Therapy

The inside of my stomach starts to turn and for the first time in years I feel sick. The kind of sickness that grabs you from deep within and tells you ‘If you don’t run; you will die here.’ At one-point millions of years ago this would have been helpful… but I am not a cave woman. I am not running for my life, dodging dangerous animals, or looking for the easiest way to survive. I am only sitting in a well-lit room in a comfy brown suede chair. There is no danger here. I curb this sudden rush of feelings by giving myself a light pinch on the arm. A physical reminder that I am safe. I am in control.

You got this. Don’t over think it.

You got this. Don’t over think it.

You got this. Don’t over think it.

My thoughts were cut off by a door swinging open. A tall woman with long brown braids called out my name. “Aurelia North.” The corner of her lips pulled into a smile as I stood up stiffly. The clip board on my lap flew ten feet across the room. This was followed by a sudden rush of heat to my face and ears. I had forgotten all about it. I scrambled to pick it up without making a larger fool of myself. All my things gathered I walked towards her following her into the hallway. The small talk on the way to her office was lost on me. I can’t remember how I ended up sitting in the chair across from her.

“Do you remember meeting him for the first time?” Dr. Janice says in a voice that can hardly be heard over the small machine by the door. The thing was highly unnecessary and yet it brought me comfort. The comfort that anyone walking by would not hear nor could they listen to my shame.

My head nods up and down. My inner monologue scoffing about the stupidity of my naïve young self. The me who thought… I could somehow be worthy of love. My voice got caught in the back of my throat. I had hidden the pain so long that the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. “Of course, I was stupid…” I paused for a moment my voice trailing off into the depths of my memory. A small voice whispering to be kind to myself. “Back then.” I finish as if making it seem as it was further away had taken any of the shame I still felt away.

“Can you describe it to me?” Dr. Janice spoke again. She was very telling. Her shoulders sat still facing me and her deep even breathing brought me an added level of comfort I had yet to feel with any other therapists.

“I don’t remember how old I was… but what I do remember is the feeling. I can still feel it deep inside. How excited I was to meet my mother’s new partner. How overjoyed I was to soon be having two dads. I wasn’t quite old enough to really get the whole divorce thing. All I knew was I LOVED my father and now I would be meeting another man who would be like my second dad.” My eyes started to fill with liquid. Many years of silent crying showed brightly as the tears flooded down my cheeks but my face and body remained motionless. The learned skill: apathy. It wasn’t quite true apathy more visual apathy. It was better that way.

Dr. Janice prompted once more. “What about that made you feel stupid?”

The tears that stained my cheeks seemed to come to a halt. I only shook my head slowly. My eyes fell glued to the floor tracing over every small detail in the rug. The years with him seemed to rush through my mind at the same time. Ephemeral glimpses of pain, hurt, and hiding. I slowly lifted my hands to my scalp. They slid up slowly the feeling of hair between my digits followed by a soft pressure. Anything to relieve this moment.

“Hey, I am here with you.” The woman’s voice was louder now. It filled the room unapologetically and left no space for my thoughts to take over again.

My dark brown hues drifted from the floor to land on her. Her eyes were warm like drops of honey, skin soft and deep with melanin, her scent carried of sage and citrus, and her braids rest perfectly still on her shoulders. The energy that pulled me back to her felt like safety. In this room with that small useless machine only with her did I know I was completely safe. When my eyes finally rest on her she sat back in her chair.

“You weren’t stupid, you were full of love. From what I can tell you have never been…” The silence was only for a second as she placed her paper pad down on the table next to her and rolled her shoulders up to a shrug. Her perfectly manicured nails lifting into the air to make air quotes. “stupid.”

The tears again seemed to fall effortlessly from my eyes. They carved the same path down my cheeks. The same way the many tears before them did. The ones that carved walls around my soul as I stopped trusting people. I spoke after that for the first time on the matter. “I feel stupid now. I feel stupid for wanting to meet him, for thinking her could love me, for all the times he told me I was worthless, for every time I tried to be better for him, I feel stupid for all the times I wasn’t true to myself because I wanted him to be happy, I feel stupid for all the times he screamed at my mom… and somehow at one point, I wanted him in my life. I wanted to meet him and now look…“ The tears continued to fall. They felt never-ending.

“I had brought this on myself as a five- or six-year-old girl. Just happy to be alive and now… more often than not I wish I wasn’t.” My words were filled with tears. The tears were no longer silent but filled the room, my body and shoulders shook from each inhale. As if I had yet to breathe even once. As if, to inhale I might be taking my last breath. The small buzz from the machine couldn’t be heard over my balling. I wiped the tears with the back of my jacket.

She had a soft smile when my tears finally cleared. When I could see her through my blurry eyes she was smiling. The words dripped from her lips like a sweet summer song. The way trees branches rub against each other creating music, that was the way she spoke. “You had been carrying that around for so long; thank you for sharing it with me.” She paused for a moment a small timer went off on her wristwatch. We both seemed to stand up at the same time. Her arms wrapped around me tightly and she whispered. “You can not control what he did but you can work on yourself starting today.” I only nodded into her shoulder. The sweet smell of citrus followed my home that day. Every day since I choose myself.