True Beauty is Outwardly Created from Within

Every time Tabitha tried to in some way connect with those outside of herself, the distance and disconnect seemed to become greater. She had become so frustrated with this duality within herself. She seemed to push people away as she tried to draw closer to them. This innate desire that she felt to belong, seemed to consistently lead her to rejection.

She felt this deep inner-turmoil. For years she had tried to find stability within self. All she wanted was for those around her to like her. This inner chaos which had been created first outside of herself had gradually seeped within, to the point that it had poisoned her mind, body, and soul. It was like this inner demon was kicking and screaming from within, trying to escape. She had come to terms with this thought that perhaps she wasn’t meant to have friends.

In her mind she dreamed that she had perhaps reincarnated on earth from some sort of alien race. She felt quite conflicted and confused by the chaos and culture that surrounded her that seemed somewhat foreign to her being. It felt like whenever she made connections she was walking on eggshells and like she needed to become something that she was not.

She had tried in the past to adjust, but it never seemed to work out. She would always reach a point where she could no longer handle the push and pull within herself. Once Tabitha reached that point, she had no choice but to allow things to fall around her, so that everything could readjust back to the way that it should be. There was a subconscious feeling that everything that she touched was somehow destined to fail.

Tabitha looked back at the trail of destruction that she had left with some grief but didn’t know how she could have done anything differently. At the same time, she had no regrets, as she could clearly see she had learned some invaluable lessons from her journey. She became confused and conflicted by the fact that no matter what she did, she felt she would never belong into this community. They seemed to want her to continually adjust. She could clearly see that the adjustments they required of her would continue to tear her away from her own rawness and authenticity.

Was it her purpose to walk amongst those who she had just recently deemed to be the living dead, who seemed to metaphorically feed on her energy, and play havoc with both her logic and her emotions?

It made no sense that she was born into a part of society where she had no choice but to divert to survival tactics. Walking amongst these beings seemed to stifle her very existence, and so stifled her true and authentic self – and created a sort of chaos within. She often felt this strong desire to fit within a system where she simply did not fit, but she didn’t understand how she could do so without abandoning herself and her own authenticity. She was a deep thinker and had spent a great amount of her life pondering on deep and existential questions.

Was she perhaps an alien? Or maybe those who surrounded her were the aliens, making her the “normal” one. Who knows? She concluded some time ago that she was probably the alien, as she could not easily co-exist amongst those she had already encountered. Had Tabitha met enough people that she could come to such a conclusion?

She became somewhat angry and confused that people continued to show her that she was required to be the follower and expected to live selflessly and as a martyr amongst those who surrounded her. It felt like this was the only way she could find acceptance outside of herself. But then she started to realise that this way of being was creating more and more chaos within her. How does one find fulfilment amongst a world full of people who expected her to be something she was not?

She felt this strong desire to somewhat disappear into herself and create her own little existence. Tabitha became very grateful for her room. Despite others describing it as small and claustrophobic, it allowed her the space she needed.

Her parents had encouraged her to convert the study into a room when they moved in, so that her brothers and sisters could all have their own room. Their rooms were much larger than hers, but she didn’t really care. Even though it was small, she was grateful for her own little space to dream and create from. She was grateful for the opportunity to shut herself out from the world and disappear into a place where nobody else could touch.

In the house before this, Tabitha would share her space with her sister, Jasmine. It felt like she was forever adjusting to fit in with whatever her sister wanted. The only way Tabitha escaped in the last house was to completely block everything out. She had become extremely good at unintentionally blocking out the noise of the world, which caused for her to become even more distant from a family that already did not seem to even try to understand her.

She observed as others tried to teach her how she was to be, and it felt like she was required to constantly adjust to meet their needs, in the hope to perhaps one day fit in to a society she did not seem to belong.

Tabitha found amusement when she looked up the definition of the word normal, and she realised that to be normal was to simply conform to the expectations of those around her. It was to try and fit into a societal construct in which she did not seem to belong. To be normal would be to abandon herself to meet the expectations of those around her.

Tabitha realised that if she was to continue to move towards this strong desire to be accepted by those outside of herself, she would first need to reject this even stronger pull to be authentic, that came from within. She became somewhat conflicted in this need to set aside her dreams, authenticity, and creations to find some sense of belonging.

Having to continually adjust with a view to belong failed to make any sort of sense to her. Were others perhaps in some way envious of her creativity, to the point that they would only accept her if she was to make herself small and dim that light within?

She had recognised the tiny little room within their new home as a blessing in disguise.

She created this friendship with a barn owl who would often sit silently on a tree branch outside of her bedroom window. Although they did not speak, she could see her world through this newly established friendship.

Her owl friend encouraged her to not let go of her authenticity. Through him she had finally started to find love within herself. She could see that he went it alone, much like herself – but that he had found peace and sanctuary within himself and lived in the present moment. His dancing eyes told a story of love, peace, and harmony. He had found contentment in simply being at one with the earth and with himself, despite spending his days and nights on his own.

