The Sparrow Falls

[Chapter 1]

The Mercedes was just pulling out of the driveway. This time on a ten-week trip. My brother and myself watched as it backed into the side street, switched to drive, and pulled away. He'd only been home four days, but those days were beautiful. He told us stories of all the adventures and how he helped a whole town of people, by treating them for…. was it malaria this time or maybe cholera? He was a great doctor and an excellent story teller. We had spent hours staying up late laughing and he listened intently to everything I had to say. He took us to the zoo and told us of all the animals then ice cream after. We also went to the space museum because my brother. He'd read to us, and make sure to tell us he loves us every night before we fell asleep. The agony of seeing him go was only lessened by knowing he would return, and it would be just as wonderful all over again.

When I turned from the window my first tear of missing him flowed down my cheek. It was then my mom called out, "Regina, John, get down here and do the dishes. I'm not telling you again."

I wiped my face and plodded down the stairs. John was there filling the sink, standing on the stool, with gloves up past his elbows.

"You dry and put away, Reggie." John said

I mumbled an affirmation and picked up the towel and the first dish when it went into the strainer.

Mom's TV stories came from the other room.

It would be 5 weeks until school began back, and I would be a sophomore. My brother LJ was in the third grade even though he was 10. LJ stands for little John because of his size. He was even small for a 3rd grader. He was also slow. He wasn't retarded or autistic he just had a hard time with all learning. Every night I'd help him review his school work. Some days it seemed he got it, other days it was beyond him.

I was looking forward to school, John was not.

When we finished I wiped the counter and table while John swept the floor. That was always a thing we had to do after dishes.

"Done ma.". I said toward the armchair facing the TV.

"Come here!". Mom demanded.

As I walked in I saw why she was upset. Her plate and cup we're sitting by the armchair. I reached forward to get the offending articles when I felt the familiar sting to the back if my head as her hand collided.

" Done with dishes 'cept these, liar."

I showed John the dishes when I went back to the kitchen and rolled my eyes toward my brother. He smirked and put a little soap in the sink to finish the last.

I woke the next morning with a panic, I had overslept and heard mom yelling at LJ. I also heard LJ crying. I ran into his room and mom was standing over him with one of her belts dangling from her hand. LJ was as small as possible with hands over his head sobbing. Several red marks on his arms showed what was happening and a large wet spot in the middle of LJ's bed showed why.

I usually got up early enough to help LJ change his sheets and run the laundry before mom noticed.

"Mom" I said questioning but loud enough to be heard above her yelling.

She turned to me with fire waiting for why I interrupted.

"Johnny doesn't mean it, he can't help it." I whined.

" He'll learn to help it, lazy boy, can't even pee in the bathroom."

" No mom, he's just a heavy sleeper"

" You, mouthing me, Regina?"

The belt swung and caught me on the arm. I was used to it, and knew I had to take some welts for LJ or he'd end up in the hospital again or worse.

"No, mom"

The strap caught me in the thigh this time hard enough to welt.

I had stopped crying from my beatings 2 years ago. That time I was supposed to stop by the store on my way home from school and get some toilet paper we were out of. That was when LJ got into a fight with another kid and I stayed late talking to his teacher and the principal. If I had stopped at the store I would have been home later which meant a beating. If I didn't stop by the store it would mean a beating. I chose. I learned to grit my teeth to not scream, to block the pain so I wouldn't cry.

Today I got about 10 slaps with the belt, mostly on my back and thigh. Nothing I couldn't hide. It may be uncomfortable to sit on any hard surface for a few days. I changed LJ's sheets and ran the load of laundry.

I got dressed and went with mom to church where she was the gleaming social debutante.

" Praise God, this" and "Bless his name, that"

It was pretty much the only time she left the chair that was pointed at the TV. I don't think anyone at church suspected this 5 foot 2 inch 90 lb woman to beat anyone physically especially her kids. If I had told anyone they'd have probably laughed at the picture of it in their mind.

I was in the youth group and hung out with some of the other girls. We talked about the usual stuff, but all superficial. When people ask, "how are you?" No one really cares to know you have fresh bruises on you from the beating your mom gave you that morning. I didn't hang out with these girls at school. They were in their own cliques and I was in mine. It was only in and around church we socialized.

LJ was usually drawing all through Sunday school and church. He liked landscapes the best but wasn't very good. Every week though he'd have 2 fresh pictures for the refrigerator. One from Sunday school and one from church. I kept them all to show Daddy who would marvel at how great they were and how talented LJ was.

When we got home from church I cooked dinner and ate with me and LJ at the table and mom in front of the TV.

Monday I made sure to get up early enough to save LJ and myself.

School started and I woke up early and put on my new outfit. It was a sleeveless purple blouse with a slim skirt, and I had some good accessories for it. I looked at myself in the mirror making sure no marks were obvious and, satisfied, went to check on LJ. He whined and resisted, but eventually I got him ready and we walked to the bus stop. We rode the same bus. I usually got off the bus when LJ did and made sure he went in, and then I'd walk the three blocks to my school.

In home room the usual cast was there with three new kids. Billy Briggs had just moved to the area after his parent’s divorce. His mom, with custody, moved in with her parents who lived on Grave street. Gordon Hecks' s dad had just got a job with the sewer division. Amy Kennedy came in from Ohio because her mom was made a manager at the grocery store.

Mrs Laramie, the teacher, had us break into study groups of three.

"These will be your study groups for the year, and then we will change it up. When you come in you will sit with your study group. Get into your groups now and get to know each other. If you do not have your class list come up and see me. If you don't have your locker, see me. If you need something else, see me. Today will be open so we can get anyone who needs it caught up."

As soon as Mrs Laramie was done she nodded to go ahead and everyone began getting into groups. Several students lined up at her desk. I looked around and soon caught the eyes of Gordon who smiled and gestured with his head to head his way. As I did Jamie, a school friend I had known a few years, latched to my side and we had our group. Gordon had short, blonde, spiked hair, and thick glasses. He usually wore a collard shirt with khaki pants. His smile was honest and genuine. His confidence in the new school seemed attractive.

" Hi, I'm Regina, welcome to Miller High. This is Jamie. Where ya from?"

"We moved from Treemont last month. Dad's working in the water treatment division. Where do you two live?"

"I'm on Davis street," Jamie offered", and Regina is on Oak"

I glanced at Jamie. We weren't really close enough to know where each other lived, and she didn't ride my bus to know where it stopped. Oh well, somehow she knew.

" What's to do in Millersville. I really haven't had a chance to look around yet."

"It depends on what you like" I responded "Cheerleaders and jocks hang out behind the gym. Brains usually at the library, and others have their little areas."

"What do you two do?" Gordon asked

Jamie pipped in, "I'm at the movies Fridays and Saturdays. Regina takes care of her brother a lot so she's at home"

Once again I eyed Jamie. I didn't know where she got her info from, but it was spot on and scarey.

" You went to Treemont high last year?" I asked

"Yea, "

"Do we play them in sports?" I offered my ignorance

"Yea," Jamie sounded. " We beat them in football almost every time, but they win basketball mostly."

Well, at least her knowing stuff is all stuff, and not just my personal information.

