The Scandalous Sheets

Eyes dark as the night sky stared down at me from across the table. Eyes, that seemed vaguely familiar. A flash of them staring at me in a dark setting caught me off guard. There was a longing beyond the memory, do they remember me?

I stood, leaning forward onto my hands squaring up with the man in front of me, "Excuse me, sir?"

"You heard me! I should report you!" The angry jab matched the prodding on my desk with his finger. His spiked dyed blonde hair matched his attitude, contradicting his handsome face.

Red flooded my senses, but I held back taking a deep breath. With my best customer service voice, I smiled, "Sir, I don't know what you're talking about, or even who, but I will let you know this: It doesn't matter who you are, I will not give your account information to anyone, even your assistant, without your explicit prior permission. If she called and you were not there, trying to figure out your finances, I would tell her the same thing anyone else would. If you are not on the account, we wouldn't even verify your name is on the account, let alone how much money is there."

After a moment of glaring, he flattened his hand down, "What if I added her to my account?"

I sat back down, signing into the computer, "You can do that, but be aware she will have full access to your account. She will be a joint owner and may use it freely in any way. How much do you trust her?"

"So, you're saying it's all or nothing?" A hand led his elbow up as he spoke.

"Pretty much, or you could just be available for verification anytime she calls."

Leaning forward he stood, staring down at my name tag. At first, he held his glare, but suddenly let it softened.

"Look, I know it’s a bit of an inconvenience, but we do this only for your protection."

The look on the man softened further, "Ok, Raven Rivera." Was he also reaching for a similar memory? He looked away, and without another word he stood up, and simply walked out the door.

Another flash of a memory, one I slammed shut as pain began to seep through. Shaking my head, I went back to my computer. "Bye I guess," closing our interaction.

Too many times I had exchanges similar to this. Usually, I could let it slide off my back, but the thought of his eyes kept crossing my mind. Stretching it to places I couldn't quite reach. Finally, I allowed it to drop. There was a lot of foolish parts of my youth, some memories I couldn't let myself think about.

There was a lot of partying when I was younger. Even now I still longed for the days I would go out and party. There were so many nights I would get home as the sun was coming up. Now I sat in an office, arguing with customers on their financial accounts. It felt so disappointing. Too many days I had to remind myself that I was making my life better. Becoming financially stable was much harder on the happiness than you would think but it helped numb the mind.

It was hard to see the stars at night in the city. The last few hours of work I felt as though I watched the skyline waiting for something I'd never see. Finally, I put the phone down from my last call, "Yes, thank you. We look forward to seeing you this Friday." Within moments of the clock switching over, I logged off my computer and gathered my things to leave, locking the door on my way out.

There are many times in life I looked back and started to feel myself settle into a rut. Tonight, as with most nights, I sat down in my cozy pajamas, on the couch, holding my microwaved dinner to watch my shows. Nights like this made it easy to flip that feeling of being in a rut into more of a protective cocoon. Climbing out felt like trouble. Within an hour, I was asleep.

*****

My feet stood solidly in a dark room. Beyond me, nothing visible in the murk. The floor was grayish, but even that seemed to fade quickly into the solid black. I may have felt lost, unsteady in real life, but here grounded.

Two arms wrapped lovingly around my waist and without question I fell into them. The body pressed against mine as though molded just for me. Raising a hand to my chin, they pulled it to the side. Pulling up to face him and leaning in to lock our lips together. Though we were locked together so intimately, I couldn't describe what the man looked like. His face was faded, shadowed, but right. There were no alarms, this person was someone I was supposed to be with. A relationship that had been forgotten but should always be present.

My hand reached up to his face as I turned in the tight grasp. Releasing our lips in the process and leaning into his forehead. He held me in a way no one ever did, and it was so familiar. With great longing, I arched my neck up and connected once again. His lips were firm against mine, linking us together. We were meant to be.

A pain seemed to spread through my chest. Realization sank in as I knew I wouldn't see this man when awoken. Never did I want to leave his side. Our kisses got more urgent, as his hands cupped my head pushing himself into me. We were separated for a second just for him to pick me up. Throwing me into the air.

