The Tangled Synaptic Collapse

“Are you going somewhere?”

“No, I was just putting the keys in my purse.”

“Your purse?”

“Yes. I was putting the keys in it.”

“That’s my purse. Don’t get into my purse.”

“I’m sorry. I was just putting the keys in it.”

“You said you were putting the keys in your purse. That’s my purse. Why are you saying it is yours?”

“It was just a mistake. I was putting the keys in the purse.”

“My purse.”

“Yes, your purse. I put the keys in your purse.”

“What did you take out?”

“What?”

“What did you take out of my purse?”

“Nothing. I put the keys in it. “

“No, you didn’t. You took something out. You wouldn’t put your keys in my purse! What did you take?”

“I didn’t take anything. I put the keys in the – in your purse. That’s all.”

“Don’t!”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Mom, I’m not lying. I just put the keys in your purse.”

“Stop!! Don’t call me Mom! I’m not your mom. I have a name!”

“Sorry, I didn’t know that upset you.”

“It’s not right. When the kids do it, that's okay. It's wrong for you to call me Mom.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? You’re sorry you have to listen to me? Or because you have to use my name? You’re a sorry – “

“I’m sorry it upsets you - when I call you Mom. So, I should use your name?”

“Of course. Use my name! I’m not your mom.”

“Okay. I will. I’m sorry. DO you want me to call you Claudia, Ms. Claudia, or Mrs. Ramsey?”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t want to upset you. I’m just trying to – “

‘Then why would you ask me such a thing? You are trying to upset me. Treat me with some dignity. Treat me with some respect.”

“I will, Mrs. Ramsey, I’m sorry.”

“Mrs. Ramsey? Mrs. Ramsey! Why would you do that? You are trying to upset me. You are trying to distance yourself from me.”

”No, I’m not. I just thought – “

“Give me my purse! Now! Take your keys, and give me my purse! Don’t zip it. I can do that. You are trying to hide something. What did you take out of my purse?”

“I didn’t take anything. “

“Give it to me! Let me see what you did. What you took. “

“I didn’t take anything.”

“Take your keys. Let go of my purse. “

“I’m sorry. I was just going to zip it, so nothing fell out.”

“I am still capable of opening and closing a purse without your help. You treat me like I’m an idiot! I’m not stupid. “

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. You aren’t an idiot. “

“Why didn’t you close it? Get back! Look what you’ve done. Stop! Don’t pick it up. It’s mine! It’s mine! I know what you are trying to do. Don’t take my things! Get back. “

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t touch a thing.”

“Where is my wallet? What did you do? It’s gone. You took my money – everything. Where are my pictures? What did you do? Where is my wallet? Where is my purse? “

“I thought that was your purse. I’m sorry.”

“No. No, you didn’t. You stole it. This is not mine and you know it. What did you do with my things? Whose purse is this?”

“I didn’t do anything. It’s my purse.”

“Your purse? Your purse! You are saying this is your purse?”

“Yes. If you want it – if you need it – you can have it. We can put your things in it so you will have a purse.”

“I don’t want someone else’s purse. Whose purse is it?

‘’It’s mine, Mom.”

“Don’t call me Mom. Don’t – just don’t!”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Why do you you doing this to me?”

“I don’t know. It’s my purse. See. That’s my wallet. Open it. You’ll see my license.”

“This isn’t yours. You don’t carry a purse! Men don’t carry purses! “

“I know they don’t. “

“This is not a man’s wallet. “

“Let’s not worry about the purse.”

Oh, isn’t that convenient? You don’t want to talk about taking my things or this purse that isn’t mine. You expect me to just forget it.”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Yes! Yes, you are! I never thought you would become this. You are a sorry person. What are you trying to do to me?”

“I’m not. I'm here to visit.”

“No! Give me those keys. You wanted them in the purse. Give them to me. I’ll put them in the purse.”

“Ok.”

“Whose purse is it?”

“I thought it was mine. Check inside and look at the license.”

“Stop patronizing me! You don’t carry a purse. And this – this wallet isn’t a man’s wallet. Why do you do this to me? You just want to hurt me. It’s a woman’s purse. It’s a woman’s wallet. It’s not yours. Why are you doing this?”

“Read the license.”

“No. You just want to rub it in my face. Why are you trying to hurt me?”

“I’m not.”

“Who do you think you are? You’re so god-damned calm, just sitting there. You just sit there like I’m some kind of an idiot. Who do you think you are? Are you going to answer me? Or is this funny to you? Who do you think you are – “

“Who do you think I am?”

“What?”

“Who do you think I am?”

‘I don’t know you anymore. I know who you once were. Now you’re a bad person – mean and spiteful. I know who you were before you started going to San Diego. And before her. And before all those business meetings and the conventions and the waitresses. I know who you were before that.”

“Who was I?”

