They'll Love Me This Time

I'll never forget how dark my old Chevy was in the parking lot of that 24-hour convenience store on that warm summer night in 2003. With a cheap Bic pen cap settled lightly between my teeth as I overlooked the map I just bought, I plotted out my surprise trip to the next state over to see my family while my knee bumped the fountain drink full of caffeine, ready to see me through to the end of my great plan. Mama might have been mad the last time we talked, but I knew my surprise arrival would melt all that tension away.

Maybe I hadn't been givin' my family the easiest of times...maybe my free-spirited lifestyle made them turn their noses up a little...but they loved me. I knew that much, and that much knowledge was just enough to encourage me to start driving six hours away at around 2:30 in the morning.

I never did like to plan too far in advance. Too much disappointment that way when it doesn't quite work out how you wanted it to. But it was the middle of the night, I felt like seein' everyone's faces for the first time in eighteen months, and throwin' together a bag for a week-long impromptu trip felt like exactly what I needed to feed that desperate gnawin' inside me that begged for adventure.

With that, and a soft smirk settled across my lips, I started the car and drove.

The trip was uneventful. The roads were clear, traffic ran smooth, the darkness held me in comfort, and my mind flashed brilliant colors of exciting scenarios---one after another, imagining how Mama, my brother Marlin and his wife Jodie, my nieces Payton and Brittney, and even the dogs would gather around me for hugs and shouts of delight. "How long are you staying?! Come here, darlin', give me a hug next! I can't believe you made it!" With all the happy barks and yips in between.

A million different ways I imagined my arrival, and I smiled at what I knew would be my not-so-distant future.

I remember knockin' on Mama's door and holdin' my breath, barely containin' myself as her door swung open slowly and I bellowed out a, "SURPRISE, MAMA!"

"Maisie?"

I nodded, my heart poundin', my excitement peakin'. "Yeah! I'm here!"

"Guess you might as well come on in, then." Mama turned and walked into her kitchen, leaving my excitement to shift in confusing ways...why wasn't she happy? I'm her daughter.

"Nice to see you too," I muttered as I closed the door behind me and wandered in. The dogs came in from the living room, sniffed me a few times, gave my hands a few licks and walked away. Where was the happiness? Why did this feel so damn awkward?

"You didn't let anyone know you were coming." It might have been a question, but it was phrased more like a statement.

"No," I shook my head, taking a seat at Mama's table. "I just guess I thought I'd make it all a little fun and surprise y'all. Where's Larry?" Mama's husband was a bored, retired mechanic, and while I didn't love him like a father, I didn't mind him.

"Working on that Buick again. Let me go give your brother a call, I'm sure he'll...wanna know you're here." Mama left the room and I slumped back in my chair, wholly defeated.

I remember after that, she planned a family meal, and that was where all the drama came out. Nothin' at all like the scenarios I imagined. Everyone was just plain ol' mad at me!

"Why would you show up at Mama's house unannounced and not prepare her for your stay? That's selfish, Maisie. You only think about yourself. Didn't you stop and think we all have lives going on? You should have called. You shouldn't have been traveling in the middle of the damn night by yourself, what were you thinking?! You could have been killed!"

I knew I was only nineteen years old, so maybe a big trip on my own in the middle of the night might not have been the smartest, but their judgment--and lack of excitement to see me--shattered me to my core. That first night on Mama's couch, I reached down into my travel bag and pulled out a bottle, popping a few pills while tears ran down my face. I left after two days of lookin' for that joy I thought I'd find. I haven't surprised them once since then.

Until today.

It ain't no two o'clock in the morning last-minute plan with a gas station map, but it's a nice and breezy 5:00 a.m. after having had a nice night's sleep. I'm not quite the adventurous little thang I was back in '03, and I haven't seen my family since we had to gather for Grandmama's funeral a handful of years ago. Even without the adrenaline of invincible youth rushin' through my veins, I was excited to surprise my family again.

This time, it would be on better terms. This time, everyone would be truly happy to see me.

Sure, I'm not calling, but the "you showed up unannounced" thing might have just been a reason they plucked off a tree just to throw at me because they were grumpy.