*****

My eyes burst open, revealing my blank ceiling. Rolling over and letting my legs hit the ground, I reached over and shut the TV off. The sun was brimming the horizon and I couldn't stop the groan from escaping. It hadn’t felt like I was asleep that long. A glimmer of a thought made me believe there might be a slight more time for sleep before the alarm, and in the same moment the obtrusive beeping scoured the hopes to dust.

Turning the noise off, I leaned over my knees thinking back to my dream. The touch of his lips, the pressure of his arms, it all still seemed so present. There was a flutter in my heart that I couldn't remember feeling in a long time. Who was that? I was sitting there yearning for someone who didn't exist. A hand settled on my chest, calming myself before getting up to get ready for the day.

The day dragged. Paperwork, phone calls, followed by the occasional problem solving. After lunch, my supervisor came in and looked down at the piles around me. "You need to clean up your desk right away."

A blank stare met him. When was the last time he came into my office, let alone coming in with demands? "What’s up, Tony?"

Though he was larger than the average human, he worried like a teddy bear, "Someone is here to see you, someone big."

"Big? Like Franny Johnson, big?” I gave him a light smirk.

He scowled, "Don't…Just don't." I smirked at his obvious discomfort. With a shrug, he gave a small smile back. "No, but really. This guy that requested you…he drove a Lamborghini here, big."

"All the money's in the car, Tony," the sigh was inescapable as I began clearing my desk.

He walked into the room, he seemed so unremarkable. From the rating, I expected suit, but he looked like a punk. Though there seemed to be aging at the edges, he couldn’t have been over forty. His style seemed like a passing thing, as though he most likely changed it with the seasons. There was nothing else to describe him, except free. Free to be whoever he wished.

When I met his eyes, there was a jarring feeling. This was the same man as yesterday. How did he get by unnoticed then, and not now? The thought made me believe that I must have had the wrong person, but those eyes. They couldn't belong to anyone else.

I smiled, standing as he entered, "Hello, have a seat."

The man turned to Tony, who had walked in with him. I suppressed a chuckle as he did something of a bow as he turned to leave. The door was closed behind him. It was only then he sat down without saying anything.

Eye contact was difficult, but I was able to force myself, "How can I help you today?"

With a small shuffle, he dug he phone out of his pocket and tossed it on the counter, "The app for your Bank won't work."

Suddenly, my carefree air fizzle out. Some steam began to build up in my chest as I stare him down across my sleek wooden desk, "The app? That’s all you needed?" Clenching my teeth, I held back the urge to tell him that this was the financial department, not the teller line. Instead, I responded with, "Anyone in the building could have helped you with that, you asked for me specifically. Why would you do that?"

He smiled, "They aren’t who I’ve been looking for. I need you."

Need? Ok, he was attractive, and comments like that were hard to take in the correct way, especially with that uptick in his lips. I shook it off, "What's going on with the app? Are you able to log in? How ‘bout we start with your account number."

I found his account, Reichi Yamaguchi. I stared longer at his name then what he probably thought was necessary, but I knew it. "Is there a problem?" he asked, turning my attention.

The only person I knew with that name was a foreign musician. I hadn't listened to him in years. There was no way he was here with me now.

I glanced over at him, and then back; no, couldn’t be. "So, it says here you aren't even enrolled in online banking…" I started, trying to show him the absurdity of what he asked.

"Yes."

Slow deep breaths. "Ok, well let's start with that," I was frustrated for no reason. I really had nothing on my plate during our slow season, and to say it wasn't my job wasn't true. We do it all.

He lifted my name tag off the desk, "Raven, I didn't actually think people actually named their kids that."

That comment, I had heard it before. Rei…Pain caught me off guard as the memory began to bloom. I pushed it down again. Before my response, he cut me off, grabbing my eyes with his, seeking my soul, "Why are you here?"

"I-I work here. Where else am I supposed to go?" Like I drank truth serum, I spilt out the words, seeming to forget my place.

"You hate it."

"I- I ha- Well, I wouldn’t say that." Snapping back to reality, I hated when people make me lie at work, I thought.

His eyebrows raised, and with a gesture to the door he said, "The doors closed, you know."

I took a moment, trying to word something together, "My job is something I take great care. My customers lift me up and grant me everything a person would want in a job."

