Therapeutic Water

One, three, five, seven. One, three, five, seven. One, three, five, seven. Lucky seven my mama would always say.

"Seven is not always lucky to most only lucky to some and you my Carrie-Ann are something indeed"

Her words emanating through my mind as the darkness engulfs me.

"When you feel trapped or like you can't breath, just count in twos until you reach seven. But, remember we start with odd because odd is what we are"

She always found the words to encourage me in the most simple of ways. So I will do just as she asked. One, three, five, seven and repeat. Because right now, right now I felt trapped, swallowed and I can't breath. I can barely see as the darkness seems infinite and my mind begins to settle amidst the madness of what is happening. My mind settles under the cold terrain and the thwapping feeling of extreme pressure until it feels light, free and easy. The coldness begins to leave my body and my body feels dry under the body of water that squeezes my lungs and heightens all of my senses. The bubbles that leave my nose are mirrored in the darkness and somehow reflected in the most peculiar way without the presence of light. I feel light, free, awakened and utterly terrified.

As I am starting to sink into the depths, I again can see a reflection of brightness but this time, it isn't a bubble and it isn't a light. It isn't natural and it is something I cannot begin to explain. It feels like the brightness we see when we die. Something beyond this world that cannot be explained. I am reaching out, reaching out towards the brightness and my sinking body is heavy and begins to go down with my mind to the depths. The darkness and I cannot reach that brightness. I cannot reach it. I cannot reach it.

One, three, five seven. One, three, five, seven. One, three, fi...

Then I am gone.

Floating in front of my body yet it isn't there. But, I am in the same place, the same position as my corporal self once was. Am I dead? Am I a ghost? An entity of previous existence? Do I still exist or am I crazy?

One. three, five, seven.

"Ok Carrie, you can open your eyes now. I want you to tell me what you think that imagery is? What do you think that dream means?"

Doctor Rufus Nicks, graduated from Harvard Medical and has the ego to show for it. I've been coming to weekly hypnotherapy and meditation sessions for weeks now and still I can never get past that brightness. The light that isn't a light turns into my wall and I don't know what it means.

I'm not a cliché, I don't have childhood issues and I don't long for love. I'm a 26 year old private book store owner and Art major with two Alsatians (both rescues) and I am in a loving relationship with my girlfriend Albertha. We have a great relationship, lots of love and lots of sex. She's a trainee surgeon so sure we work long hours but we have plenty of time for each other.

I come from a typical white picket fence home. The perfect parents, older than most but loving all the same. A brother, Luke and a sister, Jenna. Both older, both royal pains but successful and loving siblings I wouldn't change for the world. I was privileged to have the best education, the best after school activities, an abundance of friends and never ending love. So, why am I having these dreams? That is what I need Dr Nicks to tell me because so far, he was giving me nothing.

"I just want to know why, why are my dreams so dark, so consistent and so repetitive when I've experienced nothing but happiness up until now?"

Staring at Dr Nicks, he clearly saw the frustration on my face.

"Carrie-Ann, maybe the dreams are simply a supressed fear towards the body of water you seem to so vividly describe not a re-living of a heinous past?"

Stupid, how stupid. Water? I take baths, I go swimming, I feed the ducks at the local pond. I'm paying this guy $100 an hour to tell me I'm afraid of water!

"I know the idea of a fear of water may sound far-fetched and maybe even a little silly. But, it's not as uncommon as you might think."

He obviously spotted the judgemental look on my face and to be honest, I wasn't really trying to change it. With that, his alarm goes off and I'm even more confused than I was at the start of this session. He stands and slides his trousers to his ankles that have risen from his 45 minute session of reliving my dream. He does the same thing after every session. I can't help but smile and I think he's beginning to notice.

"I want you to do something for me Carrie-Ann. I want you to find a large body of water. Somewhere where the water is dark and secluded. I want you to hire a boat if you can and go out onto that water. Just sit, draw, use your major to calm your mind and maybe then your dream will become more clear. Can you do that for me?"

I nod and shake Dr Nicks hand as I turn to leave. What an idiot. This will be our last session.

It's been 3 weeks since I last saw Dr Nicks and I'm still having the same dream. I decided on the boat idea. A stupid one if you ask me but at this point of near insanity, I'll try anything. So, I wait for Albertha to put in a night shift at the hospital and head out to the local lake. It's big, it's dark and I know a guy who has a boat. Win, win, win right? Hopefully if anything this pointless exercise will simply prove that water isn't my issue.

I get onto the lake, Bub is an old friend of daddy's and lends me his 'Victoria' for the night. After the Queen. He loves the British and all things tea and crumpets. I approach the centre of the lake, it's dark but the light from the boat lights the area around me. A few beers in hand and the radio on board keeps my mind comfortable. A little chilly but I welcome the breeze. I used to love rolling down large hills on my bike as a young girl and feeling the cold wind on my face. Moments like this remind me of those times.

After a couple of hours, I'm about ready to give up. The water hasn't bothered me, I have no fear. Fuck you Dr Nicks, you were wrong.

As I raise the anchor I see a brightness approaching. Another boat I imagine but the light was blinding. Something I've never seen before. Odd I think to myself but I'm ready to go home now and without a second thought, I steer the boat towards shore.

Approaching the shore, I'm quickly shunted into the water by a loud bang. Cold, so cold and all I see is darkness. One, three, five, seven. One, three, five, seven. One, three, five, seven. My mama's words ringing through my ears as I struggle to find the boat. The water is so cold and I can feel myself being pulled down. I'm being pulled down. I'm being pulled down and all I can see is darkness. I see nothing. Until, I do.

My boat is gone but I see the brightness approaching me. Another boat maybe? As it approaches I see him, I see his face. Dr Nicks.

"Carrie-Ann, just let go"

My mind cannot comprehend what I am seeing, what I am hearing but before I have chance to ask why...I'm pulled down.

The bubbles that leave my nose are again mirrored in the darkness and I am pulled into the darkness before being dragged towards the brightness. And I'm gone.

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