The Summer I Pretended...

She sat on the bench at the shore of the lake looking out at the horizon.

You could tell she was in deep thought.

Every now and then you could see a slight shift at the corner of her mouth as she smiled.

I often wondered what thought just came across her mind as her face lit up.

You could see the sunshine pop up through the clouds out in the distance.

I am often reminded of that hot summer day, when I take a look at myself in the mirror.

It reminds me of the Summer I pretended.... but I was not okay!

Each week I went out to meet with a group of women for our weekly walk at a local park.

Each week a new destination, a journey to be had, and new discoveries awaiting us.

We saw deer, ducks, flowers, and butterflies.

We took pictures of the water and selfies full of smiles.

We got to know each other that Summer, sharing our life's stories and adventures.

But no one really knew the intensity of the pain I was desperately trying to hide.

I tried venturing out to a family get together, or events out in the community.

And yet I painted the smile on and that Summer I kept pretending... But I was not okay!

With each trip to the grocery store, or visit with a friend, I'd stare out into the distance.

I'd try to listen, but found at times I really was not there.

It's hard to build connections when you have so much going through your mind.

And yet I'd nod my head and smile.

As if everything was alright.

All the while holding things in that slowly were draining my spirit.

I've learned over decades of dealing with pain and sadness.

It only tears you up more inside when you try to hide it.

But what's the alternative...

Nobody wants to hear you complaining...

Nobody wants to hear your problems...

No, not really.

After all, we all deal with things on a daily basis.

You never truly know what others are going through.

I have gotten so good at hiding what is really going on with me.

It is as if I have faded away in the background.

I no longer venture out like I used to.

I no longer hangout with friends.

At times, I make excuses not to visit with family.

I isolate, stay at home, and keep to myself.

This is my life story... Everything looks better from farther away!

If you would get up close directly to my life, and pull it apart to inspect it at the seams.

Then you would see the horrific site that I tend to see every day.

Over the years I have gotten good at masking the flaws

Putting up the holes

Spackling the outer walls.

The Summer I pretended... But I Was Not Okay!

I learned a lot along the way. About who I was and who I wanted to be each and every day!

And now when I think back to that day when I was sitting on the bench at the shore of the Lake.

Looking off into the distance across the horizon.

When I had that look like I was deep in thought.

And every now and then a slight shift at the corner of my mouth appeared as I would start to smile.

The thought that just came across my mind as my face lit up…

It was of a Summer where I didn’t have to pretend…

It was a Summer where I was Finally Okay!!!