"You hate it and feel like you're dying every time you walk in the door."

Our eyes were locked, what was I supposed to say, "Who are you?" I clenched my teeth standing up, "Please leave. If you absolutely need anything the front line can help you."

At first, he didn't move. The look he had on his face seemed a bit confused, upset maybe, like he misheard me throwing him out of my office. Finally, he got up, dragging his phone from the table before walking out the door.

The sway of his body, there was no way it was a coincidence. The memory of him calling my name in the sheets of the old motel, more than ten years ago. Waking up alone, just catching his back as his walked out the door. Just as he did now. It couldn’t be him, what would he be doing here?

I sat back down and opened my bottom desk drawer. There was an unopened bottle of wine, a gift from a customer. One that had been sitting in this spot for probably over a year. There was no opener there, purposefully, so I wrapped my hand around the top, gripping tight. When it wouldn't open, I slumped back down, putting it back. Discouraged. It was not the time to break sobriety, obviously, still not strong enough. I smirked at my inner joke, before continuing my day.

Later, I grabbed my purse and coat, locking the office door. With a deep breath I turned to take on the night. This time, I wouldn't go straight home.

*****

"I struggle every day, even now, three years later. No matter how long it’s been, this addiction will hold onto me, no matter what," Sitting in a large circle I spoke to people who varied from friends, regulars that came every week, to complete strangers just seeing how the meetings work. Being open about my struggles makes them feel more real, more stable, making it a little easier to climb over. As they watched me, I ended my story with a quick thank you.

The head of the circle lead everyone into a clap and thanked me for sharing. As other began to share, I glanced from one person to the next. Across from me, a man caught ahold of my eyes, holding them there. Could this be another coincidence? He looked like the lead singer of the band I used to follow. The same one Rei was in. Literally went to every concert of theirs about ten years ago. There was no way that he would be sitting at this hole in the wall AA meeting, right?

As I sat trying to rationalize my thoughts, the meeting broke apart into groups. I wasn't paying attention, so I continued to sit down wondering what I’d missed. I felt a person’s presence before I saw them. In a single motion, I turned and nearly fell right out of my seat. He was sitting right there beside me, but I felt his presence before I saw him.

There was an awkward moment as I waited to see if he was going to say something. He sat with these beaming eyes, an air of glee shuddering throughout his form. My patience gave in, "Hello, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like the lead singer of The Scandal Sheets?"

His smile grew, "Do you listen to them? Aren't they a bit outdated? Are you saying that I'm outdated?"

So much so fast, "Uh, I used to, probably about ten years ago now. I can't say they aren't outdated since I don't listen to them anymore, but I definitely didn’t say you were…I don't even know what that would mean."

"Well, that makes me feel a better." That did? I asked myself. The way he perked up at the mention of the group made me feel uncertain that the last statement would do anything for him. He sat contemplating but settled as he collected himself. "Why yes, they do, and yes, I am."

"Wait, what?” I had to back track our conversation. “Wait, you are the lead singer?!" This time I did stumble out of my seat.

He just sat and chuckled at my reaction.

"You are Rusuke?" Though excited at meeting him for real, my chest fell slightly. Hidden pain I had forgotten about started to collect, but with effort tried to ignore. He had nothing to do with that.

"And you are Raven. I remember you, forever ago you followed our tour bus."

"How did you know that? How would you remember?" I felt my ears warm up in embarrassment. Taking a few breaths, I tried to settle myself. "What are you doing here?"

He seemed to take another moment to form his words, "Few years ago we fell apart. I don’t know when you stopped following us, but we did. I came here to the city 'cause I heard Reichi moved into the area."

It felt as though my heart stopped. Two coincidences, three if you call Rusuke being here, impossible. The hurt began to flood my chest. It was getting hard to breath, but I tried to play it off. "Why are you here?" I forced, trying to emphasize this specific meeting.

"For you…"

*****

That night, I felt as though I had finished off a kegger, stumbling home. I was in such a daze.

"Ever since that night, something in Rei changed. Then a few years later we received a letter. We thought it was any other fan letter, but after he disappeared. I've been looking for him ever since."

