Thoughts Of Evil

It was just an early morning and a bit misty in the morning, when I just woke up to get some breakfast, but when I woke up, I realized that some things were not what or how they looked when I last saw them. I began to question myself, upon what was the reason why some things were starting to look a bit mysterious. It was already morning time, but just looking outside of my window, all I saw was snow. Snow that covered up my entire outside home. I was starting to even worry, and I can already feel my morning breath rising up high. There was just something that was so off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I try to take my mind off of overthinking what was the thing that was missing or the thing that was causing my mind to go a bit crazy, so I just decided to walk over to my kitchen table and make an effort to make myself a cup of coffee without shaking,but as I was about to make myself some coffee to give my mind an ease of relaxation and understanding, I began to hear my phone ring. I was just looking at it, thinking that all of this was just a little misunderstanding, but some part of me was just in panic mode. I was trying my best to take some deep breaths, but as annoying as I was, I was the kind of guy who was a cat and was curious about anything and everything that happened in his 38 year old life. I walk over to my house phone, and wrap some of the wire around my fingers as I pick up the phone and put it close to my ear and it was just dead on the other side. Like it felt like it was a contractor who probably wanted some attention, but I just couldn’t.

(Phone Ringing louder and louder)

“Hello, this is Jack Daniels , may I ask who I am talking to”?

I could already feel my anxiety shaking and steering me up, and I had a bad feeling that this was a wrong turn to take this morning, but my curiosity just gets the best of me. I could even already feel my breath rising out of nowhere.

“Hello, I ask this again out of contemplation; who is this that is calling me”

“Hello, Jack, bud it’s me Mason, you sound so scared. Is everything okay”?

“No, I just woke up with my anxiety rising so high, and I don’t know what’s going on this morning. I’m honestly so scared, let alone, everything that has been happening in my life. The many things that I have been going through and…

“Hey Jack. Try to catch your breath. I’ll come over in a bit and help you sort everything out, I promise, just try to..

Before I could even ask him a question, he ended the call right away. All I could feel in this current moment is that I was filled with so many anxious thought that were just running around like little kids. First off I lost so much in my life, and now this. I try to look at my life from a different kind of perspective, but every time I sleep and try to dream of a dream, all my mind can trace me back to is the lake. The lake that my little house my family and I used to live at, I remember my father and my older brother Charlie used to go there all the time to go fishing, but ever since I lost them in that lake, my life hasn’t been what I thought it would be. My life has changed ever since I lost my older brother and my father whom I loved very very much. At 38 years old, 30 years later, which is right now I can’t help but go back to that place. Something about that lake wasn’t right, and I don’t know why my father and my older brother wanted us to go fishing there when there are lots of…

(Ding Dong)

I don’t know what else to do. I know I’m just coming down with something, or this anxiety is just making me feel some way that I have never ever felt before. I don’t know whether this is my mind playing tricks on me, or whether it is…

(Ding, Dong)

(Ding, Dong)

(Ding, Dong)

I’m coming!! Ah, I don’t know what to expect from this feeling, but the last thing that I want to feel is this heartbeat beating faster than ever. I walk over to the door where I hear the doorbell, and at the same time, I can’t help but overthink and my mind can’t help but come up with some scenarios in the inside of my own mind. With my heartbeat racing, and my mind making up these silly scenarios in my head, I can just feel so many different emotions running around my whole body. The shivers I have never felt. On my way to my front door, I can’t help but see other things that can go wrong. What if…

“Be Quiet Brain” . This is my life I’m trying to live, not you, so don’t make up anymore crazy thoughts or ideas or plots in my head.

When I got to the front door, I unlocked the door, and to my surprise it was my friend Mason. I put on a smile to indicate that I was somewhat okay, but he was my best friend and he already knew something was up.

“Hey bud, everything okay? What’s going on Jack; you know you can talk to me. Don’t be afraid” I could already hear how caring he is, but it wasn’t that I was scared to open up, the thing I’m scared about is that the past may probably be haunting me already, despite the fact that it is already morning, but this wasn’t the kind of morning that I visualized in my head.

I looked at Mason with worried eyes, and he could already see the tension and the pain that I could feel. I really wanted to tell him, but honestly, I was just so scared. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of, but some part of me was wrong. There was something to be scared of, and nobody else in my life could stand up to support me or relate, but what I’m saying is not a lie. The night that I lost my older brother and my father to that lake, it felt like it was the end of me. I felt like my life was already over because as soon as I got home, my mother looked at me the same way Mason looked at me. I was just so silent.

Silent as a silent night can be, the only one thing that was doing the talking were my anxieties. As high as it was, it was even hard for me to speak up like a real man should. All these afflictions of how the last 10 years turned out to be, I even lost myself..

“Hey, Jack. Please talk to me bro, you are beginning to worry me. And I’m serious about this, you are starting to talk to yourself as if you were crazy. Bro listen to yourself, I don’t want you to end up like a crazy person, just talk to me”

“Okay Mason, remember how I told you a while ago that there was a lake that my father, my older brother and I went to 10 years ago? Well, I can’t get the flashbacks out of my head. I can’t forget the night that lake took away 2 bodies, 2 minds, 2 people that I loved so much, and now at 38 years old, the flashbacks are back. Even my mother knew, the night I came over with those dreaded tears across my eyes, I had to keep it all a secret because I knew if I told somebody I knew that they wouldn't understand and they would just laugh at me, and I miss them so much.

