This Isn’t the First Time You’ve Asked Me That

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re waiting for me to say the wrong thing.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“No, I’m just listening.”

“You always say that.”

“And you always say I’m judging you.”

“Because you are.”

“This is normal. Couples argue.”

“This isn’t normal.”

“It is. You forget things, I remind you, we fight.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“You already asked me that.”

“When?”

“Just now.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“You’re imagining it.”

“I’m not.”

“You do this every time.”

“Every time what?”

“Every time you get tired.”

“I’m not tired.”

“You are. You’re looking at the clock.”

“Because I’ve seen this before.”

“Seen what?”

“This conversation.”

“Don’t start.”

“I’m serious.”

“You always say that right before you say something ridiculous.”

“You’re wearing the same shirt.”

“So?”

“You wore it last time too.”

“Last time we argued?”

“No. Last time this happened.”

“This happens all the time.”

“Exactly.”

“You’re twisting words.”

“I’m remembering them.”

“You’re remembering wrong.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Then why do you say the same things?”

“Because you push me.”

“You say that every time.”

“Because it’s true.”

“You’re about to tell me I overthink.”

“You do overthink.”

“And then you’ll tell me to let it go.”

“Let it go.”

“There it is.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means everything.”

“You’re smiling like you caught me.”

“Because you said it again.”

“Said what?”

“Exactly what you said before.”

“You don’t remember what I had for breakfast.”

“But I remember this.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Neither does this argument repeating.”

“It’s not repeating.”

“Then why do I know what comes next?”

“Oh yeah? What comes next?”

“You’ll sigh.”

“I didn’t sigh.”

“You paused.”

“That’s not the same.”

“It always starts with the pause.”

“You’re making me uncomfortable.”

“You said that last time too.”

“Stop saying last time.”

“Why?”

“Because there is no last time.”

“There is.”

“When?”

“Before now.”

“That’s how time works.”

“No. This is different.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“You’re not supposed to notice.”

“Notice what?”

“That it keeps resetting.”

“Resetting?”

“Yes.”

“This is insane.”

“That too.”

“You need help.”

“You said that already.”

“I’ve never said that.”

“You always say that right before you leave the room.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“You will.”

“Why would I?”

“Because I accuse you.”

“Of what?”

“Of not being real.”

“That’s cruel.”

“That’s new.”

“What?”

“That line. You didn’t say that last time.”

“So maybe you’re wrong.”

“Or something changed.”

“Nothing changed.”

“Something always changes.”

“You’re shaking.”

“I wasn’t before.”

“Sit down.”

“You said that too.”

“I’m saying it now.”

“You’re trying to ground me.”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“You always say that.”

“Because I mean it.”

“You never listen.”

“I am listening.”

“No, you’re waiting.”

“For what?”

“For me to break.”

“I don’t want you to break.”

“Then why does it end the same way?”

“How does it end?”

“You tell me I’m confused.”

“You are confused.”

“You tell me I need to rest.”

“You do.”

“And then everything goes quiet.”

“That’s called ending a fight.”

“No.”

“It’s called mercy.”

“You didn’t say that before.”

“I didn’t?”

“No.”

“You look surprised.”

“I don’t remember choosing that word.”

“Neither do I.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I think this isn’t an argument.”

“Then what is it?”

“A test.”

“That’s insulting.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“You said that too.”

“Stop.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re making me doubt myself.”

“Good.”

“That’s not kind.”

“It’s necessary.”

“According to who?”

“According to the voice you won’t hear.”

“Now you’re just being dramatic.”

“You call it dramatic every time.”

“Because it is.”

“You never ask why I remember.”

“Why do you remember?”

“Because I wasn’t supposed to.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Neither does you forgiving me before I apologize.”

“When did I do that?”

“You’re about to.”

“For what?”

“For doubting you.”

“I don’t forgive you.”

“You will.”

“When?”

“When I admit I’m wrong.”

“You are wrong.”

“There it is.”

“I’m not enjoying this.”

“You never do.”

“So why keep going?”

“Because it hasn’t worked yet.”

“What hasn’t?”

“Convincing you.”

“Of what?”

“That you don’t exist the way you think you do.”

“That’s cruel.”

“You said that before.”

“Because it is.”

“You’re a reflection.”

“Of what?”

“Of what I need to hear.”

“That’s narcissistic.”

“You said that too.”

“I’m done.”

“You always say that right before the truth.”

“There is no truth.”

“There is.”

“Then say it.”

“You aren’t my partner.”

“Then what am I?”

“A voice.”

“That’s convenient.”

“A reminder.”

“Of what?”

“Of my failures.”

“You’re projecting.”

“You accuse me of that every time.”

“Because it’s true.”

“You’re not alive.”

“That’s a horrible thing to say.”

“And yet you forgive me.”

“I don’t forgive you.”

“You will.”

“When?”

“When you say my name.”

“What name?”

“The one you never say.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You do.”

“Say it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because if I do, this ends.”

“And that scares you.”

“Yes.”

“You’re afraid of silence.”

“I’m afraid of judgment.”

“You already passed.”

“How would you know?”

“Because this isn’t punishment.”

“Then what is it?”

“A chance.”

“A chance for what?”

“To remember.”

“Remember what?”

“That you were forgiven before you ever asked.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“That’s exactly how it works.”

“According to who?”

“According to Him.”

“Who?”

“The one who asked the question first.”

“What question?”

‘“Where are you?”’

“That sounds familiar.”

“It should.”

“You’re saying this is—”

“A garden.”

“No.”

“A fall.”

“No.”

“A mercy.”

“…God?”

“I was waiting for you to say it.”