The Window

Like clockwork, the nightmare I desperately wanted to rid myself of every night, was back again. Alone in a room with a dim flickering light overhead, the silence deafening as I sat on the concrete floor. A small window on the wall in front of me, teasing the freedom I could have.

I curled into a ball, squeezing my eyes shut, willing myself to wake up. "Please, not again," I whispered into the darkness. But the cold, hard reality of the dream set in, telling me that I'm still trapped in the tiny box of a room.

With a heavy sigh, I acknowledge the pointlessness of my resistance. The only way out is through. I stood up and made my way toward the window. With each reluctant step, my legs felt like jelly, and my breath came in shallow gasps as I approached the empty, taunting window. My heart pounded as the scene outside began to shift, blurring from nothingness to a sunny park.

In the park, a man and a woman, their backs toward me, hold hands and swing together. Laughter, soft and muffled, barely reached my ears. I pressed my hand against the window, feeling a strange sense of detachment, longing to join them, to be free from this suffocating nightmare.

I leaned my forehead against the window and closed my eyes, wishing I could step through the glass and into their world. I lifted my head to look back at the couple, but they had stopped swinging and were now staring at me from their seats. My breath caught in my throat, seeing their distorted faces, nothing but a messy blur.

The sudden change jarred me, making me fall back onto the floor. The ground quickly disintegrated underneath me, plunging me into darkness. It all felt like slow motion, my body feeling light as I plummeted into the unknown. Thankfully, it jolted me awake, sweat beading on my forehead.

Unfortunately, my nightmare was not just a dream; it was my reality. The bright lights in my room were a stark contrast from the one in my dream, but they didn't make the small room feel any bigger. Just a plain medical bed, a dodgy flat-screen TV, and a cupboard that only housed a few of my belongings.

I made my way over to the singular window in my room, my view met with the courtyard, and a fountain that hadn't worked since I arrived. The door squeaked open, and a lighthearted voice said, "Ms. Jameson, are you ready for your pills?"

"Must I?" I looked down at the cotton socks on my feet.

"You know the answer to that," she replied with a sigh.

I nodded, turning away from the window and looking at the tiny paper cup holding my three pills beside a mini bottle of water. With a resigned sigh, I swallowed them, the bitter taste lingering as I followed the familiar, numbing routine.

"Your therapy session is scheduled for 8:00 a.m. today," she mentioned as she picked up my trash. "I'll see you in fifteen minutes when you're done getting ready."

I thanked my nurse and watched her leave. The thought of another therapy session made my stomach churn, but skipping it wasn’t an option. So, I pulled myself together and got ready for the day ahead.

***

"Did you sleep well, Ms. Jameson?" Dr. Vanderhide asked me as I sat on the couch in her office.

I shook my head as my finger tapped on the rough fabric below me. "No. I had that dream again."

"The one with the window?"

"Yes, that one." A deep frown creased my forehead as I replayed the nightmare in my mind, each distorted face and muffled laugh twisting my stomach into tighter knots. "This time the couple was at the park. They were swinging together and holding hands."

She wrote something down in the file she held, "Did you see their faces, or were they distorted like usual?"

"They were distorted like usual. Just distant memories that I can't seem to recollect."

"Do you think it's trying to tell you something?"

"Maybe. I mean, everything since the accident seems to be a blur. Nothing makes sense."

She nods, jotting down a few more things in the folder before closing it. "I know it's hard, Kelly. You went through a terrible loss, but maybe your nightmare is trying to show you the way to healing."

I looked at her and sighed, "Should I try harder to see what the dream is trying to show me?"

"It's a start, but don't force clarity. You'll see what you need to once you're ready."

"What if I never do?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there." She leaned forward, giving me a sympathetic look. "Until then, we'll keep taking it one day at a time."

***

That night, the nightmare had returned, and as relentless as ever. The dim, flickering light cast shadows on the bleak walls that confined me. The window taunted me with memories I couldn't fully grasp.

This time, the window scene flickered and shifted, revealing a sunlit studio bathed in the warm glow of morning light, where dust particles danced in the air. The long windows that let in the early morning sun, illuminated a canvas being painted by the woman from last night's dream. In front of her sat the man, his face still blurry and unclear to my eyes.

They seemed to be goofing off, her desperately trying to paint his features onto the canvas, but he refused to sit still. The muffled laughter filled my ears once again as I watched like the bystander I’d been for the past few weeks.

Soon, the vibrant colors started to dim, turning into nothing but gray tones. The paint ran down the canvas like a melting candle. After the canvas turned into a runny mess, so did the world around it. Everything started to blend, running down and melting away in a disturbing array of bleak colors.

I jolted upright, my chest heaving and sweat dripping down my temples. The remnants of the nightmare still clung to my skin like a cold sweat. The room around me was still and silent, but I couldn't shake the feeling of loss the dream had left behind.