"What you do in Treemont? For fun I mean?"

"I usually went to the mall and hung with some friends at the food court."

" Cool," I said

" Regina, Gordon, Jamie." Mrs Laramie called from her desk above the din of chatting students

"Yes, Mrs Laramie?" I responded

" This is Billy, he dosent have a group yet, and all other groups have three. Do you mind having a group of four?"

"Sure, Mrs Laramie" I gave in.

Soon we were filling in Billy with our names and catching him up on the conversation. He Had brown hair, a shirt from some band I had heard of, but didn't know and jeans. His eyes though we're light and piercing blue. I melted when he looked into me, or my eyes. I'm pretty sure Jamie did the same.

Soon the bell rang, and I visited my locker on my way to Math for second period. At Math class Gordon was there.

"Hi," I said as I slid to the seat next to him.

In all that day I had 4 periods with Gordon. Home (which was study hall) Math, English and History. Gym was separate for girls and boys, and the only class I didn't have with him that Monday was science. I learned he had band those days. And did science on my odd days. Jamie and Billy, we're in odd classes for most everything. I did have gym with Jamie.

When I picked up LJ at the end of school, he was smiling which was surprising.

"I have Mr Lewis again."

Mr Lewis seemed to have a level of insite with LJ that was amazing. I smiled as well with this information. I think LJ would have passed his first trip through third grade that year he had Mr Lewis had it not been for that fight. We boarded the bus and went home.

When we got there mom must've had a hard day without us. She yelled while I cooked and for dessert, we were sent to bed with beatings for us both. Dad's return was 5 weeks. I cried, not from the beating, but because I missed him.

Tuesday I was looking froward to my new study group of friends. I had to wear long sleeves though after moms beating even though it was still August. I put on my best smile of everything's great and boarded the bus.

In our study group Gordon was taking charge. He was very organized. He had reviewed the syllabus and plotted the tests and quizzes on a calendar to be shared.

"We should do a study session the evening before every test. We can meet at my house." Gordon offered.

I agreed, and really wanted to go, but I knew I wasn't going to get to because that would mean leaving LJ alone with mom and that's how he went to the hospital that time.

"..so, my house on the 12th at 7. " Gordon finished saying.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Anything else?" Gordon asked

"I got somthin" said Jamie."Can you all go see The Hammer with me Friday? I was wanting to see it, but Tommy has some family thing to do, and Eddie is seeing Creapers with Jenn. They'll probably make out through most of it anyway. I don't want to sit next to that."

"I'm free" Billy said, and I thought I saw Jamie's smile broaden 3 more inches.

"I can go" Gordon said, and they all turned to me to see what I'd say.

"I can't." I looked down at Gordon's shoes trying to think of a good lie 'cause "my mom would probably kill my brother " dosen't sound rational. "I gotta watch my brother, my mom's going out with some church friends."

Mom doesn't have friends except ones that are on the flat screen.

"I'm sorry, Regina. I was hoping it'd be the four of us. "Jamie said

Yea, I thought, you want Gordon and I to connect so you could connect with Billy.

With 4 classes it already seemed like life was tilted toward me and Gordon. He wasn't bad, but he wasn't blue eyes that makes you tingle.

"I'll do it next time" I offered knowing it to probably be a lie.

The bell rang and Gordon walked with me to Math which is where I found he played trombone in band and had been playing for two years.

"Ill look for you a the next band performance."

I said

"It won't be for another 4 months. We started on a few easy pieces for the games, but we have about a dozen Christmas songs to learn already.

"Games?" I asked

"The football games. Band has to do halftime. You really aren't with it on school functions?"

"I just don't care. It seems like a lot of fuss for something that won't be anything after high school."

I kinda wanted to care but knew life wouldn't allow it. I wanted to have a normal high school life and make friends and boyfriends and do all those things every high school romance movie said we should. But life, my life, wasn't meant to be that. The role I'd been given was a buffer for an abusive parent, a parent to a slow brother, a caretaker to a woman who's given up in life, and a lonely daughter who wanted her dad.

I stifled a tear, and walked into math.

[Chapter 2]

My calendar in my room kept track if dad's return every day I marked off another looking for September 20th pining away when Dad would be home again and everything would be good for a few days. I could be 15 and not doing everything around the house like a married 31-year-old housewife. Even mom straightened up when Dad was home. She wasn’t like the church mom with "glory" and "amen" coming from her lips. She'd cook and clean asking for our help at times and dad would usually do the dishes as well assist where he could. It was like a family. Friday night when Dad was home it was cookout night no matter the weather outside. Dad would lite the grill and cook everything: meat, veggies, even rice could be put on a side burner.

Last year when Dad was home the rain was came pouring just after he had lit the grille. He stood out there with an umbrella and cooked barbeque chicken and grilled fries and grilled brussel sprouts.

I ate a few of the brussel sprouts, but they weren't my favorite. Everything was perfect as if the sky wasn't trying to put out the grille.

The study session at Gordon's house came and went, and I didn't attend. I ended with a C for that test. Gordon and Jamie got an A, but Billy got a B. They tried to get me to their next study session. I agreed, but, once again, knew it wouldn't happen.

The next week I was talking to Mr. Lewis about LJ and asking about what mom could do to help him. Mr. Lewis understood that mom was busy between 1 and 6 with her side job and couldn't meet after school. Also, he understood that I relayed all of this information directly to mom. LJ had got his first B of third grade and he was doing ok for this third go around. I stopped by a store and got an ice cream treat for LJ as a reward and had him eat it quickly before we arrived back at home.

At home mom was in a tizzy. She was expecting us back by 4 and now, almost 5, she began firing questions about what we were doing. LJ knew to keep quiet about the ice cream, and I tried to explain that John's teacher wanted to talk with me to give her the news that John was doing better.

"Two years and this idiot can't muster a C and you mean to tell me he got a B. Liar?" Mom accused." You've been off spending our money ain't you?"

I knew I was in for it. Now she'd count the cash I had, see the money missing for the ice cream, and beat us again.

Although dad handled the bills mom got some money for clothes and food and other stuff. I did the shopping, so I'd get some of the money, but it was watched. Sometimes I could hide it if I had time. Not this time.

The first swing with her belt was a surprise as I was picking up my backpack. It caught me on my ear and burned its leather down my cheek. The others were on my back as I turned to take the beating. LJ confessed to the ice cream watching me being beat and got 5 lashes himself for not fessing up earlier.

The next day I wore my hair down over my right cheek. When study group saw it I quickly blamed it on my curling iron.

"Regina, what's really happening." Gordon pried, while walking to math, but I wouldn't relent.

"I got the curling iron hot and went to curl my hair and stuck it to my cheek like a dumbass. " It'll be fine in a couple days.

Gordon didn't say anything else and dropped it.

Jamie and Billy seemed to accept the curling iron story.

September 18th and it was a Sunday. The mark on my cheek was covered with make up and we were glowing Christians again. The day before I had a talk with LJ, and he was looking forward to daddy's visit in two days as well. We had finished dinner and the dishes. LJ was playing in his room and I walked in to put away some laundry.

"LJ, you know daddy's coming home on Tuesday?"

"Uh, huh," he responded," is he going to take us away from here?"

