Through the Absolute

Shadows bathed Joel as he slept on the faded red leather. Two seats made a perfect bed for one such as him. Joel blinked a few times, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness; with the curtains drawn, there wasn’t a stitch of light within the train’s cabin. There was scarcely a vibration that made it past the soundproofing, but the constant feel of motion continued. In the room, separated from all else, Joel was in a world of his own, his dreams reminding him of times long lost.

As Joel rubbed his eyes again, he sighed. From his eyes, he massaged the bridge of his nose. How had he got here? Joel remembered leaving the office, but he wasn’t planning to visit Cynthia until next week when the courts allowed him to. He woke up on the train in a daze after a hard day at work. That’s all this was. He forced himself to release his grip on his nose with a deep, specific breath.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven,” Each number came with a sharp inhale and a forceful breath out, “Six, five, four, three… There we go.”

Joel stretched and yawned as he once again tried, in vain, to open eyes. A clock chimed somewhere in the distance with three distinct bells. Joel sat upright and stared, wide-eyed, around the cabin. Three in the morning, or three in the afternoon, something was off. What did Joel know? He knew he was in a small room, a curtain was to his left, and the clock that chimed came from a hallway to his right.

Joel fumbled around, trying to find the pulley for the curtain. He felt old, peeling paint on the walls, and the curtain seemed to be made from a plastic material that was cracking. A thousand thoughts raced through Joel’s mind as his hand finally found purchase on the two small ropes to the right. After pulling the wrong direction initially, Joel pulled the curtain up, bathing the room in florescent blue light.

Joel blinked a few times and saw bricks flying by, marked by infrequent lights. Turning around, Joel saw he was in a room with four seats, two on each side. A small wooden door led out to the main hall of this train. Finally, he looked down, noticing the tuxedo that was tight around his neck. A red blotch bathed the white frilled frock just under his bowtie.

He quickly tore the item off and tossed it onto the broken leather across from him. There wasn’t any pain. Whose blood was that? The cabin was pristine other than the feel of age; the leather was flaking, the walls peeling, and the circle on the ceiling where the light should be sat empty. Joel stood and pulled the seat up to an empty storage compartment. He searched his pockets and found them empty except for the lint.

“Where is my frickin’ ticket?” Joel mumbled to himself. The sound was loud in the quiet room. Shaking his head, Joel walked to the door and slowly opened it, looking both directions down the hallway. A server’s trolley sat abandoned three doors down, the food on top attracting flies that swarmed a stack of plates like a thundercloud ready to drop rain.

Joel felt his chest getting tight, and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The floor creaked as he stepped out into the hallway. He eased over to the trolley and rummaged through the remnants, swatting away families of flies. A chunk of meat and sloppy mashed potatoes littered the plates, but it had to have sat for weeks as the entire plate was crawling with maggots and mold. On the trolley, there were also three tickets, with two of them punched in the top left-hand corner. The hole-punch sat beside the tickets covered by some of the mold.

Joel swiped the last ticket and placed it into his breast pocket. He scanned the other two and saw two names: Jaquelin Timmins and Frederick Alphonse. None of the tickets had a destination and the only thing on the back of the other tickets was a wing covered in golden foil. The wing shifted as the room flickered with each light that passed. It almost seemed like the wing was flying, and Joel smiled to himself before putting it down.

Abruptly, red light flooded into the hallway. Joel looked out the windows to see the world flying by. There was green and brown, but an overwhelming amount of red as fires raged in the distance. Joel turned and saw a door closed; he ran to it slamming his fist on the window.

“Fire! There’s a fire outside.” He continued bashing as his throat became raw from shouting, “We need to get out of here!”

The window shattered and glass showered on his feet. He blinked as he realized he was without his shoes. He carefully backed away from the shards on the ground as he peered into the room. It was also dark, the curtains drawn, but Joel could see a copy of his room, except that the seats were green. There wasn’t a soul in sight, and Joel let himself back against the wall.

“Where in the world is everyone?”

Joel pulled at his hair, feeling his raw scalp underneath. He knew better than to rely on that. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. His eyes opened, and he darted down the hallway in the direction he thought was the front of the train. The train jerked and Joel’s legs swept out from under him. He slammed into the window, heat radiating from it. Joel righted himself, pushing against the window, his hand leaving a mark in the glass.

His feet pounded beneath him, matching the rhythm of the track. He peered into the open rooms as he darted past. Not a soul to be seen. A door appeared ahead of him, glowing red around the edges.

He flung the door open, and a blast of heat roared into the cabin. Across a five-foot-wide gap ahead of him was a door with the number two etched into the glass. The connector between the train carts was a mass of metal that shifted slightly as the track moved. It was glowing red as it shuddered along between the cars.

“Breathe Joel. People do this all the time,” he tried another breath, but the heat seared his throat. Joel shook his head as a smirk crossed his face. “Alright. One, Two, Three.”

Joel jumped across and landed hard on the other side. His foot collided with the edge of the railing and felt a sharp crack radiate up his leg. Joel sat cradling his foot in the intense heat as he heard the clock behind him sound with three bells and a small ting from a chime being hit. Joel tried his best to stand, but his foot throbbed as he took a step forward.

As Joel pulled the door open, he noticed the differences in this car. Vibrant white paint reflected the flickering red light outside. Gold filigree lined the ceiling in swirling, leafy patterns. This cart shook with each hobbling step that Joel took. The click that was barely audible before now rattled in Joel’s ears as he leaned against the closest wall.