***

"Good morning, Kelly." Dr. Vanderhide said as she sat across from me in her leather chair. "How did you sleep?"

"The same as always," I replied. "This time it showed a memory of me painting with the man from the other dreams. His face was still warped, but this time, it all melted away at the end."

Dr. Vanderhide leaned forward, her eyes attentive. "What do you think that means?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's about losing my passion, my purpose. Everything feels meaningless since the accident... losing him."

"That's a significant insight, Kelly. Your dreams might be helping you process your grief and loss. It’s not just about the accident, but about finding a way to reclaim what you've lost."

"I suppose so." I wiped away a few tears that had escaped my watery eyes. "I just wish I could remember what he looks like. Remember those times that I was whole and happy."

"And you'll get there. All in due time." She gave me a genuine smile. "Just keep making progress like you have, and you'll remember."

***

The dream was back again, but this time it felt different. The window was wider, and the box felt smaller, tighter, and more claustrophobic. When I peered out, it wasn't a bright sunny day like usual; it was bleak, stormy, and foggy. The rain pelted the frame, making it hard to make anything out.

As the scene vaguely came into focus, I realized I wasn't just watching this time—I was living the memory. I was in the driver's seat, with the man beside me, still faceless and blurry, chatting about something I couldn't decipher. It seemed like we were arguing, his hands moving in exaggerated gestures. This was quite different from the happy-go-lucky memories I'd been watching over the last month.

Driving down the dark road, barely visible through the dense fog, lightning flashed in the distance, illuminating the roadway for a split second. A sense of dread washed over me as I tried to make out the road and the situation. Suddenly, a bright white light clouded my vision, getting closer as time seemed to stand still.

The blaring sound of a truck's horn caused me to jump. The lights in front of me revealed themselves as headlights. The window shattered, glass flying toward my face. I covered my face with my hands and was jolted awake.

I let out a guttural scream as the dim light of my room came into focus. It was still dark outside my window, but there was no way I could fall back to sleep after that. I laid back down, heavy tears streaking down my cheeks as I tried to calm myself.

***

"I remembered the crash," I sighed as I lay on the couch in Dr. Vanderhide's office.

"And how does that make you feel?" she asked calmly.

"Awful." I cried into the tissue she had given me earlier. "I should have pulled over, or I shouldn't have started the argument with him so I could focus on the road."

"Did you start the argument with Ben?"

"I... don't remember. Maybe not, but I still feel guilty."

"Of course you do. You lost your fiancé in that crash while you were behind the wheel." She leaned forward, giving me a sympathetic smile. "But you are not to blame for this. You were in a storm, and a truck lost control, swerving into your lane. That was out of your control."

"But it took everything from me!" I yelled at her, as I sat up in a flash, slamming my fists into the couch. "My inspiration and the love of my life. How could I possibly go on painting these vibrant scenes when all I see is black and white now?"

"I'm not the one who can answer that. Only you can determine what your future looks like," she said, tapping her pencil against the folder she held. "But I will tell you this: sometimes life has a way of showing the beauty of the world again. It's up to you if you want to let it in."

I nodded solemnly. "I understand."

***

Weeks passed since my last dream. I thought I had finally rid myself of that room and its tantalizing window. But it was back once again. This time, it felt different. I felt different. When I reached the window, I was surprised to see that it was wide open, welcoming me to the bright, lush park I'd seen before.

My feet bare, I stepped over the window ledge and onto the green grass. I wandered over to the swing set that had once held me and my fiancé many moons ago. I sat in one of the two seats, looking up at the light blue sky as the sun shone down on me. For the first time in a while, I smiled. An actual, genuine smile.

I felt a presence beside me and looked over to see Ben there. His face was unblurred, and his hazel eyes stared back at me with the grin I fell in love with back in college. My smile faded as tears streamed down my cheeks. I touched his cheek and whispered, "Please don't leave me."

His hand gently touched my own. "I must. It's time to let me go, Kelly."

"But I can't. I need you."

"You don't need me anymore." He smiled at me. "You'll be okay, I promise."

"I love you, Ben."

"And I love you." He planted a soft kiss on my skin, feeling like a feather, before standing up.

I watched him walk off into the distance, disappearing into thin air after a few seconds. I thought my heart would break, but it didn't. I felt the opposite. I felt whole again.

***

I stared out the window of my room, looking down at the courtyard in a different light. It no longer tortured me with something that felt unattainable. Instead, it showed me the bright future I had ahead. I was ready to face the world again and reclaim the time I'd missed.

"Ms. Jameson, your family is here to take you home," my nurse said from behind me.

I turned to her and replied, "Thank you. I'll be right there."

She gave me a curt nod before walking out. I faced the window for the last time, placing my palm against the warm glass. With a light sigh, I turned to grab my bag of belongings and finally left the room that had held me in my darkest times.