" What do you mean?" I said perplexed.

" When Daddy was here last he said some day he'd take us with him and we could be a family, all together and happy."

This was new to me. Dad had never mentioned something changing.

"When did he say that?"

" He didn't give a day he just said, 'someday'"

"No, LJ, when did he tell you this."

" When he was here last when you were in the kitchen with mom."

I remembered being in the kitchen baking cookies with mom. Like I said, dad had a changing effect on her, like we got along and I wasn't a parasite in her life.

"I wish dad would take us away...from her."

I had said the last bit out loud but as a deep thought but not meant to be heard, but John heard it.

"She's not bad with Dad around. I think she misses dad like we do. She doesn't mean to be mean it's just what she is without dad."

"Don't you remember having to go to the hospital and having to lie about what happened" I objected

"I do, but she says she doesn't wanna be like that."

"LJ, you just don't understand. She's evil, and crewel. She doesn't know good and bad..."

"But Daddy makes her better, and when we are together with Daddy she'll be good."

"LJ, you don't know." I said fatefully and returned to my room.

At church I wore the makeup but made sure to have my hair down as well, just in case. I did the usual and was a little angel. LJ drew his pictures, but before church service started LJs Sunday School teacher, Mr. Pete, sat next to mom and said something about us moving; that LJ had mentioned it. Pete was his first name. He had a long last name that was difficult for adults, much less 3rd and 4th graders. Mom's confused look told Mr. Pete what he wanted to know.

"If God wants us to move, we will, but I'm sure Mr. Reis would tell me if we're moving." Mom said.

"I was worried. Id miss LJ if he left us. And your family." Mr. Pete said.

"No, Mr. Pete, God had planted his garden here and we're growing good." Mom said with a plasticine smile.

LJs picture from Sunday school today was all 4 of us in front of a big house on rolling fields. It was better than most of his other work, but I disliked it the most. I'd talk to Dad about it on Tuesday.

LJ and I wanted to skip school on Tuesday. Dad would be coming home around 11, which meant we wouldn't get to see him until school let out. We knew, however it wouldn’t be good if mom found out we skipped so we went. I never was one who anticipated the end of school before, mainly because there wasn't much to go home to. But today there was. Morning classes lasted 5 hours, lunch was 2, and afternoon classes went a total of 6, or it seemed like it.

John and I ran from the bus stop, and we're energized when we could see his black Mercedes in the driveway. We came barreling through the door and fell into his lap as he sat on the couch. Everything was wonderful. The cool linen of his shirt, the soft warm flesh beneath, his manly scent, and the scratchiness of his beard. We hugged and held him for 10 or more minutes while he asked about school and our lives and talked to mom and what she was up to. Everything was perfect.

"Well, I have a whole week home." Dad said," What'll we do this week." LJ had a million ideas. Some weren't possible with school in session.

I spoke up, "Could I bring my study group over Friday to hang out."

Dad looked at mom, mom smiled, LJ just looked.

"Sounds good," dad said," I'll cook hamburgers and hot dogs with fries."

I snuggled under his arm and was there hearing his stories until mom called to help with dinner. The pain and troubles of the last few months was a memory or a dream. Daddy was here, we were family.

We ate spaghetti and laughed. LJs laugh, I'd forgotten the sound, was twice as big as him. He could shake windows by laughing. Even mom was red and gasping with laughter. I felt if dad were around all the time mom would be ok.

As dad tucked me in I asked him about moving.

"Well, in a little while my jobs gonna change and I won't need to be running around all over. We will be in another city, but I'll be around a lot more."

"When will that be?" I pressed

" I can't say, it could be a year, or sooner, or it may be 5. A lot depends on a lot of other people."

"It needs to be soon." And I began to tear up. "I can’t do this much more."

"I'm sorry sweetie, it'll be as soon as I can"

I held him and cried for a long time, I don't remember when I fell asleep. My last memory was crying into his shoulder and him stroking my hair.

The next day at study group I gave them the invite to come over Friday, and they all agreed. I was excited for them to meet my dad. Gordon had been acting funny around me since the curling iron excuse last week. This would throw him off. I didn't need child protection pulling me away from LJ and letting Daddy know what mom was doing while he was away. We would never be a family again, and this dysfunction has got to be better than the loneliness of foster care.

That evening when we came home daddy surprised us with tickets to a Broadway play on Saturday, and a special dinner that night. We were going out to my favorite restaurant. It was a three-fork kind of place where you ordered in French. Tomorrow would be LJs night. We'd go to one of those loud obnoxious arcade and bad pizza places.

At study group I was beaming. I felt like a bird flying high in the sky. Jamie was beaming too. Evidently her and Billy we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend. They held hands during our study group and evidently through most of their other classes as well.

On the way to class Gordon commented on my attitude.

"A bigger smile on your face you'd split your ears." Gordon quipped.

"My dad is home and it's wonderful". I replied

"He's pretty phenomenal, huh. What's he do?"

"He is a doctor with a foreign relief agency. He goes to other countries to run clinics."

"Huh, that's why he's gone for months."

" Eventually he won't have that job anymore and we're going to move. He won't be gone for long times, and we'll be a normal family."

"Where ya moving to?"

"I don't know, I don't even know when, but it'll be great."

Gordon smiled," sounds great."

"Regina?" Gordon said, "what's your mom like?"

"She's ok," I lied, "she gets stressed whenever dad is away."

"I've sensed that." Gordon grew quiet. "Does she hit you?"

I was taken back by the directness of the question.

" I don't ..I cant.... There isn't time to talk".

I went into class terrified my life, just when it was looking like it was getting better, was changing for worse.

Friday evening I flew home from school. I had determined to show Gordon a functional happy family so that any thought of calling child services he may have would vanish.

The house was put into order. Fall decorations tastefully done in minimum. The den was cozy, dad was starting the grill, mom was even humming a tune as she shuffled about the house. The doorbell rang at 5:15 and I bolted to the door. Jamie was there in something a little more formal than what she had at school.

"Jamie, this wasn't a formal dinner."

"I wasn't sure, so I decided on a dress. Anyway, Billy likes me in a dress."

"But now I'm going to be under dressed"

"Well, let's see what you got to wear" Jamie grabbed my hand and we dashed to my room.

I was buttoning a blouse on, and Jamie was picking out a skirt from my collection when the doorbell rang again. I heard LJ at the door but couldn't tell who it was. I threw on the rest of the clothes and leapt down the stairs to see that it was blue eyes, or rather Billy standing there. He had cleaned up also and had a dress shirt on, but it was still unbuttoned, and he was wearing a band shirt beneath. He had jeans, but they weren't stained or ripped like they were when he went to school. Jamie greeted Billy with a kiss, and I felt another panic set in as I realized it was going to be like a double date, but at my house with my dad and mom and little brother present. My plans for the evening took a sudden weird turn and I wished I had invited more people, or less people, or something that would change the status quo.

Jamie and Billy we're snuggled on the couch a few minutes later while LJ interrupted Billy with information about school, and Mr. Lewis, and space, and anything else his mind wanted to share. Gordon was late, but just a few minutes.

