Thumb Sucker

You might be surprised to find out I used to have pretty good looking arms that reached high and could do all the usual things. It was amazing and I miss those days quite often. Now I've found some perks from the arms I have, so it's not all that terrible anymore. This is the story of how I got such fascinating arms.

My little gray car and I love road trips! For several years after my divorce, we would travel a month long route from Washington through Oregon and Idaho, then on to Utah and Wyoming, and then all the way back again. Around that time, I started calling myself a wanderer, listener, and storyteller. My little gray car and I stopped and visited family and friends all along the way. We would gather up stories and ideas here and there and then on the long drive, the ideas would sort of grow and merge into each other. It was fascinating to watch and at the next stop, I'd find a gig or a friend to tell the new versions of the stories to. They would tell us something they'd been thinking about and the whole process would move right along with us driving along letting that latest thought fester and ferment and percolate. Every so often, we'd be too far out to get to a friend's house or I'd want more time to myself or otherwise get tired of driving. As soon as a convenient and interesting place appeared, we would pull over and take a break or even sleep for a while.

One evening, after a very long day of driving, we decided to stop for the night around sunset. We chose a place along a river in Oregon. We parked with the sun going down behind us. In front of us were these tall amazing waterfalls which supplied a wonderful chorus of white noise to snooze to through the night. As the sun went down behind us, shadows rose slowly up the waterfall in front of us. I had never caught the moment like that before. It was beautiful.

Just before the shadow and night darkened the whole view, I noticed a cave near the top right behind the waterfall! Again, I had never seen a place so fascinating! I had nothing planned for the morning, so I decided I would go see what was in that cave in the morning. While there was still light, I could even pick out a likely trail up to the cave. Soon enough it was dark and time to sleep. I leaned back my seat, arranged the blankets, and finally fell asleep. It was hard! Like a kid on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t wait for my big adventure in the morning.

This is where the story gets strange. In the darkest part of the night I awoke with a start. The car door was open and I felt like I was freezing, even though it was a hot summer night. My groggy brain shot adrenaline throughout my body when my eyes adjusted and I could see the woman who had opened my car door. That wasn’t even the strangest part. There was just enough light to see another person already next to me in the car.

"Hurry up!" the woman outside whispered, "I think he's awake! Bite his neck!"

My neck? Who would want to bite my neck? Suddenly I realized they were vampires! Vampires! Clearly I didn’t have to hike up to the cave now! I knew exactly what was living in there.

"Naw! Not his neck.. I'm not like that, bro!" said the vampire next to me.

"Are you kidding? You're not making out! You're eating him! Hurry up! He's definitely awake now!"

The vampire in the car with me looked at me surprised and a little worried. He crept right over me, stared me right in the eye and started humming in a weirdly calming way. I was scared, but found my body relaxing into his rhythms. As scared as I was, I just couldn’t seem to move a muscle!

He smiled, baring his fangs, and then grabbed my hands. My hands? He pulled my hands to his mouth and started sucking on my thumbs! I watched in horror as my hands shrank before my eyes. Then my arms began shrinking, too!

I still couldn’t move.

His friend shouted at him now, "What are you doing? That's not how I taught you!"

He ignored her as long as he could. He was really getting into his feeding. I guess I had great tasting blood. He got so caught up in the taste that he closed his eyes. I knew I had a chance. I could feel a bit of energy return. He had lost his control over my mind and yet I lay still until just the right moment.. then I punched him!

Well.. by that time, my hands and arms had shrunken so much that it wasn’t really a punch. It was more of what I now call a Mitch-slap! It didn't hurt him at all. It did make him start to sneeze. Everything felt like slow motion. It was all just a single moment.

I slapped him and tried to crawl out of the car with my now tiny arms. All I did was roll into his friend trying to keep me from escaping. Suddenly, his sneeze built all the way up and his head shot forward. As he sneezed, I rolled over, and his fangs punctured my butt. I reflexively screamed and farted. His sneeze powerfully blew all that blood right back into my butt.

"Urp! Urgh!" the vampire started to gag, "Oh gross! I bit his butt! He farted right in my mouth! ew! ew! ew!"

"Just finish him off!" said his friend. "Look at him! He can't fight back now!"

"Urgh!" gagged the vampire again, "No way! I've lost my appetite! I'm out of here."

With a flutter, they both turned into bats and flew off. I was left in the dark with just the roar of the waterfall. What just happened? Surely it was a dream, right? I passed out. When I woke up, it turned out it was all too real. I really was doomed with these small weak arms and this big ol’ butt! Well.. that’s one version at least..

How did you get your best feature?