The secret of intimate relationships

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"Why are there so many gold diggers and material women in the world?" After being thrown off by the former girlfriend, the forest feels that the three views of women all over the world have problems. As a car, no house, no savings of the "three without youth", linzi does not feel their mate conditions have any problem, anyway, the problem is in the woman. He insisted that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because she thought he was too poor. In fact, his financial situation did not improve during the more than four years his ex-girlfriend was with him.

Later, the woods to fellowship, to dating, once the woman asked about economic conditions, he immediately silently to the other side of the stamp on a "poor love rich female" label. The forest sends out heaven to ask: why can the girl of be happy with so many, can share bitter but have no one?

Clearly, the problem is not that the woman hates the wood for not having money, but that the wood hates himself for not having money. Moreover, there is a big bug in the heart of these sensitive men, who believe that men are poor and women are not. If linzi could ask himself, are all the women in the world the type he imagines? He might understand more.

All relationships are mirrors that reflect our own problems. In intimate relationships, these problems are magnified into a mirror. This is why it is often said that marriage is a second incarnation: in intimate relationships, we are more likely to find problems with ourselves that we might not have been able to see, and thus have the opportunity to fix them and fix personality bugs.

But many people do not see this "mirror". When they encounter setbacks in a relationship, their first reaction is to "protect themselves" and blame the problem on the other person or the outside world. This is what psychology calls "projection" : the "projection" of one's own personality, attitude, motivation, or desire onto another. In doing so, they ignore their own problems and use the person closest to them as a shield, missing growth opportunities, damaging relationships, and making bad decisions.

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Here are a few more similar examples:

Xiao Chen, a sweet 25-year-old with good looks and good conditions in all aspects, has been in love five or six times, and each time ended up being broken up. Xiao Chen has a bad habit, fall in love with respect to change into female Holmes, always feel that the man's words are not credible, to boyfriend all kinds of insight spy, catch wind and shadow, found a unknown way to the hair can fire to her boyfriend. As you can imagine, no normal man can be so abused, not even if she's a fairy.

Chen often regrets that men fail to give him enough security. But in fact, demanding too much and blaming the other person for not giving you enough security reflects an extreme lack of inner security, and the result is the same for any number of boyfriends.

Mr. Lu, 32, often asks why women are rushing to get married these days.

Lu's parents had married twice and divorced, and he himself had twice "disappeared from the world" while talking about marriage, hurting himself and his partner. Lu holds a prejudice against marriage, believing that most people's marriages are unhappy and unsatisfying, and that marriage makes people lose their freedom. Apparently he has a fear of marriage, and he can't see it, doesn't admit it, but projects his own problems as women love to get married.

Ms. Li, 29, decided that the world was all about faces, especially in a man's world -- and bodies, of course. So, before the age of 30, she became a total plastic surgery fanatic. Hard-earned money saved down, are "handed over" plastic surgery hospital. Breast augmentation, nose augmentation, opening the corner of the eye, a toss over their own, and finally completely addicted. After breaking up with her boyfriend recently, she wiped away tears and flew to South Korea.

"Why are men so wired for looks?" There is obviously no answer to this question, because the question itself is absurd. If a woman assumes that men are all "lookist", it is because she is too concerned with appearance. In her heart of hearts, she believes that only good-looking people deserve to be in love -- even though in fact her personality issues are the key factor.

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One way to think about the projection mechanism in intimate relationships is that, for the most part, what you can't tolerate in your partner is what you can't tolerate in yourself. The man who can't bear a woman's material, in fact, can't tolerate his poverty; Women who accuse men of not giving them enough security are in fact insecure themselves. The man who says that a woman forces him to marry is actually afraid of getting married. A woman who thinks men are all about looks actually thinks she is not beautiful enough and thinks this is the stumbling block in her love life...

When you understand the illusion of projection, you can look into the mirror of intimacy. The mirror is like a bug search, a personalized guide to personality upgrades. Follow this guide to improving yourself and you will become a better version of yourself.