Dad called from the back." Dinner in 5 minutes"

I got up and lead our party to the dining room where mom had put out a fine setting. This was getting out of hand. I wanted informal and comfortable, like paper plates and Solo cups, but we sat to fine white plates and glass cups and forks. It was hamburgers, forks weren't necessary.

Dad brought the hamburgers in and placed them on the table when the doorbell rang. I got up and let Gordon in.

"Sorry I'm late". He said

"We were just sitting down to dinner."

" I brought these for your mom.". He handed me a large bouquet of mum's and other fall flowers. I was amazed that he would think of my mom in such a way even knowing what she was, what she was doing. I had pretty much admitted it.

I showed him into the dining room where he greeted everyone and apologized, once again, for being late. Mom got up to put the flowers into some water where she placed them in the center of the table removing her centerpiece.

"You're just on time for dinner," dad said " it's nice to meet you. Reggie has told us a lot about you."

"Reggie?" Gordon questioned with a smirk.

Me

"It's what we call Regina." Dad smiled.

Gordon took my seat next to LJ, and I took mine on his other side. If this was ending up being a double date I might as well make the best of it.

During dinner Gordon and LJ carried the conversation. I didn't know that Gordon was so well versed in space. LJ had a new friend and was enamored with Gordon. Billy and Jamie cooed at each other and we're just a little less than annoying. Mom, Dad, and I amused ourselves in the conversation Gordon and LJ we're having. After dinner we went into the den to watch a movie Jamie had picked out. Dad eased LJ out and soon the study group was enjoying the movie. Jamie and Billy, since they already had seen the movie, enjoyed each other. Mom came in with snacks a few minutes in and asked if we needed anything else.

"No thanks mom." I said, inviting her to leave. When she was gone, I made sure to touch Gordon a few times as we reached for a snack or as I handed him a drink.

By the end of the movie he had his arm over my shoulders and I felt so warm, comforted, and accepted.

Before Gordon left I promised to see him after school on Monday. I thought with Dad home LJ could be trusted to go home, mom could be trusted not to be crazy, and I could have some time with Gordon.

Saturday the play was wonderful. We all dressed in our finest. LJ wore a little bow tie, dad was in a suit, mom wore a dress that looked like it was from Grammy night. And I wore a fine dress, purple, with sequins. I even had a little matching purse. We drove the two hours to New York and drove down time square. Dad ordered dinner in French and LJ watched grossed out as dad ate snails. The play was superb. On the way home LJ. Laid across the back seat and fell asleep on my lap. I stroked his hair and listened to what mom and dad were talking about.

We slept in and skipped church on Sunday. We got back to the house after 1am, and dad carried LJ up and put him to bed. After he tucked in LJ he came in to see me.

"Did you have fun tonight?" He asked

"Dad, it was wonderful." I replied.

"Good Night." He whispered

"Dad, I don't want you to go."

" I gotta sleep in my own bed"

"No," I said,"I don't want you to go back to work."

"Hunny, I got to. Anyway, when I'm home more permanent we can't be going out every night like we do when I'm home now."

"I know, but it so much more difficult when you leave."

"I know hunny, but it'll only be a while and I'll be back."

I fell into a fitful sleep caught between the great night we had and the sadness of knowing he'd be gone on Tuesday.

Monday at school I was looking forward to talking to Gordon after. I had asked my dad about staying after school for a project and asked if he could keep an eye out for LJ coming home from school. I promised to be home by 6.

After school Gordon met me at my locker and we walked toward the park.

"Gordon, I need to explain something to you about Friday." I began. "I don't have time for a boyfriend. Everything going on in my life I cannot risk it, I don't have time for it."

"I don't know what all is going on, but I understand." Gordon replied. "Is it because of your mom?" Gordon said bluntly.

Again I was surprised by his directness.

"Gordon, let me handle it." I pleaded. "I don't want LJ and me broken up, and my family destroyed. Dad says that soon we will move and his job will change and we will be a family."

"So your dad doesn't know about your mom?"

"No, and I don't want him to. She's great when he's around and if he does change jobs he will be around a lot more. Everything will be great then. If he found out I think he'd take us and leave her."

"Wouldn't that be good?"

"Gordon, just let me handle it. I don't want to end up a divorced kid splitting time."

"If she abuses you she won't get visitation."

"I can't be sure of that. I'm not sure what the courts would do."

"So Friday was just a one time thing?"

"I can't Gordon. I want to, but I have to think of LJ, and possibly moving. I like you, but I don't see how."

We walked on in silence a while and began down a trail in the park.

"I'll do whatever I can to help." Gordon said as he grabbed my hand. "I won't say anything for now, but if I see anything getting worse I'm going to."

I nodded, but kept a hold of his hand. It was reassurance and peaceful knowing he shared my knowledge and situation.

We sat on a bench and talked about school, and LJ.

"Maybe I could come over and tutor him some?" Gordon offered

"No," I replied quickly." Mom would think it's wrong."

"How often does she... hit you?"

"Once or twice a week, some more serious than others." I offered and began tearing

"Do you not want to talk about it?"

"It's alright. It's just...hard sometimes. I have to be on guard for both me and John."

"I'm sorry."

I squeezed his hand in reassurance to him that it was ok, and to assure myself. I dared not tell him of LJ in the hospital. That would've pushed him more.

" I should be getting home."

"I'll walk you"

"No, I told my dad I was working in a project so it wouldn't be right if he saw you."

"You lied to your dad?"

"I just didn't wanna answer the questions about you."

"Ok."

"Thanks"

"See you tomorrow."

"Bye"

And with that our hands broke and I walked on home in the failing light of the day.

"Did you get that project done?" Mom asked as I came in. She was cooking as I passed through the kitchen. I paused instinctively ready to take a beating but remembered that dad was home and mom wasn’t asking to catch me, but out of genuine curiosity.

"Um, yeah, we were working on a sociology project." I lied.

"I'd love to see it" was her reply.

Again. I was filled with fear that I was caught and facing a beating. Just then LJ came sliding across the kitchen floor in socks. He managed to stay upright and began pedaling his feet like a cartoon character trying to go in a different direction.

"Reggie, your home, see what daddy made" I followed him into the den where the couch was pushed around backwards and the dining chairs were pulled up to give another wall. A thick blanket covered the couch and chairs. LJ dove under them and I heard dad laugh from underneath.

"Don't come in the dragons lair or you too will be a tasty treat" dad called

LJ giggled. I put my bag down and dove underneath finding every pillow I knew of in the house, and some I didn't forming another wall and the floor of the dragon’s lair. I didn't see my dad or LJ so I dove in grasping at any hand or foot I may find. I came up empty, but quickly found the roof and walls collapsing around me as I was crushed by LJ and pillows.

"I got you dragon!" I cried as I wrapped my arms around him and a few pillows.

"I'm the knight, not the dragon" LJ giggled as I tickled his ribs.

"You’re not?"

Just then a pile of pillows fell on us and dad's large hand pushed them all down pinning the both of us.

"Who dares come to the hall of the dragon " dad said in a gruff voice.

LJ and I squirmed free from the dragons grasp and I rolled to my feet with LJ next to me.

