These Gal’dern Crows

Farmer Clement wasn’t your average midwestern corn farmer. A six foot six rickety octogenarian with loose joints, protruding chin, and a floppy hat; if you met him you would think he was more of a cartoon corn farmer.

As would be with a cartoon farmer, Clement was regularly doing battle with a nemesis.

“These Gal’dern Crows,” people would hear him grumble.

They were rightfully terrified of the man who was ready to wear their hides as a crow-skin cap while feasting on their roasted corn-thieving carcass stewing in gravy. Their terror kept them away from the field when he was attending to it, but the minute he stepped out of sight they were gobbling up sweet corn like they were hammering away on a typewriter.

Chomp chomp chomp ching!

Clement tried plastic owls, ultrasonic horns, reflectors, and even paid a lawyer to offer a cease and desist. Nothing worked except Clement himself.

“These Gal’dern Crows,” he would scream at the sky and shake his fist.

Being the ingenious character he was, Clement decided the best route was to duplicate himself so that it would appear he was always in the field, even if he wasn’t in the field. Clement created a scarecrow in his exact likeness.

Now, before we forget, these crows have bested Clement for a very long time. He had been constantly harangued and pestered by the devious murder. Clement was beside himself with the goal of successful eradication.

He wanted insurance that if the crows didn’t take the bait, didn't fear his scarecrow, then they would just have to meet their fate. Clement stuffed the scarecrow with several dozen M80s, nineteen sticks of dynamite, two propane tanks, and one overcooked baked potato.

So, either the scarecrow would scare away the crows or as soon as a crow landed on Faux Farmer Clement: Boom!

No more crows either way.

Clement wheeled the scarecrow in his red wheelbarrow to the center of the field where a large pole had been erected.

“Gal’dern Crows, Gal’dern Crows,” he mumbled as he worked.

He hoisted his likeness onto the pole and made sure it was connected. It was uncanny how similar the scarecrow looked. It was as if he was standing, looking at his long lost identical twin.

The sun was setting and it would be dark soon. He didn’t want to lose too much light before he watched to see if the scarecrow was a success.

Clement hid behind a bush and pulled out a set of binoculars. The crows poked their heads out from the trees beyond the boundaries of his fields, but never crested their wings.

The sun faded and Clement was happy of his success. Then a bright column light burst into the center of his field. He watched as his likeness was lifted off the pole, slowly and then: ZOOM! The lights went out and BOOM!

Shards of alien spacecraft scattered his fields and Farmer Clement jumped and hollered and said, “These Gal’dern Crows. These Gal'dern Crows!”