Thin Ice

Julia stared at the roaring fire ahead. She slowly sipped her hot cocoa, the dark liquid burning at her lips. She hardly noticed, lost deep in thought. If you asked her what she was thinking about, she would have given a soft smile and said she couldn’t remember. She sat back in the chair, snuggling in deeply. Her thoughts were private, and besides, she did not want to think about anything right now. She simply wanted to drink cocoa next to a fire. All was right with the world.

The door burst open, a jet of cold sweeping through the room. A sheaf of papers flew in the frigid breeze, coating nearly the entirety of the floor in their disarray. A tightly bound figure trudged through the door. “Fuck,” swore the bound figure. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” They finally yanked off one glove, allowing them to tear off the other glove, then their outer hat, then their inner hat, and so on and so on with nauseating detail. Long black hair tumbled down, framing a weary and reddened face. Allison stood within a maelstrom of clothes strewn around her. “Hi, baby,” she smiled, her lips frigid as she leaned over to kiss Julia. Julia reciprocated, but immediately withdrew to pick up the clothes strewn on the ground. “Allison, these will get the floor wet! You can’t throw snow-covered clothes on carpet, you’ll soak it. Honestly, I swear you’re a barbarian.” The words came in a fast, staccato stream, nearly tumbling over each other. Allison simply laughed at this. “Sorry about that, babe. But...” She stepped out of the doorway for a moment, then reemerged with two steaming white cups in her hands. “I brought coffee to make up for it?” Julia smiled in spite of herself. That was what she had always loved about Allison. No matter what mood she was in, Allison could make her smile. She took one of the cups of coffee from Allison’s hand, thanking her with a warm look from her eyes. “Now,” Allison exhaled, leaning against the wall. “What do you want to do the rest of the day?”

“Well,” said Julia shyly. “I guess—I know you just came back, but—well, what about us doing the hike around the lake the property owner told us about?”

“Oh,” Allison said, her smile falling somewhat. “Um,” she mumbled, looking at the clothes she had just taken off, now neatly organized and hanging from different hooks. She looked back at Julia, and her smile grew larger again. “Sure thing, baby,” she smiled. “Now, let’s get dressed.”

Moments later—long moments, but moments—two tightly bundled women emerged from their cabin. Their faces were obscured, but it was clear even from a glance who was who. Julia’s clothes were all pink, all branded, all perfectly arranged to suit her lithe body. Allison, on the other hand, was wearing a strange amalgam of clothes—this jacket picked up on a skiing trip a decade ago, this hat given to her by a friend from Vermont. Julia’s outfit looked undeniably warmer, yet she shivered while Allison did not. Allison noticed this and laughed. “Classic!” she pronounced with glee. “The girl who sleeps under two sets of covers in the summer, everyone.” Julia tried to fire back a retort, but barely got it out through chattering teeth. “So--sorry for—for being COLD.” She pulled the jacket more tightly around herself. Snow howled across the bare plain as they approached the lake, no shelter to protect them from the bitter cold. Allison paused for a moment, drinking in the view. “The host wasn’t lying,” she breathed. “It really is beautiful. Stark, bare, but still—beautiful.” Julia looked around her. A dense thicket sprung up around the lake, the trees twisting skeletons in the harsh wind. Everything else was bare white, as far as they could see. “Yes, beautiful,” she murmured, though it wasn’t really her sort of place. She missed her warm sofa and cocoa dearly, but pushed it out of her mind. They continued to trundle out over the frozen lake silently, Allison clearly enjoying the view, Julia lost in thought. After some time, Julia turned abruptly in Allison’s direction. “So are we going to talk about it, or just go on pretending nothing’s wrong?”

Allison frowned at this. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She pointed forward with one hand. “If we keep going, we could reach the woods on the other side.” She trudged forwards, snow blasting around her. Julia stood, stunned, then sprinted forwards. “So that’s it then,” she panted. “We’re just never going to talk about it? Never going to address it? This is the third rail of our relationship?”

Allison sighed angrily, snorting through her nose. “Talk about what, Julia?” she said, throwing her hands wide. “The fact that we have something important to talk about is news to me.” Julia was flabbergasted, scrambling to catch up with Allison’s now brisk pace. “Talk about what? Talk about what, Allison?” She half walked, half skipped to keep apace of Allison’s longer stride. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe we should talk about the most important news we’ve gotten in ages? Possibly ever? Maybe we should discuss that, hmm?”

Allison sighed deeply, but refused to slow her pace. “Oh, wonderful. We’re talking about pregnancy again. Goodie goodie gumdrops.” She shook her head again. “We discussed this, Julia. We tried to get you pregnant. It didn’t work. We know now that it won’t work. That’s sad. I’m sad. I said I would support you, whatever you want to do. So what is there to talk about?”

Julia scoffed. “Oh, perfect. God forbid that the decision to create another life could actually affect you.” She threw her arms wide, agitated. “I thought we were going to talk about this. Why else would we go on a couple’s retreat in the middle of nowhere?”