This time, they'll be excited.

It'll be the do-over I've been picturin' for years.

Plus, we're all older now...there ain't no time for arguing and bickerin' over who did what right. The past is the past.

It started to rain at some point, dragging the trip on a little longer than I expected, but all seemed great otherwise as I entered the little town Mama lived in. Last I'd heard, Marlin had a house down the road, so it shouldn't be hard to get everyone together last minute. Not like I'm showin' up expectin' the world...just a little time with people I care about, and I'm ready to be welcomed and loved like I've always wanted to be.

My anticipation grew a little more, and I found myself feeling youthfully giddy, scenarios flashing through my daydreamin' mind while carefully navigating the small amount of traffic. All the huggin' and handshakes and back slaps. Yeah, this time would be different. I'm a real, actual adult now. No one can talk to me like I don't know what I'm doin' anymore.

Old worries tried to sneak into the corners of my brain but shut them down, reaching into my purse to pull out my bottle and pop a few little pills before things got too out of hand. Using my wrists to steer, I completed the necessary task and felt a little rush of happiness as I noted the familiarity of Mama's road. In no time, I was parked and sighing a big, happy sigh of relief. The trip was over, and I was ready to try this again.

Maybe Marlin's here visiting. Wouldn't that be perfect? Just having him open the door instead of Mama...

I knocked and bit my lip, trying to hold back the smile that threatened to burst forth like an inappropriate giggle. And hell, wouldn't ya know it, there was Marlin!

"Hey!" I breathed out excitedly, throwing my arms open for a hug. "Big bro!"

"God damnit, Maisie, what now? What this time? Ain't you done enough around here?"

My excitement deflated immediately. "The hell you mean?! I just got here!" Marlin threw his hands in the air angrily and turned away, storming into the kitchen, hollering for Mama as I charged right behind on his heels.

"Would you calm the hell down?! What is the big damn deal?!"

"Oh, Maisie." Mama's disappointment rang thick and true in her aged voice, the sadness dripping from each word thicker than maple syrup.

"What?!" I was getting pissed. This was worse than last time! What gives?!

"Are you in trouble? Are you wanting money? I don't have anything to sell."

"Why the hell do I need to want somethin' to come surprise my family?!" I bellowed out, not able to keep myself calm despite everything I'd done to make sure I was feeling good for this surprise trip. Now I just feel regret, and I need my bottle out of my purse...but not in front of these drama queens.

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths before opening them to a room full of concerned faces. Payton and her boyfriend were even there. Great. Nice to meet ya, bud.

"I just missed y'all." I looked at each person one at a time, slowing my speech and feeling a slow tingle spread through me. "I just wanted to surprise everyone and have a nice meal, or spend time together. I swear."

"What are you on this time, Maisie?"

"NOTHING!" I exploded. "Gawwwwwd!" I rubbed my fists hard into my eyes, trying to force out the tears that probably would have come if I hadn't taken my pills. I wanted them to see my anger and hurt. I needed the damn tears!

"You know what, I'm not gonna stay here and try to defend myself and try to force this...whatever this is." I gestured wildly at everything around me, realizing I was too numb and tingly to get the desired emotional effect I wanted. With a dramatic flair that I wanted to leave an impression, I threw my purse over my shoulder and flipped my long hair over my shoulder as I walked to the kitchen door to take my leave.

As I reached my exit and noted the rain pourin' harder than ever, threatenin' flash floods, I flicked my glance back at my family that was watching me like I would die any moment. I scoffed.

"You'll feel bad when it's too late to do somethin' 'bout it, I hope you know that."

And with that, I went back to my car, knowing I was going to be much smarter than the last time. I wouldn't give them two days to hassle me this time around. I knew where I was and wasn't wanted.

As I started the car, I reached into my purse and unscrewed the bottle with one hand, sliding a single extra dose out before capping the bottle back with the same hand. The tears threatened to flow harder before another little tingling, numbing sensation washed over me and I dropped my head back on my seat and tossed the little pill down my throat.

Maybe next time will be the way I wanted it the first time.