The World According to Moishe

Vel’, as one of your great American v’riter’s once said, if you really v’ant to hear about it, I v’ll tell you. Cum, cum, sit, sit…here, take this chair make yourself comFORT’able. Now, My name is Moishe and I own dis little dry cleaning store. I know it never would’ve bean possible without living in this great con’tery, the United States of America! I consider myself a fortunate man to have come vere many years ago and start a new life. I escaped that madman Hitler v’hen he v’anted to kill all the Jus. P’tui, I spit on his grave, wherever it is.

Ah, it is hot today, no? V’here’s my handkerchief? Ah, here it is. Now let me begin by saying, I vus….oh, there’s Peter. Peter, cum’ere, say hello to my friend here. This is Peter, he helps me around the place. “Are you all finished v’ith your lunch, m’boy?”

“Yes”

“Do you have enough t’ eat, Pete?

“Yes, that was really good grub.”

“Goot! Peter, I want you to do a couple of things for me, yes?”

“Alright-t”

“You know the Parker house on Sixth?”

“I know it-t”

“Here is her laundry, you have your bike here, yes?”

“Yes, I have it-t”

‘OK, m’boy, go and take it now, it must be there before three o’clock…and Peter…be careful.”

“I will Moishe, you don’t have to worry about me.”

Yea, V’ell, I v’orry about him anyway. He is good boy, and he makes an excellent Shabbous goy, but y’know, he is a little slow in the head. I try to teach him once how to virk da’ press, but I gave up. I thought he might hurt himself. He told me that he never v’ent passed the third grade. Shameful, in a great country like dis that even one person should be left behind like Peter. I sit vith him once in awhile and try to teach him to read a little. It’s a shame, a real shame.

V’ell anyway, v’here vus I? Oh yes, I was about to tell you about that thing that happened. V’ell, I vus valking to 2nd ave. the other day and who do…Oh, here comes that nice young Miss Jenkins vit all da’ colored blouses. She is so nice but always she insists on calling me Mr. Rosenthal. I tell her every time to call me Moish’, like everyone else. She insists on calling me Mr. Rosenthal, so I call her Miss Jenkins, Nu? Oh V’ell let me just take care of dis, and then we can… “Gut’ afternoon, Miss Jenkins, how are yut today?”

“Just fine, Mr. Rosenthal. And, I hope everything is good with you too?”

“V’ell, I v’ould be much better if you v’ould call me Moish’ but, it is a pleasure to see again any’vay. How’s that nice young man that came in here vith you the other day, lets see, vut vus his name? V’ait don’t tell me, I’ve got it, its…”

“Rick”

“Rick! That’s right, Rick, I never forget a name. Oh, he is a very nice young man, eh Miss Jenkins? You must be very happy.”

“We are just friends.”

“You know Miss Jenkins, I may be just an old dry cleaner but I can see how you look at him…and…how…he looks…at you…”

“Oh, Mr. Rosenthal, it is hard to get anything passed you. Yes, we like each other, but we have only been seeing each other for a few weeks… But, you are right, I like him, so we we’ll see”

“Ah-hah! I knew it. I have a vay of feeling those things...Vut’s the matta? Vut are you looking for?”

“My ticket, for my clothes, I know I had it in here.”

“Please, please, miss Jenkins that is not necessary. I know v’here your laundry is. Here, you see, the prettiest bundle in the store. Look, I V’erk very hard to make sure you do not lose the color out of those beautiful clothes, yes?”

“Absolutely, Mr. Rosenthal, you are the best. I wouldn’t trust my clothes with any other dry cleaner on this street.”

“Thank you, Miss Jenkins, that is very kind, very kind, indeed. Here you go.”

“Thank you, Mr Rosenthal, and how much do I owe you?”

”That v’ell beeee… $2.35 please?”

“Very good, here you go”

“Have a good day, Miss Jenkins, see you the next time, bye. “

Sorry, for the inter’vuptions, but as they say, business is business. So, any’vay, like I said I vus v’alking down 2nd ave. and these two neighborhood tuffs come V’alking toward me. That doom’koff V’ilson, you know him? Got dem’ bes’tered. And, that other Shmuck, McNab, Zos voxen vi-etsibula mit a cup en grerden. Ptui, I spit on them both. So, any’vay, they are v’alking toward me and I see them surround that nice colored lady, Mrs. Johnson…oh, excuse me, they prefer the word black now to colored. Y’know, it is a v’onderful thing to proud of h’fu and v’hat you are. Yes, a v’vonderful thing… Only in this United States are such v’onderful things possible.

“Hi Pop.”

“Oh, here he comes. Come, Michael, come meet my friend, This is my son, Michael, the student. Did you eat lunch, ta-ta-la.”

“No, Pop, that’s why I’m here. Mom said you had food here.”

“There’s some meatloaf in the cold box in the back, go…take…help yourself…eat, enjoy.”

You know…he is a straight “A” student. His mother and I are w’ery proud of him. He v’ll be a doctor someday…Dr. Michael Rosenthal…”Any’vay, those two bums are v’alking on either side of Mrs. Johnson that poor v’uman, has five children, no husband, does everything for her children. The v’uman is a saint, if there ever vus one. Anyv’ay one v’alks on one side and the other v’alks on the other and v’hen she is not looking McNab grabs her purse, and then starts running…right at me. V’ell, I didn’t know vut to do. So as that schmuk runs by me, I put my foot out and he goes down, sliding all over the pavement. I tell you, if it hadn’t been so tragic it v’ould have been funny. Then his partner, the momser, stops and pulls a knife and says, “I am going to cut you for this Jew boy.” Just at that moment Hank, the cop, turns the corner and sees v’hat happened. When the Momser heared the police v’histles, he takes off leaving McNab there.

V’ell, the upshot of the thing is, that they tell me now to be careful. That is v’hy there is an extra lock on the door and I don’t let anyone in until I know who they are. The two trouble makers are now behind bars, and v’ell be there for a while, gotsa donk. I am not afraid of those hooligans. I have handled v’orse than that in my life. V’hen I escaped from Sobibor, I killed many Nazis. One, I slit his throat from ear to ear. I did it then, I can do it again. Those momserims v’ould do v’ell to leave me and mine alone.

Oooh, vit all the excitement of telling you dis story I didn’t realize how late the time vus getting. It’s almost five-s’erty, time to lock up and go home. I really enjoyed your company this afternoon. Come by anytime, v’ee’ll talk. See you soon.