corner and I freeze instantly. There, on the floor are my…...mom and dad. Parts spread across the room. The smell of metal and stickiness fills my nose. I can’t scream or move for some reason. I am just standing there and these…..these images of them blast through my mind. My eyes well up with tears and they stream down my face. I hear a faint noise coming up behind me. Is…..is that singing?

I'll always love you and make you happy, if you will only say the same. but if you leave me and love another, you'll regret it all someday. I feel its hands on my shoulder as I shudder and whimper. Hello, little piggy. Miss me? He chuckles in my ear and I close my eyes again. Hoping beyond hope that I change again. Anything is better than this again. Do you really think you can get away from me that easily? I’ve been hunting you for a long time, piggy. You are almost mine. Can you feel it? Can you taste it? I can. He steps away a little bit. Open those ugly eyes and see that you cannot change this one. Not this time. This time, it is you and I. Alone. At last.

I hear where its voice is coming from and I muster the courage to sprint in the opposite direction. Opening my eyes, I do notice that the front door is shut. Hopefully, they didn’t lock it. I sprint over to it and try to open it. It swings open and I step outside. I am running so fast and looking back that I just slam into something. Please, don’t let it be that thing. Please.

“Baby? What is going on? Are you ok?” I smell him before I hear him and I know I am safe. Finally, this dream, or whatever the fuck this is, can end. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes. I feel safe in these arms. He picks me up with ease and carries me back into the house. He lays me down on the couch and tells me to just relax and lay down. He would be back in in a few minutes. I smile at him and just lay back, close my eyes and I hear singing again.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away. Sleep tight, little piggy. We will talk later. I drift off to sleep….