"You go right, and I'll attach left." I strategized

Dad grabbed a pillow in each hand and turned to face the larger of his two foes which left his back to LJ. He leapt on his back encircling his arms around the powerful scaly neck of the fierce beast.

I got blasted with two swift downy paws and was quickly enveloped in the beasts arms toppling to the floor.

" A dragon cannot be defeated with such puny efforts." The great dragon dad bellowed.

"A dragon has only one weak spot."

My fingers squirmed to his side and I tickled the best I could.

The dragon broiled with laughter and grabbing his foe from his back he flung the assailant to the softness of the pillows. Then turned to me pouncing and tickling as only dragon dads could.

"Dinner," mom called from the dining room.

" Argh!" The dragon cried "I have been defeated!"

Dad got up and grabbed one if the dining chairs

"Reggie, get the other one" he said as he walked to the dining room

I placed the chair to the table and sat. LJ sliding in next to me in his usual spot.

" For what we are to receive we thank you, for what we are to cherish we thank you, and for what we are to forgive we thank you. Amen" dad spoke the blessing and we ate.

I cried myself to sleep that night. Dad would be gone when we got home from school, and I would be the protector of the family from the family.

At school I was noticeably sad. Billy, Jamie and Gordon tried to enliven me, but only Gordon knew, well, most of the story. When I had dropped off LJ he was down as well. When I went to get him at the end of the school day he had been crying. I spoke to Mr. Lewis briefly about it, and he understood. On the bus ride home I put my arm on his shoulder and hummed him space odyssey, his favorite song.

The Mercedes was gone when we got home I almost went into tears when I didn't see it. We walked in, and the TV was blaring with mom a silhouette on the couch. I began making dinner and asking John about his day, homework, and teacher. He was on schedule to pass this year which was great. I wondered about what it would be for him in 4th grade, but it's just something you won't know until it happens.

"Reggie, do you like Gordon?" LJ asked

I wasn't sure where he was going with this. His tone wasn't teasing.

"I like him, he helps me a lot with my classes." Came my reply.

"No, do you like him like him like a boyfriend."

I eyed him trying to read him.

"Yes, but I don't have time for a boyfriend."

"I thought so, I like him too, as a friend. Is he gonna come around more?"

"I don't think so.

"He doesn't like you?"

"Oh, he likes me, but mom.."

The explanation seemed to be all that was needed.

"Maybe if he comes around mom will be more like when Dad is around."

"What if she's not, or she is when he's around but gets upset after."

"I was just hoping."

"Yeah it may have been nice."

LJ and I ate dinner at the table, and I took the food, as usual to mom on the couch. She had a distant stare in her eyes, and I thought she may have been crying as well.

"Dinner, mom" I told her and set it on the coffee table.

"Humph" she said and began eating.

After dinner we did the dishes then reviewed LJs schoolwork.

"You really seem to be getting it" I said as we reviewed multiplication tables.

"Mr. Lewis lets me sit facing a blank wall. The numbers I see on the wall and I can remember them better."

"What do the other students do?"

"They're usually doing other things like reading or working in a workbook."

I reminded myself to ask Mr. Lewis about this when I met him next.

"You are an awesome brother."

"I know."

We went to our bedrooms, and a few hours later I peeked in on him playing, once again with his rockets and astronauts.

"Time for sleep LJ" I said.

As he was sliding into his sheets he said, "When did dad say he'd be home again?"

"Just before Thanksgiving, for five days then off again until Christmas."

"Can you see if Gordon can come around Thanksgiving? "

"I'll see, but a lot of people go and see their relatives in Thanksgiving. "

"Yeah, g'night, Reggie"

"G'night LJ"

I didn't want to ask Gordon about Thanksgiving. Doing things like people in relationships do with someone you can't have a relationship with is confusing and emotional. I'll try and see if he goes to relatives for Thanksgiving. That way I don't have to ask directly, and I can tell LJ that he can't come.

On Saturday I went to the grocery store to get a few items. LJ went with me. When we got home mom met us with belt in hand. I'm not sure what the reason was. Sometimes it was like that. Maybe we didn't pick up something, maybe I didn't make a good enough lunch, maybe in her mind we dawdled at the store too long. Once the items bought at the store we're put away we went to our rooms to nurse our wounds and keep away from her.

At school a week later, after study hall Gordon, once again walked me to my locker.

"So does your family go all out for Thanksgiving?" I asked easing into the subject.

"Nah, we do a dinner. Two years ago it was Lasagna. We don't go all out or anything." Gordon said.

Crap, I may have to ask.

"Well, would you care to come over for Thanksgiving? You could say no." I'm sure my face was turning red.

" That would be great." Gordon said. "It would be cool to see your family and LJ again."

" Ok, I'll let you know time and all." I tried to look positive, but I was apprehensive. I was carrying on a relationship with someone I had told I couldn't be in a relationship with. The gossip circles at school had us going together, But so far we had stayed friends. Him coming to my house would confuse us. It was confusing to me.

"It's for LJ." I said to myself, "not for me."

I found comfort in his wide welcoming smile as he held the door for me going into math class.

LJ obviously had been crying when I picked him up.

"What's up LJ" I said with an encouraging grin.

"I don't want to go to school anymore" he stated then broke into tears running into my arms. I held him there for a few minutes with the bus waiting on us. When he broke away I gestured to the bus driver to go ahead. We could walk home.

" What happened?" I asked when his tears subsided.

"Some of the other kids were calling me stupid?"

"LJ, your not stupid!" I said emphatically.

" Then why am I still in third grade?"

" You have a hard time with school, but your not stupid. You know everything about every space mission from every country, even China.... Why did they call you stupid?"

" I got another B on a science test, and I showed it to Tracy who sits next to me. Her test was different."

"What?" I was growing hot trying to imagine what Mr. Lewis was doing, why John was getting Bs.

"My test had the answers. Hers didn't." LJ stated.

"Let me see." I was suddenly confused.

He dug in his backpack and produced the paper. Sure enough, his test was in multiple choice

"Tracy's paper didn't have the choices?" I questioned.

" She wrote answers in hers" he replied.

" But, why did they call you stupid?" I said perplexed.

"Tracy said I had the answers and another kid grabbed my paper. He started calling me stupid because my test was different "

"Where was Mr. Lewis?"

" He was at the door talking to principal Miller, he didn't hear it."

"I'm going to have a talk with him tomorrow, but for now we gotta get home."

We walked hand in hand. To get his mind off his trouble I questioned him about astronauts and space missions

"Who was the crew on Apollo 13"

"Jack Swigart, Jim Lovell, and

Fred Haise." I threw him an easy one to start.

"What was the name of the first dog in space?"

"Laika, on Sputnik 2, who died in space." This time a hard one. I had just looked this one up.

"Who launched tortoises into space?"

LJs eyes widened. I knew he knew it, but he was amazed I knew it.

"Iran recently, but Russia sent a bunch of 'em"

" I knew about Iran, but didn't know Russia did, I thought they just sent monkeys and dogs."

" They used tortoises in the moon race in the 60s ,but sent up others in 75."

When we arrived at home the troubles of school were past and space was on his mind.

We walked in and mom didn't say a word. We were a little late, but not much. I didn't even see her turn her head when I said "hi, mom"

She just grunted a response and absorbed herself back into the TV.