“Maybe it’s just all in my head, but I swear I…

“Are you sure that you really have those flashbacks Jack?”

“I swear Mason. Everything I’m saying is not a lie. It is all true, but maybe it is just my anxiety reaching me. But let’s just double check and maybe go and check that lake out. I need to see why that Lake took my 2 members of my family, but please, let’s try to go back to the lake.

I could already tell that my bud Mason already saw me as crazy. I could already tell that maybe this anxiety is just playing with me, that the lake that’s giving me those flashbacks are just not real. Maybe it’s just my brian playing some tricks to me, but I didn’t care. I just cared about trying to see if my brother and my father are still alive, because this stress and anxiety and soon the way these thoughts play me are just making me swerve in different ways and move in different ways.

“While don’t we give this a little bit of thinking Jack, hmm? I mean you may be right, but what if that lake didn’t do muc…

“What do you mean, look I lost my older brother and my father in that lake 10 years ago in that lake, and I need some answers. I can’t let this anxiety rip me up. I swear bro, I’m not lying, and this is all real. The fishing that us 3 did 10 years ago in that lake. Look, I just woke up, and remember I had to call you earlier Mason. I don’t want to lose anybody else to this lake, besides maybe if i….

“Jack…. Jack.. Jack take a deep breath. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear the words that are coming straight out of your mouth right now? I’m not trying to be a scandal kind of friend, but look man, I am really really starting to get worried. And the time now is already 10 in the morning. Have you had any coffee?

“No, I had no coffee. I don’t have time for coffee, look, this morning I woke up to this anxiety, and then the flashbacks of the lake where my 2 best buds died. I really don’t have time to drink any coffee right now. What I need right now are answers. What I need right now is someone who won’t judge me for the things I’m saying. What I need right now is someone who understands this.

“Okay Jack, if that’s what you want, I don’t think I can stay anymore. I think the best result for you is for you to consult in seeing a therapist. I don’t really know what are the things that you are going through, and also goodluck. I’m sorry Jack, I just think someone with more experience can help you with this sort of problem, and I’m not trying to judge you. I’m just being your friend and listening, but if you don’t need me, take care”

Just like that, Mason left me all alone with this kind of feeling. He doesn’t see the fear behind my eyes, and the pain that this kind of feeling is making me feel, but I really wasn’t lying. No wonder whenever I tell somebody something they just think that I am some crazy guy who lived on the streets, but I swore to him. This wasn’t how everything turned out to be. I looked outside my window and I could still see the snow outside of my home. I don’t know if maybe this is where one of the clues of me feeling like this is, and how my morning turned into something that was so horrible. I thought for a bit, but I decided to give up on the idea.

Instead like a good friend, I listened to what he said to me before I left me with this horrific kind of problem. He said for me to call and consult these kinds of problems to the therapist, but honestly I don’t…

(Ring, Ring)

(Ring, Ring)

(Ring, Ring)

(Ring, Ring)

(Ring, Ring)

I didn't know whether these calls on the phone were true, but it made my anxiety rise more. It made my heart beat so much faster, and made me feel like I was about to be drained like a battery pack. I really needed help, but I swore that I told the truth. Now I don’t even know if I will be able to survive this morning. With my anxiety set to really high and my mental health going down so fast like a rollercoaster inside of an amusement park.

I picked up the phone with my shaking hands, and on the other line, it was just so dead that it has even creeped me out. It was so dead, that my heart couldn’t stop pounding, and before I knew it my breath took a toll on me. I was beginning to get worried about myself. I was beginning to get worried for my life, and I was beginning to tremble. I was shaking all over the place, my hands and my fingers were trembling themselves. I soon put the phone to my ear and listened to see if there was anybody on the other end of the line..

“You’re Next” (Laughing hysterically on the other end of the line)

“Excuse me?” I said to the other end of the line with my anxiety soon getting the best of me.

“I said, you’re next”..

Right before I can ask the other person on the line about what they were talking about, the call just ended with a loud beep. I was so scared. My mind was soon beginning to think of crazy new scenarios that I didn’t want to have running around in my mind. Maybe this was my last day, maybe this person was the one at the lake and they want to meet up with me at the lake to kill me? Maybe they want something to do with me, maybe it's…

See, these are the kinds of thoughts that go rummaging up my whole mind. These are the kinds of thoughts that make me think too much, and now I think I’m going to die, die by that lake. The lake where both my older brother: Charlie and my father have both died. I’m so scared that right now I can’t even think straight. I have so many thoughts that are messages that want me to be erased.

With the phone still in my hand, I dial the number of the hotline and before I knew it they picked up on the first call. On the phone with them, I can feel my hands start becoming so heavy, and the tears that were once gone out of my eyes were soon reforming in the center of my eyes. I needed to relax but I could feel the tension building up. Soon, my thoughts became clouded as if they were filled with nothing but these foggy thoughts making me want to run away. Making me want to run away, but as a man, I needed to confront these feelings.

I need to face these emotions and know I will win, these, thoughts Of Evil