Because of Tabitha’s newly found friend she started to observe the behaviours of both herself and of those around her and started to see that she was simply trying to fit within everybody else’s story.

As she observed the motivation behind other people’s behaviours, she started to realise that the foundations of those who looked outside of themselves for happiness and fulfilment were built on shaky ground. For if that person they had formed a relationship with was to reject them, their foundation had the potential to crumble. But if they built that foundation from within, they built this foundation on solid ground.

And so began Tabitha’s journey to build a more stable foundation within herself.

She started to recognise that she was attempting to fit within a construct that had been created outside of herself, by those who hadn’t take the time to get to know who she was at her very core. Through an innate desire to feel accepted, she had continually reached outside of herself towards this societal construct that clipped her wings and put her in some sort of cage.

From thereon whenever Tabitha tried to fit in for the sake of fitting in, she started to call herself out on it. Through habit she would feel this deep desire to adjust, but her thoughts would go back to her new friend, the barn owl.

Every evening the owl would sit for a time on that branch outside her window, perhaps not realising the strength of his presence within her life. Deep down she hoped he would never leave. She came to the realisation that even if he did, she had already gained the necessary strength and wisdom that was needed to live her life without the limitations of her past. She could not unsee what she had already seen, and so she knew that no matter what, she was on a new and very exciting journey. Through his simple presence in her life, he had become her symbol of self-love, freedom, wisdom, and transformation within.

He carried her forward on her journey. The words and actions of those outside of herself no longer mattered. As she continued to be rejected, she found a peace in knowing that a word is but a word, and an action is but an action. She realised that these words and actions only existed within herself so long as she allowed them to penetrate her being.

She appreciated the presence of the owl that she had met in her bedroom, and deeply admired his very being – so much so that she started to take on his very essence. It was like she built up an armour within herself that encapsulated the very being of her owl friend that could not be penetrated by those outside of herself.

As she went about her days and weeks and months she observed as those around her continued to try and manipulate situations with a view that they might somehow penetrate Tabitha’s very being. They called her selfish and all sorts of other not so nice things in the hope that she might crack and go back to how she used to be. It became obvious that those surrounding her didn’t appreciate how she had changed.

As those who were around Tabitha started to realise that their efforts were having little to no effect on her, they began to back off. They realised there was no point.

Tabitha continued to become more and more comfortable within her skin and allowed every situation to simply play out as it will.

People who had known Tabitha for years started to see her as a leader, whereas before she had this deep wound that meant she felt unseen and unheard. She had previously felt that to be accepted amongst the chaos, she must become a follower – which meant that she was continually abandoning who she was at her very core.

When Tabitha had first attended her new School, she felt like a nobody. It was like she was wearing this cloak of invisibility. As she started to find this awareness within herself this cloak of invisibility started to wear thin. It was like people started to see through the veil and could see her inner beauty.

As she started to feel more and more confident in her skin, her friendship group and following expanded out wider and wider. Because she had accepted herself for who she was at her very core, the harsh words that were inevitably spoken by others failed to hold any weight. If they managed to somehow knock her off her perch she would simply get up, brush herself off and continue on with her day. She started appreciating those lessons. She realised that the lessons not only strengthened her very being, but that by welcoming them into her life, she also welcomed the great wisdom that was on offer through these lessons.

People who came into contact with Tabitha started to truly appreciate her presence, in the same way as she appreciated the presence of the owl outside of her window. Her authenticity shone so brightly in a world where authenticity was so rare. Others started to observe as Tabitha would go about her day. She had now become the symbol of self-love, freedom, wisdom, and transformation; much like her owl friend.

The darkness that those around her felt within their very being began to subside, as they unlocked their true innate beauty.

They started to walk with that same beauty that Tabitha now embodied and shone a light outside of themselves for everyone to see. They broke old patterns that had once caused them much heartbreak.

This gift that was provided to Tabitha through the presence of this one barn owl became a gift to so many people. The owl became a symbol of her transformation. It signified that moment where Tabitha shifted from living unconsciously through others, to living consciously from within. It signified the healing of many; for her own transformation ended up creating a ripple effect. As those around her realised their own beauty, they then shone their light for those around them to see – and so on and so forth.

Tabitha would have never found peace, happiness, and fulfilment if she had continued to attach her worth to the fact that she had been offered the smallest room in the house, or if she had focused on the feeling that she was an alien in a world where she did not belong.

Instead of being held back by the thoughts and emotions that she could not and would not ever belong, Tabitha chose to spread her wings and created a new and amazing life for herself.

Even though a couple of years later she left home and expanded herself out further and further, she always remembered her friend the barn owl. She was grateful she had been so open to the unspoken message that was offered through this beautiful friend. It turned out that the peace and acceptance of her true and authentic self was the key to unlocking all sorts of possibilities.