I fixed dinner.

My first interaction with Dale was while going to science class. I'd seen him before. He'd hang out with jocks. He was something on the football team. I didn't hear what he said but I felt a hand on my butt. I spun around and saw him leering with his friends, a few other jocks. Dale’s grasping hand gripping the air where my butt had been.

" Butt honk." He snickered.

I gave him the meanest look I could and backed away hastening to class. It wasn't the first time someone said something rude to me. I reported him after class, but I don't know if anything happened to him. I avoided him which was pretty easy as his gang was usually pretty loud going down the hall. I had some classes with him, he was late regularly, and i was early.

The next time I saw him he was with Candice and was handsy with her in the hall, but she wasn't resistant to it. She was one of the girls who got around. I'm pretty sure someone reported that as well.

That evening I sent a request to Mr. Lewis to meet with him briefly after school. The way I did this was to watch the clock and have my books ready in my locker me for the last class. At 15 minutes before the last bell rang I would squirmed in my seat. At 10 minutes until I would ask to go to the rest room. If the teacher asked me to wait I'd become more jittery to the point of disruptive and ask again at 7 til. The moment the bell rang I was hitting the panic bar on the door and walking as fast as I could toward the elementary school.

"Mr. Lewis, why is LJ getting different tests than the rest of the class?" Not accusingly. The history I had with Mr. Lewis told me he was fair and even tempered.

" Well Mrs. Reis, the only thing different on his test is that I give him multiple choice almost all the time."

LJ was listening and, remembering the events of yesterday, tearing up.

"LJ," Mr. Lewis said directing his attention to LJ. "What are the parts of a flower?"

LJ just looked blank then furrowed his eyebrows.

"Stem, pedals.... " You could almost see LJs mind change to somewhere else.

"What are you thinking about?" Mr. Lewis questioned.

"Pedals on an airplane and what they do and flying and space and time and relativity and physics and ...." Mr. Lewis held up his hand to stop John. "That's the issue," he said directing attention back at me. " He's incredibly smart. Smarter than any kid in this class. I saw it the last time I had him. His mind just runs away with him, usually to air and space stuff. The multiple choice, I found, keeps him more centered on the topic. If he didn't have multiple choice his mind would trail off like that and he'd be failing because he couldn't complete the questions. I began doing this his first time through the third grade, but it was too late to bring his grade up. This year we are doing great." He smiled at John and John smiled back happy to be told he was smarter than his classmates.

"Ok," I resolved. "You know what happened yesterday. What can we do?"

"That's a hard one. I can try and stop the teasing, but I can't be there all the time." Mr. Lewis said. "The best thing is to encourage John and iterate that he isn't slow or dumb. He's got an amazing mind. He could be genius level, but it's a blessing with a curse. The curse is dealing with these things."

"Well, LJ?" I looked at him. "Can you handle the teasing? Just for a little while?"

LJ nodded, but was visibly apprehensive.

"I'm sorry it has to be like this." Mr. Lewis interjected. "John, you’re a bright kid, and you need to be brave like an astronaut. Can you do that?"

LJ nodded again, but this time a little more sure of himself that he could be compared to an astronaut.

"Thanks," I smiled at Mr. Lewis.

"Regina, how’s your mom?". Mr. Lewis asked. The tone in his voice told me he was going to press for further information.

"Um, she's good, she works later on Tuesdays so I got to get home and start dinner." I said picking up my bag and heading toward the door.

" Come on, LJ."

"Regina, let me know if you need to talk or something." Mr. Lewis pushed.

What did he think... What did he suspect...

"Will do Mr. Lewis, thanks for all you do". I headed out the door.

Back at home mom wasn't at the TV. She was in the kitchen. Broken dishes were all around.

"Where is my vase?" She said sullenly boiling underneath.

No answer was going to be good, especially no answer at all.

"What vase, mom?" I braced for impact and felt the sting on my left cheek.

" The one I use for flowers as a centerpiece " she said matter of factly." Stop your attitude or I'll stop it". She grabbed the first thing that came to her hand and hurled it at me. It glanced off my head as I turned away from it.

"Go upstairs, LJ" I said and turned back to my loving mother who had just threw mug at my head. it had hit the wall after me and broke on the floor.

"I'll help you find it." Keeping my voice calm while fear trembled inside.

" You worthless piece of crap, you probably hid it on me or broke it you liar." Mom accused.

" The last time I saw it was when my friends came over." Her left backhand came across my lip the wedding ring tore in . Next was a punch under my shoulder blade and I went down. The air was pushed out as her foot came swiftly into my chest. I rolled away from the blows, but soon she had her belt and flailed it at me cursing and calling me names. I forgot how many times the belt struck my back, legs, butt, and head but soon no part if me didn't sting. I clenched my teeth and thought about not crying. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She couldn't break me without killing me.

After it was over I picked my way up the stairs and saw LJ hiding under his bed.

"You ok, Reggie?" He asked

"I'll be alright." I winced "Can you put some hot dogs in the microwave for dinner? I'll make something more in a few minutes."

I went to the bathroom to see the damage and attempt to diminish the marks. The mug had gashed my head above my right ear and blood made the hair wet. The ring had opened up a hole in my lip like a failed lip ring, but not all the way through. It was swelling and I tasted blood where my lip was crushed into my teeth. I undressed and stepped into a cold shower. I curled up in the bottom of the tub and shivered as the cold water took away the swelling and the burn. I cried, again, not because of her, but because of him. Why couldn't he be here, a family, peaceful. He was so busy helping others, but his own children were suffering. He didn't know, if he knew he would change things. He would quit his job with the mission and be a regular doctor at a clinic or at the hospital. Surely if he knew .... Would he leave mom? That would be ok, unless she wanted custody or even visitation. If she pressed for either than the truth would come out. I would be the damaged kid who was abused and everyone would treat me with pitty and patronizing. He can't know, not yet, this will all get better, this will all be a horrible nightmare when he does come back for good.

I cleaned up best I could, dressed is some loose clothes and went down to make peas and Mac and cheese.

Mom was back in her couch, but the TV wasn't on. I shook in fear as I boiled the water, afraid to set her off again.

With dinner cooked I set it in front of her. The TV still not on. I feared rattling her with saying anything so I said nothing.

"He's not coming." She said

"What was that mom", I said carefully.

"Your father won't be home for Thanksgiving."

The words hit worse than the beating I had just received.

"When...When is he going to be back?" I questioned.

"Christmas," was her one word answers.

Two months without him... he'd been gone that long other times, a few times longer, but Gordon. I'd invited him, and would have to uninvite. This might push him to reporting us.

As long as I presented him with everything is good there was no issue, but every indication that it was changing might be seen in his mind as it getting worse. He might report us.

A few days went by, and I'd figured out how to uninvite Gordon.

While we were walking to class after study group.

"Gordon?" I began.

"Yes Reggie,". Gordon had been calling me Reggie since that dinner since hearing of my nickname.

"You live on Marshall street don't you?" I knew already, but just wanted to get up nerve and stall for what I was going to ask.

"Yes." He replied.

"I was wondering... " My mouth was dry. " On Mondays if you'd walk LJ and myself home. Just as far as Penny lane."

