The Weight of Emptiness

A dim light curls around the edges of the blackout curtain tacked to the wall just above the window, it reaches into the room barely illuminating the contents. Birds chirping in the distance and the low hum of a fan breaks any silence there might have been. She lays among the ruffled blankets and lumpy pillows, only her feet dangling off the end, empty eyes fixed on an odd face shaped stain on the ceiling. A chill down her spine breaks the focus, she takes a deep breath as she lazily reaches around the bed until finding her phone. 2:47. AM or PM she didn’t see before tossing it out of reach and onto the floor. A lump forms in her throat, she holds her breath and shuts her eyes until the lump slides back to her chest.

No New Notifications

No emails, no messages, not even a missed call from a spam caller. Her only company is the countless pillows tossed about the room. The energy from her most recent breakdown fading from the room, and now all she wanted was someone to sit with her. She didn’t care who, and they didn’t have to say or do anything, just sit in silence with her. She had messaged everyone she knew and got nothing in return.

No one seemed to cared that she was lost in a dark abyss with no sign of life. Rolling onto her side and clutching the nearest pillow into her chest, her eyes begin to fill up, she takes a shaky deep breath before they have a chance to overflow, because she knows that once a single tear falls she won’t be able to stop the raging river building up just mere inches from the surface. As she takes another slow, deep breath a faint *ding* comes from the other side of the room. As the sound echoes through the still room she hesitates as her thoughts race: It's just an email; Maybe someone finally answered me; It's probably unimportant.

As she jumped perilously from thought to thought another *ding* silenced them. She inhaled through her nose until her lungs were full and the room was empty, she drew in the final tiniest bit of air for good measure. As she released the air back into the room she gathered the motivation to move. Her body paused for another moment refusing to listen to the command before reluctantly rolling onto her back and using every ounce of strength to slide off the bed onto the floor and over to the location of the dings. She reaches for the phone, which is barely within reach, and pulls it closer to her. Stalling now, not wanting to bring her fears to life, not wanting to see another screen void of life. Already prepared for possible disappointment before finally looking at the notification tab:

From Matt: Sorry I was at work

From Matt: Wanna go get food?

Staring at the screen she still feels empty. Someone actually replied to her cry for help but it wasn't what she hoped for. She hoped someone would race over to her house to comfort her and hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay now that they where there. She wanted someone, anyone, to care for her the way she cares for them, but she's never had that luck in life. She hasn't eaten all day, she's not hungry, but she tells herself she needs to eat.

To Matt: Yes! I'm starved

After pressing send she continues staring at the screen until it times out and leaves her staring at her reflection. She stares into her tired eyes for just a second longer before squeezing them shut and forcing herself up from the floor. Without turning on a light or opening the curtain, she exchanges her pajamas for her comfiest pair of worn jeans and an oversized t-shirt. Gathering all the things she needs to face the world outside her refuge, she stops at the door. Closing her eyes and taking a final deep breath she drives her negative emotions down and walks out the door, leaving everything but her smile locked safe behind the door.