“Damn you. Why are you doing this to me? Don’t just sit there like I’m just an annoyance. An annoyance like a mosquito! You’d like that. You could just kill me and no one would know – kill the insignificant pest. Talk to me. Look me in the eyes and tell me why. At the very least, I deserve that. I know you can’t wait to get out of here. I know. I know you don’t love me anymore.”

“I love you.”

“NO! Don’t say that to me. Don’t use those words.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t lie. You wouldn’t do this if you loved me. What happened to you? Christ! What happened? Why did you do this? You can sit down and act all calm – like you are watching a show. Enjoy me falling apart. Enjoy me hurting. Are you listening? Do you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“It’s sick You are sick. You are enjoying this. You like hurting me. After all these years. We were family. You loved me. Why do you hate me now?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You do! You do! I don’t know what happened to you. You were always so kind. You played music from your porch. You walked me to school. “

“Oh.”

“What?”

“I didn’t realize I was him.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry.”

Shut up. You can’t just suddenly think, ‘Oh my goodness. I forgot I was your husband.’ You bastard.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? Why aren’t you talking?”

“I am just tired. I’m sorry. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“You’re tired? You’re too tired to talk, but you can go out to dinner and see your friends? No! Tell me what I’ve done.”

“I can’t.”

“You won’t! You just can’t wait to leave and get away from me. Why are you doing this? What did I do to you? You can’t even look at me. You know it. You know what you’re doing, and you are enjoying it.”

“No. No. I am not.”

“Then why don’t you talk to me. Why do you just sit there like this is some kind of sick show you’re watching? Why don’t you tell me what I’ve done? Where did you go? What are you going to do with me? When you are leaving.”

“I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“I’m not leaving. I’m right here. I love you.”

“Don’t lie. Don’t pretend. You don’t need to put on a show for me. Don’t act like you’re crying.”

“I am.”

“No. No. You aren’t! What do you have to cry about? You have what you want, and now you can get rid of me! Don’t pretend you’re crying. You aren’t – Don’t act like you have tears. Oh, poor you! You have to listen to me going berserk. Is that what you tell everyone? Is that why no one ever comes? You have told them I’m crazy!”

“No.”

“Liar. That’s why no one comes to see me. You have made up a lie. You are telling people things about me that aren’t me. You don’t care. You hate me. You don’t love me.”

“I do.”

“No. I don’t even know you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? You are! You are a sorry, sorry man! Just go. Go! LEAVE NOW!”

“I will be right back. But - I need my keys.”

“No. Those are not your keys. They are her keys. She can come get her keys. She can come get her purse. You just leave. That’s what you want. You want to get away from me as fast as you can. So go.”

“Ok. But I can’t go anywhere without keys.”

“No. No. No. You don’t touch them. You stay away from my purse. These are my keys.”

“I didn’t think those were your keys. I will go.”

‘Don’t confuse me. I know this purse. It’s mine. Leave. You know you want to. Just go already! Go! “

“I won’t be gone long. “

“Don’t lie. I know you are leaving. You’re happy to go! You won’t be back!”

“I’ll be back. I love you.”

“No! No! No! NO! What is – Why? Why is this in the purse?”

“What?”

‘This. Mattie’s wallet. Did she take my purse?”

“I’m Ma– I, I don’t know.”

“This isn’t my purse. I think she took my purse. She will need this.”

“Yes.”

“I need to call her.”

“I can take it to her.”

“What?”

“I can take it to her.”

“How?”

“ I can drive and take it to Mattie.”

“How do you know where she is?”

“I can find her.”

“How do you know Mattie?”

“What?”

“How do you know her? Why do you say you can find her?”

“I think I can.”

“You don’t know her. Shes my daughter. You don’t know her. I need to call her. She left me here, and forgot her purse. I need to call her before she is too far away. She might not know how to come back.“

“Ok.”

‘Where’s my phone.”

“I can call her.”

“No, I don’t know her number. It’s on my phone!”

‘I know it. I will call her.”

‘You don’t know her. She’s my daughter. You don’t know her. You don’t.”

"But I have her number in my phone.”

‘Why?”

“I think you gave it to me.”

“Why would I do that? I don’t know you. You are trying to trick me. I wouldn’t give her number to you because you – “

“I think it was for emergencies.”

“No, I didn’t give it to you.”

“Look. See. It is Mattie’s number.”

‘No. You are tricking me. Why do you do this? Who are you? Did you do something to Mattie? Did you make her go away and leave me here? “

“No.’

“Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Help! Help! He’s trying to hurt me.”

“No one is going to hurt you. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m leaving.”

‘Where’s my phone? I – I – I don’t know this place. Why did that man - that man – why did he take me. He’s going to hurt me. He’s – He’s going to do something - to hurt us. Shhhh. Shhhhh! Kids! Listen. You were so good. You were so quiet. Oh, even the baby. The baby didn’t make any noise. You all were so quiet. You’re so smart. He didn’t know you were there. Do not cry now. No, quiet still. Go in the basement quietly. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I have to find Mattie. She was my daughter - I think he killed her. Be quiet. He is going to come back - where is he now – the man is bad. We will leave. Dark. Wait for dark. Wait. Why is it so cold - . Kids? Where are you? No. I don’t know this place. I don’t know this place. I want to go home. Where is everyone? I don’t know this place.”

