Today's Special

“Would you like to hear about our two specials this evening?”

“Yes please,” said Unice in her raspy, but seductive, voice. She lowered the menu away from her face, adjusted her little round glasses, and smiled at the charming young waiter.

“The first is an exotic adventure, our island spiced shrimp and pork belly kabob with charred pineapple and cherry peppers over a bed of teriyaki sticky rice, sweet potatoes, and steamed kale.

‘The second is a patriotic powerhouse, the stars and stripes burger, a half-pound all-American prime beef patty seared to perfection with America cheese, tomato, lettuce, smoked bacon, an onion ring, more American cheese, BBQ sauce, and a side of ranch for dipping an extra large helping of freedom fries, steak style.”

“Oh, charming young waiter, I think tonight I might try...,” and Unice put her finger to her chin and contemplated.

“I would like to try the exotic adventure.”

“I would like to try the patriotic powerhouse.”

“Very good ma’am, I’ll have that right out for you.”

The shrimp and pork belly were delicious. It was one of the best meals she had had in a long time, she ate it slowly to savor it. The pineapple was perfectly charred and the rice was exceptionally sticky. Unice wrapped a little rice around the last piece of shrimp and put it in her mouth. She chewed, she chewed, and she swall… oh. Uh oh. Unice tried to swallow, and she tried to swallow, and her vision faded. Unice was choking.

“I should have worn more toe socks,” was the last thought that went through Unice’s mind before she died and her soul was thrust to hell.

The patriotic powerhouse was delightful. It was one of the best burgers she had had in a long time, she ate it slowly to savor it. The cheese was extra melty and the bacon was incredibly American. Unice picked up the last bite of burger with her fingers, dipped it in ranch, and put it in her mouth. She chewed, she chewed, and she swall… oh. Uh oh. Unice tried to swallow, and she tried to swallow, and her vision faded. Unice was choking.

“I should’ve told her the baby was ugly,” was the last thought that went through Unice’s mind before she died and her soul floated to heaven.

A blue glowing orb that resembled an orgy of wingdings with eyes was at the cloud ensconced golden gates to greet Unice.

“Welcome to heaven, Unice. I’m your guiding angel here to guide you through the hallways of heaven and lead you to your ultimate destiny, your glorious reward, your eternal gifts from our many and true god, her glory behold, please stay within the yellow lines and do not exit the path. You must follow your guide at all times and no flash photography.”

“Can I ask what it was that got me into heaven?” asked Unice.

“Welcome to hell, Unice. I’m your personally assigned artificial intelligence device here to punish you through the labyrinth of hell and lead you to your ultimate punishment, your inglorious sin, your eternal torment from the one and only ruler, its glory behold, please tell me how many bicycles you see in this hallway. Check any boxes with stoplights. Check this box to confirm that you were previously human before your ultimate demise.”

A very creepy gentleman in a dirty robe was waiting at near a pit of bubbling sulfur greet Unice.

“Can I ask what it was that got me into hell?” asked Unice.

“Do you really have to ask,” said the blue glowing orb.

“Do you really have to ask,” said the very creepy gentleman.

Unice nodded her head and gave a half smile and shrug, “I know exactly why I’m here.”

The very creepy gentleman loosened his robe a little and directed Unice down a red-lit twisting and turning hallway with vertigo-inducing carpet. She swayed as she walked. The very creepy gentleman pointed through various shaped broken windows as they walked the long hallway.

“This is where people who drove slowly in the left lane are sent to perpetually wait in line at the DMV. Over here is where we send people who walk down the center of the aisle at the grocery store; they have to clean out a cat litter box that fills up every time they comfortably sit down. This is the hot buffet with all you can eat lobster and prime rib. Did you bring your buffet coupon? No coupon, no food.”

Unice checked her pockets, and a little moth flew out.

The very creepy gentleman pointed at an infinite line of hungry looking people who were holding out empty pockets, “no worries, the line is kind of long. That’s where we put the excessively greedy. You’re down this way in room 7:06. You don’t seem like a 7:06 kind of gal, more like a… hmmm… 6:59, maybe?”

The very creepy gentleman looked her up and down, pausing briefly at her breasts and feet.

“Maybe. Let’s get back to the tour. This room has papercuts, this room forces you to order a pizza by phone for 17 guests, this room is a 24hr networking event with your boss and cousin Cheryl, and this room is… where are your clothes?”

Unice covered her tits and cooch as she found herself in her fanciest lace underwear while a classroom full of children pointed and laughed at her.

“This room is where you relive your childhood nightmares. Alright, here we are, room 7:06. This is my last stop, you have to enter and meet the devil alone.”

The blue glowing orb led Unice through a thick fog of cloud and they appeared within the boundaries of the most beautiful park she had ever seen. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. There were food vendors are the right intervals. There were no children in sight.

“Don’t be too disappointed,” said the blue glowing orb, “this is just the lobby. Your personalized experience of glory lay ahead in building 3:33. Your heavenly reward is tailored specific to your desires as you lived on earth. No substitutions, no exchanges. You may notice a smell of new paperback in the air here. That’s a very popular scent at the moment.”

Unice turned to see a scent diffuser spray directly into her face.

“Well that smells exactly like…” Unice started.

“Naomi Alderman’s 2016 novel The Power, to be precise, yes it is,” said the blue glowing orb.

The orb guided Unice through fancy steam spas where they put cucumbers on your eyes, living room libraries on rainy days, and that feeling you get after a really good sneeze.

“Many people spend their millennia focused in deep meditation. They prefer to be one with the universe with an existence that is pure energetic happiness. They have no need nor want. They exist as beings of pure sentient beauty. If you are into that kind of thing, anyway. Here we are, your final destination. You must meet her mighty intelligence on your own, I cannot proceed any further. Good luck, mighty Unice.”

“Welcome,” growled the devil, “I am here to deliver your final punishment. It’s been decided that you, Unice Rhubarbra Forrel will suffer...”

“Welcome,” chanted her mighty intelligence, “I am here to deliver your final reward. It’s been decided that you, Unice Rhubarbra Forrel will have the pleasure of...”

“Reincarnation.”

The devil continued, “you will be reincarnated with childhood traumas, teenage traumas, adult traumas. You will feel constantly anxious, out of place, you will feel lonely. You will get physical ailments at regular intervals. You’ll develop a serious case of imposter syndrome. You’ll meet toxic people and you will make bad decisions. You will burn bridges. You will disappoint.”

Her mighty intelligence continued, “you will be reincarnated to a family that loves you, friends that love you, and a community that loves you. You will find hobbies and joys. You will care about animals and people. You will feel lucky. You will find your happiness and you will spread it wherever you go.”

“And your name will be...,” said the Devil.

“And your name will be...,” said her mighty intelligence.

“Amos Glade.”