To Be Judged

The air was warm, almost as though the summer sun was bathing me in its warmth. There was no one else around with me, I alone stood in this clearing in the woods of a strange and empty forest. My head swam as I looked around but only made notice of the almost moonlight quality that filled the air. I was confused and I brought a hand up to the side of my head as I tried to figure out what it was that was going one here.

“You shall be judged, Silas Black,” a voice spoke suddenly, and I turned in a circle as my heart took off in my chest.

“Judged? What do you mean judged? By who?!” I called into the open as something took form in front of me.

“First, by the person who you were cruelest to in life.”

A swirling mass of fog spun around me as it condensed until it took the form of a woman I knew all too well. Her tan complexion offset her pure black hair, and her eyes were almost golden in color. She was tall, with that same bright smile that I had always remembered. My knees trembled as tears filled my eyes.

“Mom?”

“Hello my son,” her voice was still so sweet, like music.

“I, I don’t understand,” I whispered as she stepped over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“When you were a young man, you once told me that you hated me. That no matter what I did, or didn’t do, you would never love me as much as you loved your father. You didn’t know it at the time, but that simple sentence broke my heart. You were so caring to everyone that you knew, that for you to tell me that: it shattered me. I cried every night for a month when you weren’t home,” her eyes were filled with tears and I felt sick to my stomach.

Even now, I remembered that night. I was 17, much too old to even think to say something so cruel to my own mother, but I did: knowing full well that it would hurt her.

Before I could even open my mouth to begin apologizing, my mother faded into mist once more. Dropping to my knees, I wondered if I could vomit in the afterlife, but I knew that this was not an option. I could at least make some idea of what was going on: I was being judged for what I had done in life by whoever this entity deemed worthy enough to judge me I assumed.

“Second, by the person you were kindest to in life,” the voice spoke once more as more mist coiled in front of me.

No! I don’t want to see any more! I thought silently as I closed my eyes tightly and could see nothing but darkness.

“Open your eyes Silas, now,” my eyes obeyed the command and once again I looked upon the woman I had hurt most in life. The sheer shock of it made me stumble and I fell back on my haunches as I could only look up at her.

“How...?” I whispered as she laughed at me this time and shook her head in mock disapproval.

“I bet that you weren’t expecting to see me again were you?” my mother smiled warmly at me as she helped me to my feet.

“It’s true Silas, you were cruel to me at times. But that is nothing in comparison to all the good that you did for me. I remember when you were seven, and were still living on the island and you decided to pick me flowers. They were Cristos Sangrando, and you brought me home at least a dozen. At the time, we didn’t know about your allergies but we had to take you to the ER that day before your eyes fell out of your head. That night, you insisted on making me dinner, and it was so so bad. It was the best meal I had ever eaten. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.”

My mind tried to make rational sense of her story, I couldn’t remember it but I could tell it had happened based off of the sincerity in her voice. Had I really made my mother so happy? Part of me thought that it was a lie, that there was no way someone as terrible as me could have made her so happy.

Before I could say anything however, she turned to fog once more and the voice offered no reprieve as it spoke.

“Third, by a person who was once saved by your actions.”

Saved? I’ve never saved anyone before I thought silently but I continued to look off into the white void. The fog coalesced into a solid mass. He was stocky, built like a bear. His beard was neat and tidy, and his brown hair was pulled into a small tail. There was a melancholy smile on his face as he looked at me and his grey eyes were filled with light. I knew who this man was, he was a very close friend of mine: Matthew.

“It was New Years, and my girlfriend had just broken up with me. I was distraught, so much so that I drove my car to the boardwalk and stood on the edge of the pier: ready to end it all. And that’s when you called me. It was always weird for you to call me, you only did it when something was really wrong. But you said that you had a feeling that I was upset. I remember laughing, that this was some kind of sixth sense you had to know that I was going to kill myself. But I didn’t. You talked me off of that ledge Silas, and you’ll never know how much that meant to me.”

As all the others before him, Matthew faded into nothing and I placed a hand over my chest. How could I have forgotten? New Years, three years ago. I remembered that night talking to him: I didn’t hang up until I was sure he was home.

“Finally, by the person whose life you took” the voice echoed around me and I furrowed my eyebrows: I knew that I hadn’t killed anyone. Well no one except…

The fog came together one final time, and my eyes went wide at the person who stood before me. His eyes had dark bags beneath them, as though he hadn’t slept in days. His skin like teakwood was raked in scars: some small and shallow, others longer and deeper. He had black hair, and there was a massive black bruise that coiled around his neck.

This person was much more familiar and somehow; infinitely more terrifying.

I tried to look away but my body wouldn’t allow me to move, I only stood there crying as I looked upon myself. There was sadness in his smile as he rubbed the back of his head.

“This is probably pretty rough for you,” his lips were pursed as I could only croak in response. “You’ve always been so hard on yourself, you know that Silas? Isn’t it time you get a little peace too?”

“I don’t deserve it,” I whispered softly and the reflection of me chuckled lightly.

“Everyone does. The world is complicated and terrifying and everyone knows their own pain. You lived your life consumed by yours, more than equal penance for your mistakes. You’ve heard what the others had to say, and I know that you spent your whole life blaming yourself for what happened between you and Laia. It wasn’t your fault Silas, none of it was. She used you for her own gain,” my reflection rubbed his neck with one hand almost absentmindedly; that marking: the reason that I was here now.

In life, Laia was the woman that I had loved more than I ever would have thought possible. It astounded me the lengths that I went to for her, and it shattered my heart when she told me that she hated me; that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. I had spent years wondering what I had done, where I had gone wrong but in the end I could never find an answer. Looking back up at my reflection, he gave me a sad smile, one that spoke volumes of the silent pain that consumed me for my entire life. The smile on his face was the one that I would wear as a mask: something to make sure that the people I knew wouldn’t worry about me so that they wouldn’t ask me too many questions. I wasn’t deserving of their worry, and standing here in whatever purgatory world this was I wondered how they were feeling. Shaking my head, I looked up at my reflection as he nodded to me and spoke once more.

“You were never a bad man Silas. I only wished that I could’ve shown you that earlier. But, I digress. Let’s not do this-- you’ve spent long enough convincing yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy. It’s time to rest now, Silas. Be at peace.”

My reflection held out a firm hand and smiled warmly at me.

Stepping forward, I took it.