“Oh! Who’s there? Oh. I didn’t see you there. It’s too dark. Who are you?

“It’s me. I told you I would come back?”

“Mattie?’

“Yes, Mom! I’m so glad to see you!”

“Mattie! Are you crying? Did someone hurt you? I lost the children.”

‘It’s okay, Mom. I’m here.”

“It’s, okay?”

“Yes. Everything is okay.”

“Oh.”

“Come. Come here.”

“I’m scared. I don’t know this place.”

“I know. I’m here. “

“Are there children hiding here?”

“No, Mom. Everything is okay. I’ll hold you. You are safe. I love you.”

“Mattie?”

“Yes.”

“It’s you? Really?

“Yes, Mom, it’s me.”

It’s you?”

“Yes. Mom. I’m Mattie. I’m here. You are safe.”

“Mattie? Mattie, I thought - There was a man – Is there a man?

“No, Mom. No man is here..”

“I thought – I think I was lost, Mattie. You didn’t go anywhere, did you?”

“No, Mom. I didn’t go anywhere. I was here. I am always here. I won’t leave you.”

“It wasn’t a man. Oh, Mattie. Was it you? It was you? Was it you? Oh, I was so mean to you. I thought – I thought – “

“It’s okay, Mom. I knew you didn’t know and you were scared. I’m here. Don’t worry.”

“But Mattie.”

“It’s okay, Mom. I love you.”

“But Mattie – you know what is going to happen?”

“Kind of. But I will be right here. You won’t be alone. I love you, Mom.”

“Mattie. I’m so sorry. “

“It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not, Mattie. What did I say? Did I hurt you? “

“Mom. It’s okay. I love you. I knew what was happening. You didn’t hurt me.”

“Did I hit you?”

“No.”

“You’d tell me the truth, wouldn’t you?”

“I always tell you the truth.”

“Did I do something bad to you?”

” No, I’m okay.”

“Did I say awful things to you? I think I did.”

“Mom, you didn’t say anything awful to me. You thought I was someone else. It’s okay now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Mattie.”

“Mom.”

“Mattie. My brain.”

“Yes.”

“My brain, Mattie. Is that it? I’m stupid.”

“You are not stupid. You are smart. You are so smart.”

“I don’t feel smart. I don’t act smart anymore.”

“Your brain has something wrong and makes you see and think things. But it’s okay now. I’m always here.”

“But I didn’t know you were here.”

“No, but I was. And I know you and I love you.”

“I love you, too. Will you stay here?”

“Yes.”

“Can we go home?”

“Not yet.”

“Will I ever go home?”

“I hope so. There’s medicine that might help.”

“But it might not.”

“But it might.”

“I don’t want you to have to take care of me. Leave me. Go.”

“No. Never. I love you. I will be here with you.”

“Oh God, Mattie. I remember.”

“Do you?”

“I remember what it is. It’s dementia. Right, Mattie?”

“Yes. It’s dementia. But it doesn’t change anything. I love you, Mom. I’m here. We don’t have to talk. Let’s sit and rest together. Let’s talk about happy things.”

“I remember some happy things. Can I?”

“Yes. Yes you can. You had two brothers. Do you remember Frank?”

“Oh, yes. It’s funny! I remember when Frank wouldn’t eat his oatmeal. Oh, he was stubborn. He was in a highchair, and he would just stare at the oatmeal. Mama told him had to eat – what was it?”

“Oatmeal?”

“Yes. He couldn’t get out of the chair until he ate his oatmeal. He was so stubborn.”

“Did he eat his oatmeal?”

“No! I’d come home from school for lunch, and he’d still be sitting there. I don’t know if he ever ate it, or if Mama just gave up. But, when I came home in the afternoon, he would be out of the chair!”

“That’s stubborn, alright.”

“You knew that story, didn’t you? I’ve told you that. I’m sorry.”

“I love hearing it. It makes me happy. You once told me about one of your cousins’ birthdays. I think it was a first birthday, and something happened.”

“Oh, yes! Oh, it was such a big deal! The first baby. The first girl! -- Mattie, you know this story.”

“I like to hear it every time.”

“Mattie. I love you. I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to take care of me.”

“I don’t have to, Mom. I want to.”

“If it gets too bad, will you leave please?”

“No.”

“Please.”

“Never. I love you.”

“I love you, Mattie. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“I thank you for such a fun and happy life. I love you.”

“Please remember me like that – not like this.”

“That’s all I will remember – that’s what I remember now. “

“Is it called Lewy Body?”

“Yes, Lewy Body Dementia.”

“Who was it? Someone famous – someone we liked so much. Who had it?”

“Robin Williams.”

“Oh. Yes. I remember. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

“But, Mattie, can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything, Mom.”

“I know why Robin Williams did it.”