"What about you and your mom?"

"We'll talk about that on Monday.... I mean, only if you agree."

What was I doing? I was throwing him a piece of meat to distract him. He was my guard dog and I was tossing him a bone in order to distract him from being concerned. More importantly I was digging deeper into a relationship that had no future of lasting. I can’t date with my current situation, and when it changes I’ll be moving.

"Ok." Gordon agreed," It'll be good to see LJ again."

"Hey hottie," I turned to see Dale as I walked to gym class. I gave him a disgusted look and continued walking.

"Regina, I wanna talk to you.". Dale said. He wasn't with his usual thugs

"Next time start with my name." I spat out at him.

"Look, you just got the prettiest ass in school. It's so good I can't think of your name after seein it." The smirk on his face was disgusting.

" I'm gonna report you again, jerk." I began walking quicker to class.

"It was you last time." He moved to be in front of me. I was scared. The halls weren't empty, but no one was taking notice of this. How many butts did he honk? Of course it was me who reported him. Who did he honk that didn't report him.

" I just gotta say somethin’." Dales face got inches from mine.

"What is it?" I crossed my arms backing away from his face. He leaned in.

"Is Gordon givin you what you need? I can give it so much better. " He said leering.

"Perv. I am reporting you." I pushed by him and dashed into the woman’s locker room where he couldn't go. Once inside I sat in front of my chosen locker and made myself small. I began crying. Jamie found me there.

"Oh Regina, what's wrong." Jamie put her arm over my shoulder.

"You know Dale Briggs?" I questioned

"Yeah, he's a receiver on the football team. He's going out with Candice." Jamie informed.

"He grabbed my butt a few weeks ago, but now he said something perverted to me in the hall."

"Jerk. He's a boy you can't take what he says seriously." Jamie

"It's not just that. It's Gordon." The gates were opening.

"What's Gordon doing?" Jamie asked a little alarmed.

"He's been great. I like him, but I can't."

"Because of LJ and your mom?"

I told her everything of Gordon and I, but left out mom's abuse leaving the explanation at mom's work schedule.

"Where's your mom work?"

I had the lie down so well by now it leapt from my mouth without my thinking about it.

"She does the books at a small electrical company." The lie was formulated to be informative but off putting. Who wanted to know about finances of an electrical company. Keeping it a small company meant no one would know someone who worked there. I had a name that I'd looked up in case anyone asked to keep the lie going one step further. Jamie didn't ask.

The bell had rung a while ago for class to start. We walked into the gym together.

"Your late." The teacher stated expecting a good explanation.

"Regina has some women issues " Jamie offered. Which wasn't totally a lie. It's not like a man would be crying in the locker room after what had happened.

The coach rolled his eyes and excused the tardiness.

On Monday Gordon met me at my locker. He slung my book bag over his shoulder, and we walked out of the school together. Next to dad being home I think I've never been more at peace then that moment. It was right. It was normal. It was fun.

Thanksgiving wasn't really celebrated in the Reis house that year. The days off of school meant LJ and myself interacting with mom was little as possible. If Dad not there or the holiday was on her mind, she showed no emotion. The TV blared its propaganda, and mom absorbed it.

I cooked a usual dinner. No turkey or stuffing like when Dad is home. No family time or sharing what we are thankful for. No Gordon coming over. Other than having the days off no one visiting the Reis household would've known it was a holiday.

Thursday before going to bed I was tucking in LJ.

"Reggie," John asked." What do you want to be when you get old?"

I don't think I've ever thought of it for four or five years. There wasn't room for future thoughts. I was in the now, dealing with all this.

"I don't know LJ." I said. "I guess I could be a .." I paused. What was I good at? Watching my brother? So, I could be a nanny? Taking a beating? So, I'll be a fighter? I was average in most my classes. I read books a lot. I could be a librarian.

"I don't know what I'll be, but I bet I know what you want to be." I smiled knowing his astronaut dreams.

"I was thinking about that" LJ said." I don't think I want to be an astronaut."

"Really"

"Yeah, astronauts don't really help people. Dad heals people and teaches them and loves them. I think I want to be like dad.

"Wow, LJ so you’re gonna be a doctor?

"Yeah, I think it would be better to help people and talk to them."

"That's great LJ. I'm glad you’re thinking about stuff like that."

"Reggie, I think you'd be a good mom."

"Thanks LJ, but it's not a well-paying job."

"Yeah, that's too bad."

"Gnight LJ"

"Night Reggie."

Monday back at school Gordon met me at my locker after the last bell, flopped my backpack on his shoulder, and we walked out of the school together in what was becoming a Monday habit. Although the trees had long since turned their colors and now were just hints of their former brightness and the air promised snow to come later this year the sun showed bright and happy. Gordon told me of his childhood. It was normal. No absent parent, no beatings. His parents worked, and provided, and loved their kids and each other. Tears began forming. It's amazing how you can miss something you've never had. There's something right and fair about a childhood like that.

When we picked up LJ he was as talkative as ever.

"Gordon, you go to church?" LJ quizzed

"Not regularly. I've been to a few funerals of my relatives and last year we went to Virginia for a wedding, but that's it." Was Gordon's explanation.

"Do you believe in God?" LJ was amazed at Gordon's pagan ways.

" Yeah, there's a God, but I don't think he's only found at churches."

LJ pondered this seemingly satisfied that what Gordon had said was right.

"Did your parents go when they were young?" I asked.

"Not that I know." Gordon said. " We just don't talk about God or anything like that."

The matter seemed to be dropped, at least for now, and LJ went on with talking about physics and space.

When we reached our splitting off point I took my backpack from his shoulder making sure to touch his shoulder as the pack slid from his arm to mine. I thought of kissing his cheek, but, once again, what was I doing getting involved in something that couldn't be. I thanked him and began walking my way. I turned before we disappeared around the corner of a house to see him cross the street on his way home.

"LJ, does Gordon remind you of dad?" I asked half rhetorically.

"What do you mean?" came LJ's reply.

"I don't know, I get a feeling like I do when Dad is here."

"Huh" LJ said.

"Where's Gordon live?" LJ asked.

"He's on Marshall street about 6 blocks away. "

I explained.

"We should go and visit him" LJ stated.

"Mom wouldn't let us." I wrote off his declaration. " C'mon let's get home."

The same silhouette, the same monologue interspersed with the same commercials, the same routine. I cried again that night thinking how I missed dad. Three weeks till he was home.

I should have known. There should have been a warning to let me know that morning when I woke. If there was I missed it. School was barreling into the winter vacation. It was a week before father would return. He would be home for at least 3 weeks! The routine was normal. I woke and checked LJs sheets. They were dry this morning. He was getting better. His report card had mostly B's. He was going to pass. I met up with the study group and they sensed my excitement. They knew why as well. Everyone I knew knew why because it was the only thing on my lips. Dad was returning. He was so great and awesome. It would be wonderful. Like a great vacation that you never want to end. Perhaps I was too excited. It was a Friday, and the cold rain hadn't even dampened my disposition. School flew by and I with it. I picked up LJ and we walked in spite of the rain in order to stop by the store and get some things we were out of. I grabbed something for dinner as well and we walked in the house with arms loaded of back packs and bags.

