The Weight of Lilence

Lying on his bed, Oshadha Bandara began to reflect on all the events that had happened since then, as if the sky were touching the earth. Before marriage, he thought that marriage was a single taste. A love affair filled with sensual pleasures. But marriage now, to put it simply, is bitter, difficult, unpleasant, and always a constant struggle. The crises at home are more numerous than the crises in the country. Although there are many people to give advice, there are no provisions to act accordingly. At home, the first person to give advice is his wife Yvonne. The day her mother came, that advice doubled. Then, not only his wife but also her mother's advice had to be listened to. She came yesterday too. The climax of this reached And then. He was in the hallway reading a book.

'Are you a real fool, Osha… Do other teachers sleep like this in the evenings? Do they tutor? Earn money? What do you do? You tutor about five children once a week and when you come home on other days, you either hold a book and wait… Or you sleep with the book in your hand. The next day after you get your tuition, they say that the money is gone… Why can't you do a little more tuition? I told you about that too. My elder brother's son, Ivan, is also a teacher. He goes to tuition straight after school. He comes and goes in a Prado now. Today is Ivan's daughter's birthday party. I am ashamed to go and stay there today… How many days have I been wearing these clothes?'

Although it was Bandara's habit to remain silent in such situations, this He replied angrily because of the tuition talk.

'You should have tutored… you should have been tutoring if you hadn't been on my body… I came to Colombo from a difficult job to study a little. How can I tutor without a degree? I've committed a crime myself. I'll end up in that jungle.'

'Yes, then you should have stayed with that village girl… Another thing is, do you need a degree to tutor? Just put up a poster with something like B.Sc. PhD and you're done… That's what a lot of people do… Do you need a degree to be a teacher? You put a school teacher on your death notices… Another thing is, these things didn't happen just for my own good. Why did you stay at our house? If you think about it, I'll go and go to my parents'' house. I'm fed up with this life now.''

''So, who is going to catch me? If I get bored with life and come home, it will be a terrible torment. Give'

''Yes, even if it's not like this… these two children don't stay… but if I go, they won't come back'

As Yvonne read more, Bandara's head felt like it was on fire. At such times, he felt as if his head muscles were tightening as he couldn't release the pressure. He got up from his chair and went down to the yard and walked aimlessly along the road to escape this pressure. He had no intention of going anywhere. He only came to his senses when he saw that the city was close to him. He had come in the saree and shirt he had worn to his home in a messy way. He reached into his shirt pocket. There were five hundred rupees and a few greenbacks left from his salary. He felt a great sense of disappointment and shame about life. He looked around. At the same time, his eyes caught sight of the fertilizer and insecticides at the very beginning of the city. It was a mess. A series of thoughts that went up and down from time to time began to fight in his mind. It was better to die than to live like this. He entered the mess with that instant decision.

''What medicine is there for animals to die?''

''Animals to die…what animals…are they not insects or lice…or something else?''

''No…no…yes, yes, this is a medicine for death at once…a few less''

He was at a loss for words.

''Oh, if you buy it cheaply, there are no pesticides now…or All in One is better…the least you can buy is something like Mancozeb''

''Will it kill you''

''Yes, that''s what insecticides are called''

''How much does it cost….no…''

At the same time, Bandara remembered a man who had died from poison. He had seen one like that in the village. As soon as he remembered the pain he had suffered, banging his head on the ground in a daze and snot pouring out of his mouth and nose, Bandara turned back.

''Why not?''

He left the shop as if he hadn't heard it.

''A madman''

He heard that too. He turned back and went another way towards the railway line.

At the same time, he heard the sound of a train. It immediately occurred to him that the easiest way to die was to hang himself in front of a train. Now he had a purpose. At the same time, the first thing that came to mind were his dead parents. Then he remembered his daughter and two sons. The eldest daughter had mortgaged this house owned by Bandara and gone to Italy for a job last month. Both sons were still studying. He felt that he had no affection for him except for their demands. When Yvonne came to his senses, his head started to burn even more.

''Sir, where are you going?''

A girl student who was studying with him came forward. He felt ashamed.

''I came to the shop on my way home''

''There is no shop on that side, sir''

''Is that so, I thought there would be a shop near the railway line''

He heard another train whizzing by. He turned back. When he casually looked back, Bandara saw that the girl was still waiting. Even if he hadn't said it like the salesman at the pesticide shop, she would have thought he was crazy. His idea of ​​dying also didn't work. He hurried home amidst a thousand thoughts, went to his room, and lay on the bed in the same clothes he was wearing. Meanwhile, Yvonne's familiar voice was heard again from inside the house. It wasn't a story, but an accusation. To prevent himself from hearing that voice, he covered his ears with a towel. His head felt like it was going to explode. That terrible