The Void

I often lie awake at night staring into the Void above. I imagine I'm one with the darkness and let it consume me. This is the only time I consider my own: the only place where I can find happiness. Ever since I can remember it's been this way for me. Well, since you left it has been. Sometimes... on the nights when sleep never comes I know that I am the Void and everything else I think I am is a lie. It all just fades into the past as I become nothing here and now.

"Yes, you do. You have been finding your truth in those moments. Now it is time for you to realize it fully."

What?!

Who?

Are you… her?

"I am, and I am not."

...

I don't understand.

"You will. Please, continue."

…

Years ago, decades before I was born, the Void didn't exist. There was something else in it's place. It was called "Sky," and it circled the earth as it extended into infinity. Apparently it was beautiful. During the day it was said to have been blew, then at night it was as black as the Void but filled with tiny sparkling lights. There are many stories about Sky: stories about water falling from it, animals who could swim in it, and rivers of green, pink, perple, and orange that flowed through it as well.

I don't believe any of the stories though. I've never met anybody sane who claimed to have seen things like green and pink (Whatever those are: colors? I think that's the word). I know for a fact blew doesn't exist and never did. Right now the wind blows, but yesterday it blew. Yesterday is gone though. It doesn't exist. If yesterday doesn't exist, then blew doesn't exist. Any fool should be able to figure this out. I did, and I'm nothing special. And how could something made of water just float above the earth?! Water doesn't float. I've seen it myself. It just rolls along the ground until it finds a place to puddle.

And then colors. Collars? Cullers? No, definitely colors. They're all lies: yello, orange, red, green, blew, vilet, indigo, blah, blah, blah. Nothing but lies! All lies perpetuated by those in power to distract us with tales of unfathomable beauty and keep us under their thumb. There is only black like the Void and then not black, which comes from the light the Void gives us during the day. It's a faint glow that comes from everywhere in the Formless Void at once: just enough to see what's not black. The Void feels eternal. I have no doubt it has always existed, and Sky is just another lie. But why this lie? People can be manipulated in many ways.

"They can be. Don't be so sure you haven't been manipulated yourself… Perhaps not even by others."

What does that mean? Am I lying to myself?

"Are you?"

…

Maybe...

They say we can bring Sky back by building their machines. They say it's our fault Sky left and took most of the life on earth with it. There are even more stories about why it happened than there are about Sky itself. Some of them say it was war. Others say it's a punishment from some god or another for not respecting Sky. Some say it was the earth who caused it by spewing fire, smoke, and toxic gas, until Sky was so poisoned it died, and it was us who poisoned the earth so badly it did so. Those same people say the earth is dying as well. I don't know which (if any) of these stories are true, but I know people. I've seen how we treat that which we say we love. I have no doubt that it was man who took Sky from man and earth alike.

"You are correct in this assumption."

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I know you already know it all. You were the one who told it to me in the first place, but I'm glad you're listening. I love and miss you so much.

"Love is eternal. As is the void."

...

Apparently, around the time Sky left us some people climbed into giant tube machines with rocket engines and shot themselves into the void. Most everybody I know believes they left in search of Sky hoping to bring it back, but I think they're wrong. I think those men who built those rocket tubes and shot off into the Void are the same ones who started the wars or poisoned the earth. I think they left earth to find another place where they could do it all over again, but I don't think they made it. I used to hope they all died... not for my sake but for everybody else's. I love the Void, but it seems to be a constant source of suffering for the rest of us left here.

I don't understand why though. What was so great about Sky? How do we even know it really existed? I can't tell the stories from the lies anymore. Were there more animals than there are now? Is that why people want Sky back? So that we have more life on this planet? This doesn't make sense to me. The only animals we have now are for food. Rats, cats, spiders, beetles, roaches: all food. All delicious and plentiful food. Why do we need more? Beetle juice is amazing!

Hmmmmm…

Maybe there's more to it.

"Again, you are correct."

I did see what I thought was another animal once, shortly after you left me. Or maybe it was a dream? It was so beautiful I couldn't imagine the thought of eating it. It had four legs and was tall: taller than the tallest man I've ever seen. It had long hair flowing from its head and neck as well as a tail made of hair. It glowed too! In a way that reminded me of the Void during the day. I think it was glowing anyway. I could have been mistaken. The creature was VERY not black. It was whatever the opposite of black is.

I remembered a story you told me once about a unicorn, and in my heart I knew that's what I had seen. I told people about the unicorn. They mocked and scorned me, called me a liar, belittled me. It was right after you left. That's when I found solace in the Void…

"Do you think this to be coincidence?"

…

…

…

Was that you I saw?!

Were you the unicorn?!

Of course that was you!

I see so clearly now! That's why I drew the picture of it and put it in the locket you gave me: in the piece of the heart opposite the picture of you. I know now you were the unicorn, but I can't remember who you were before. Were you my mother? My sister? You were so young and beautiful: much younger than I am now. All I can remember is the love we shared, and how painful that loss was.

"As I said earlier: love is eternal. Nothing was lost. You only imagined it was."

I know you didn't leave on purpose. That's why you came back. You had to guide me to the Void. I've been so lost for so long without you. I couldn't understand why things happened the way they did, but everything just changed. This clarity you've given me is so profound... so beautiful.

This is the first time I've gazed into your eyes since the moment before you left. I don't really know why it took me so many years to open this locket to speak to you. I was so afraid, but at this instant I can't even remember what I was afraid of.

I see myself through your eyes now.

I see you are the Void, and I know that I too am the Void.

My soul is reflected in yours and everything else.

We are all one.

All of this suffering we perpetuate is a result of us denying who we are.

We seek Sky, a past that may or may not have existed, a future that is different from right now.

Well, I tell you this: I will no longer seek. I will no longer deny my truth. I will embrace the void like never before.

And I will simply be… eternal