The silence met us when we walked in and dread sunk my heart.

"Mom, " I called.

It was like a storm from nowhere. A pain shot through the back of my head enough that I crumpled to the floor dropping what I was carrying.

"Worthless liar!" She screamed

"Mom, what is it?" I tried to regroup.

A smack came across my face and she pulled my hair forcing my head around and down. I grit my teeth.

I heard another smack as LJ, who was standing agape of shock and surprise caught a belt across his cheek.

"Mom, "I yelled and pushed toward LJ. A swat intended for him caught my arm and burned. The next was for me and hit my side. She was a tornado. Soon I had a gash in my head and above my eyebrow. Red welts covered my body under the shirt I had on, and still she swung. I curled up, arms over my head begging it to stop. Her wrath was toward me. LJ had been caught only a few times.

"Mom, stop hurting Reggie" he cried sobbing.

A kick to my stomach relieved me of air and everything was hazy. In a fog I heard another smack but it wasn't me... Or was it. Was I gone so I couldn't feel it anymore? I heard LJ crying and called him. I coughed and it hurt but cleared my head. I heard the throb of my blood in my ears. Mom had LJ by the neck as he was bent forward and the belt rained on his back and butt. I got to my feet to try and stop her when she pushed LJ away turning back toward me. LJ stumbled over the bags on the floor and fell, his head striking the corner of the wall.

"Mom, please" I begged standing before her. Her belt swung into my right ear. I bit hard on nothing as the pulsing swish of my heart on that side was replaced with ringing pain. I fell to the floor again.

I awoke in another haze. Light filled my eyes and I tried to focus. I hurt. I couldn't feel anything but pain. I picked up my arm and felt a hand touching mine.

"Hi Reggie." My dad said.

I began to cry. He knew now. What was to happen? Would he take us away? Would we ever see mom again? I was filled with conflicting emotions. Relief that he finally knew. Dred that my life was going to be radically different. Relief that it was all over. Sadness that we could never be normal.

"Where am I?" I asked. The ceiling was stark white. The walls as well.

"You are in a hospital. You're pretty banged up. "Was his reply. Banged up? Beat up was more like it.

"What?" I asked. My mouth found words difficult.

"You have several bruises and cuts and a concussion. You'll be in pain for a while."

"What?" I said again. I heard him, but my mind couldn't make the connection to meaning.

" You also have an exploded ear drum. You may never hear out of your right ear again."

"How? Why?" I asked

"Get some rest" Dad said.

"Where's LJ" I asked. My head had cleared just enough to be worried and ask.

"Reggie dear, get some rest" was his reply.

My eyes closed again. He didn't answer me, but I knew the great doctor would have it covered.

I woke again with the urge to pee. I lifted my head and it hurt.

"Hello." I called.

"Whatcha need ." A pleasant voice responded.

"I gotta pee." I said

"You can go ahead, you ain't moving till we check a few more things."

I sat there embarrassed but did as I was told.

I drifted off again.

In my dream I saw what had happened. It wasn't happening to me though. I saw it happen watching it from the other room.

"LJ, where's LJ. "

I woke again with a sick feeling and puked. I managed to stay awake this time as the nurses cleaned me up. Dad came in shortly after.

"What happened?" I asked knowing some of the story.

"Your mom called 911 when you and LJ were unresponsive." He began.

"I got a call and headed home immediately. They kept you under for a day while they assessed your injuries. "

"Dad, I'm sorry." I began.

"It wasn't you." He interrupted." It was Terrai."

We sat silent for a moment but understanding seemed to pass between us.

"Where's LJ?" I continued.

My dad looked at me and his eyes grew wet.

"He .. " a tear spilled down his cheek and then I couldn't look at him anymore as he said." He's not here anymore."

I buried my head in my pillow and screamed then began balling. Dads arm moved around my shoulder and we sat and cried.

I must've fell asleep again, but I woke up and began to cry again. Dad wasn't there this time.

Time still moved on, and I'm sure things happened, but for me it stopped, or it should have. Knowing eyes looked at me pitifully, but their empty smiles and words seemed fake and clanging. I wanted to yell back to leave me alone. To stop their silliness because it only helps them feel better about themselves. It did nothing for me. I felt nothing and everything. My emotions were like a phantom limb that I felt was there but had been removed from me.

The funeral happened some time later. Jamie, Billy, Gordon, and Mr. Lewis was there. I cried as I hugged Mr. Lewis. He was one who I thought felt a little of my weight. Others were there too, but I don't remember who. I just remember people; lots of people.

Dad and I went around the house and slowly put LJs things in boxes. The first time I opened his door I ran to my room and cried all over again. The second time I only took a step inside and stood and balled.

The holidays passed but not in the Reis house. Like I said, time had stopped. It was just me and my dad doing a little this or that. Consoling each other, busying ourselves until the emotions passed. We didn't talk much. What could have been said? I don't know where mom went. I'd assume she'd been arrested. It was after New year when my dad and I sat at the dinner table.

"Reggie" he began." Your gonna have to go back to school."

I understood but was indifferent to the idea. School or home did it matter?

"Ok, " I responded. "When?"

"On Monday." He replied and took a bite. "I have to go back to work as well."

I was confused by this. I can't be left for long periods of time

"You mean, for a long time?" I was struggling with the meaning.

"Yes, I'm needed for an outbreak in Indonesia." He replied

"But, how? You can't leave me here alone." I interjected.

"Your mom will be back on Thursday, and I'll be leaving the Monday after." He said matter of factly.

"Mom!? What d you mean ? Why is she gonna be back?" I stood and was yelling. Panic, anger, exasperation, confusion, every emotion flooded through me.

"Reggie, this the way it's gotta be. It's for your good.". My dad calmly reassured me.

"How can this be for my good?"

"You are such a wonderful child, you are learning and growing so much through everything that is happening."

"Everything that is happening? You don't know everything that is happening."

"Reggie, I do."

Again a flood of confusion and emotion. He didn't know. Surely if he knew he would have done something. No caring person leaves a loved one in circumstances like this?

"I know Terra can be cruel and seem evil at times. It’s just what she is while I'm not around."

" You knew all this time? You knew when you went away she would beat us for a minor mess up or for no reason at all? "

Dad shook his head knowingly.

"You knew this when she put LJ in the hospital?"

"I knew she would kill LJ eventually." He replied in a resigned explanation. "It was like I saw him when he fell and hit his head and died."

" You KNEW that while you were off saving people that she would beat us, that she would do nothing but sit in front of the TV unless she was hitting us?"

"It's the way it had to be." He replied matter of factly.

I stared in disbelief with my jaw open. The way it had to be?

"I'm so proud of you and what you are going to become, and what you were doing with helping LJ, and all the stuff you did around the house. It was amazing to see what you accomplished."

The emotions that were once flooding me ceased replaced by shock and attempting to grasp what was said.

I stood from the table.

"I...I'm going to my room." I said and did just that.

I stayed in my room through the weekend. Dad brought up food, but I wasn't hungry. He tried talking but I just kept silent. My world was upside down. Nothing made sense. Nothing could ever be sane.