Allison’s jaw dropped, looking angry. “Gosh, I don’t know, Julia,” she said acidly. “Maybe I went on this stupid vacation in the middle of nowhere because I love you?” She paused for a moment. “I do love you, you know.” Feelings swelled in Julia’s heart, but she didn’t respond. No. She wouldn’t be swayed by these feelings of love. Now was the time for difficult conversations. Allison waited for Julia to respond, but Julia did not reciprocate. Allison snorted. “We had a conversation, Julia,” she said, her voice firm. “You wanted kids. I’m fine with kids. I don’t need kids, I don’t want to wreck my body to have kids, I don’t want to carry around a kid for nine months in my belly and screw up the rest of my life, but I’m fine helping to raise a child. You can’t have kids. Boo hoo, very sad. We can adopt if you still want kids. What else is there to say?”

Julia was livid now. “Boo hoo? Boo hoo? That’s what you have to say about all this, boo hoo? I’m infertile, the fate of our family hangs in the balance, and all you have to say is boo hoo? That’s how little you care?” Tears began rolling down her cheeks, nearly freezing to her face in the winter air. “That’s how little you care about me?”

Allison stopped now in the middle of the frozen lake, white stretching out as far as the eye could see. “Baby, don’t say that,” she said gently, resting her hand on Julia’s shoulder. Julia shrugged it off and retreated out of reach. Allison paused. “You think I don’t care about you?” She slowly moved closer, her eyes amorous. “After all we’ve done together? After all we’ve been through?” Her voiced dropped lower, sultry now. “After what we did last night?”

Julia laughed bitterly. “Yes, after what we did last night in all its glory. Me hard at work and you basking in happiness, as usual. No effort on your side, of course.” She chuckled to herself now. “When was the last time we even had sex, Allison?”

Allison looked at Julia with surprised amusement. “Uh, last night?” she said, her head tilted in confusion. “That ring a bell, babe?” Julia sighed, utterly exasperated. “Not like last night, Allison. Sex. You remember it? Requires effort, and some…” Julia suddenly blushed fiercely. “Uh, equipment?”

“Oh.” Allison stood and blinked. “Oh.” A pause hung over their conversation. “But you said that you liked other things. You said you were happy with our, uh, physical life. I thought you were happy.” A long pause lingered over their conversation. “Are you happy?”

Julia stood stock still. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I want a family. A family that’s ours, that comes from us. And if I can’t have kids, then…” She looked meaningfully at Allison.

Allison bristled at the implication. “That’s what you want? That’s what all this is about? I see now. You want a perfect little family with two and a half kids, natural-born like a perfect straight girl. You want me to fuck you like you’re a perfect little straight girl.” Now it was Allison’s turn to laugh. “You know what the thing is? If this happened and you were straight, you’d adopt. That’s it, end of story. But you want me to screw up my body, to screw up my life, to make you happy? No. No, I won’t do that.”

Julia burst into tears now. “Yes, of course you’re right. Of course I’m a homophobe for wanting a family, for wanting what everyone else has. I’m just pretending to be something I’m not. And the idea of you sacrificing something for me is completely out of the question.” She paused, panting slowly, her breath still careful and measured. “I’m so unhappy,” she whispered. “I’m so, so, so unhappy.” She turned and fled back to the cabin.

Allison stood in shock and watched for a moment, then began running after her. “What does that mean?” she called out. “Unhappy right now? Or--” Allison didn’t finish the thought, leaving it lingering in the air.

Suddenly, a snap like a gunshot rang out from directly underneath Julia’s feet. Both she and Allison instantly paused in their tracks. “What was that?” asked Julia, her voice low. Allison shook her head slowly. “Must be the ice resettling, or something. The ice is really thick, doesn’t crack. They said that when we rented the place.” She slowly ventured forward, her hand outstretched. “Here—” Another crack, loud as thunder, pealed out across the barren wasteland. Julia gave a small scream, then clapped her hands over her mouth. Both of them stood stock still. Allison breathed deeply. “Okay,” she said slowly, collecting herself. “Okay.” She looked Julia in the eyes. “I’m gonna walk over to you, and then we’ll figure this out.”

“No!” shrieked Julia. “If you do, you’ll die! Don’t move a muscle, don’t you dare!” Allison sighed. “Julia, you don’t know anything about thin ice. You’re from California. We can’t just stay out here forever. We have to move.” “We’ll move when it’s colder,” Julia quaked, fear creeping into her voice. “This lake will freeze over better at night. I don’t know if it’s frozen now, but if it’s not I can’t—we can’t—I can’t afford—” She looked at Allison, who slowly nodded. “Sure. Okay. The ice will freeze again tonight. We’ll be fine.” She paused. “We’re probably fine right now, but just in case…” Julia nodded feverishly at Allison’s suggestion. And so they stood frozen in place, the lake ready to splinter at any moment and devour them in its frigid depths.

Or maybe everything was fine.