This cabin felt better as Joel flicked his eyes around. There was the same amount of space, but it didn’t feel like he was being pressed from all sides. He felt his shoulders relax as he approached the first door on his right. He tried the brass knob and felt it give way.

Inside the room was a child sitting on a sky-blue bench. A small, brown suitcase sat beside him, his foot tapping the side with every bump. Joel’s mouth fell agape as he stared at the kid, his black hair tousled, just like his mother did for him. In fact, the more Joel looked, the more this kid mirrored him. Soft jaw, bright blue eyes, high cheekbones that kept him from lying, and ears tucked just behind the mop above.

“Are you ok?” Joel whispered as he took a hesitant step into the room. The boy looked over, smiled, and nodded gently. Joel felt his eyes water. Even the way he moved reminded him of the belts and switches used to force himself to stand straight. The boy ushered for Joel to sit, and he reluctantly agreed. The seat huffed as his weight moved the air underneath. A cured leather smell filled the cabin.

“I think the question you need to ask is if you’re ok.” the boy said slowly, each word annunciated with a forced candor. “It’s Joel, right?”

Joel nodded; his mouth was wicked of moisture. He tried to swallow, but nothing moved. Joel looked towards the window and noticed billowing black clouds joining the deep red. The flecks of green had been replaced with deep browns and mottled oranges. Joel blinked as he broke his focus on the fire and returned his attention to the boy.

The boy leaned over and picked up the suitcase. “This didn’t go well before. So, we’ll try it this way. It might be easier to hear it coming from yourself.”

“No.” Joel muttered, “No! You aren’t me, you can’t be. I’ve left you behind me.” His breath caught in his throat, and he choked, “I… I don’t believe you.”

The boy sighed, a slight rasp catching at the end. “Joel Danvers. Works at the Bank of Montreal as the head of marketing. You’re five foot eight and you’re currently divorced.”

Joel laughed, “See, I got you! I’m six foot!”

The boy rolled his eyes. “No. That’s the lie you tell yourself and others to make you feel more manly. Personally, you think being so short means you are invalid to women. Part of you holds on to that since Cynthia left. It’s also because Alice forced you to stand straight every day to make you taller. It didn’t work, did it?”

“No.” A tear slammed onto the floorboards louder than the wheels on the tracks. “Nobody knows about Alice. How do you?”

The boy pulled at his hair and Joel reached out to stop him. Joel’s hand hovered halfway between them, and he let it drop onto his knee.

The boy slowly nodded with a kind smile, battling against his furrowed eyebrows. His mouth wavered as he continued, “You’ve been travelling along this path for a long time,” The boy looked out the window and shrugged, “part of feeling abandoned pushed you into the dark corners of Liberty.”

Joel nodded, and he looked down at his bare feet.

“How many women did you hurt?”

“Six.”

“How many survived?”

“One.” Joel growled. “Just one of them could take as much as I did.”

The boy pulled out a needle filled with the brown liquid Joel was acquainted with. The train went dark for a moment and the needle disappeared when Joel looked again. “Did you know?”

Joel pulled his hair and felt a few pulled free. “Not until they told me. Not until…” Joel choked as he wept. “Not until Cynthia…”

The boy raised his hand and Joel fell silent. “You don’t need to say it, we know.” He nodded in reassurance. “Now, to get down to why you are here.”

“Where am I?” Joel asked as he clawed at his knees.

The boy took a deep breath and pursed his lips. “Well, it’s more about where you will be. This is taking you to eternity. The others have already found their place, but you remained. You had to hold your ticket too close to your heart.”

Joel pulled the stub from his topic and looked at it. Across the surface of the ticket, in bold black letters, was his name: Joel Danvers. He flipped the ticket over, and it was plain white on the back.

“You still haven’t decided. So, it’s blank.”

“Decided on what?”

The boy pulled two stacks of papers out of the suitcase. “Good deeds and wicked deeds. They are basically even. You accepted Christ, so you have access to heaven, but you have a decision first. You’re not there yet. The ‘train’ is still going.”

Joel stood and wandered to the window. The fires outside were a miasma of swirling death. “I’m not sure I understand. Sorry, this is kind of hard for me.”

“We know.” The boy stood and placed his hand on the middle of Joel’s back. “You’re not dead yet. Something inside you is holding on, and it has to do with me. That’s why we’re here.”

Joel’s eyes focused on himself, and he saw Gabby. Her smiles lit up his life and now he could only see her every other week. She didn’t know him, she couldn’t through the haze of withdrawal.

“It’s not my past that’s holding me here. It’s Gabby. She needs me.”

The boy’s hand dropped as he looked up at Joel. “She doesn’t right now, but we understand. If you decide to get off this train, we cannot guarantee you time.”

“What will I remember?” Joel asked as he looked at himself. “I don’t want to keep wallowing in regret and continuing my cycle.”

“You’ll remember Gabby.” The boy paused, “and pain. This will hurt. You shouldn’t have survived as it is. It will take you time to recover. Enough time to shake your addiction, but it will be the worst thing you have ever experienced.”

“If it means I might be able to see Gabby go to school, or fight with me, or get married. Then I will do anything.”

A pain seared into Joel’s shoulder; his leg cracked in half. He felt his skull split, his back shift, and his ribs break. He felt a thousand needles poking at his body and a need to breathe. His chest felt compressed like he was surrounded. Like he stood in the midst of a crowd of people, but they were all on fire.

“Help!” Joel screamed, the words tearing at his throat. “Help me!”

A rush of yellow surrounded him, and a cold white liquid poured over him. Voices shouted a cacophony of commands. The world went blank, but for a moment, Joel smiled through the pain.