"What does that have to do with me?" I asked, feeling the hard pumping of my heart.

"It was about a child that was born a few years before. His child."

As I opened the door to my apartment, the silence created a drowning sensation. The tears started to fall before I could reach the couch. I grabbed the fluffiest blankest I could find, cuddling it, searching for any comfort if it could be found. Rubbing my face into the softness, I cried until I passed out.

*****

The darkness was back again. The slightest bit of light I saw was drawn from a nearby window. I tried to step forward, even ran toward it, but I never seemed to move. Without really knowing how, I could feel the presence of a small child. Beside me, a crib appeared. It felt as though it had always been there. When I reached in, the tiny hands pulled at my arms allowing my heart to swell as I pulled her into my arms.

Fear began to creep in. Holding her tighter I started to run to the window again to no avail. Something caught my foot and I felt myself turn attempting to protect the bundle. I hit the ground.

*****

I woke, strangling the blanket. Nothing was there, and I knew I wouldn't find anything. Instead of looking I just held on tighter. There was nothing I wanted more than her.

After a time, I knew I wouldn't sleep anymore. I sat up, looking into the window beside the couch. It was a dead stare, nothing was taken in, but I thought back to my youth trying to manifest more pain, as though that would make me feel better. How many nights have I woke up, thinking this was deserved.

*****

I struggled to get to work the next day. Puffy red eyes were covered in makeup. I rarely wore it, and was certain someone would know something happened. I forced a smile though and wave as I normally did. Numbing myself for the day to come.

Before I even got to my door, I saw him. Leaning there, waiting, Rei looked at me. I froze, feeling the ache creep up. In the back of my mind, I saw his form still sitting in the window smoking that cigarette. I looked down as I walked toward the door, and him. With a deep breath, I lifted my head and drew closer with a smile. "Morning! You were Mr. Yamaguchi, right?"

His eyes pinched together for an instance so small I almost missed it, "Uh-huh."

"What can I help you with today?" I spoke as I shuffled my bag and keys, unlocking the door and turning the light on.

He followed me in and right away shut the door behind him. The curtains to the windows into the office were pulled down, we were completely alone. Fear began tying into my inner struggle. At last, he turned to me, staring me down. I clenched my hands tight together, hoping to slow the shaking. "You know who I am."

What could I say? I glanced through the room, trying to come up with something to say. "Reichi Yamaguchi, we met yesterday."

"Do I look that different? I know it's you, Raven."

It felt like a physical slap to the face, falling back a step. Slowly, I let my eyes drift to see his. Denial starting to fade from all edges. It was my turn to stand in silence. I didn't know what to say, and at this point I was almost certain I couldn't open my tightly clenched jaw even if I wanted to. The pain had turned into a throbbing in my chest, working its way up my neck. No makeup was hiding this.

It wasn't until he handed me his phone that I noticed he made any move at all. When his hand moved away from my own, I saw a photo on his lock screen that I hadn't seen in a long time. One I had sent to him years before. I smiled up at myself, pointing at the screen to remind the small beautiful smiling girl about the camera. The toddler’s dark hair waved around her pretty little face. Pressure in my nose began to form; eyes burned as the tears fell from them.

When I spoke, it was forced out at just above a whisper, "What do you want?" I couldn't look up at him.

"I came for you… for her. I've been looking for you since this photo arrived in our fan box, eight years ago."

Slowly, I shut his phone off, rolling it over and placing it on the desk face down. "Did you ever wonder why it took me so long to send you a photo of her? We didn't want you here!"

"The right thing was for me to be here."

"The right thing? Are you kidding? I never asked anything of you. That one night was enough. I was your fan; you made my dreams come true…then you went back to your Rockstar life. We were fine."

"Was that all it was to you? A one-night stand with a Rockstar?"

"Yes," I lied sharply, turning away from him.

This was his out, he could leave now. Instead, he got close and wrapped his arms around my waist. "I don't care. I'm not leaving. This is where I want to be."

Twisting in his arm, I hit and pushed at his chest, "She's gone! There's no reason for you to be here. She. Is. Dead!" I looked up through my hair, glaring at him. My adrenaline was all that kept me going.

He looked thrown off, but his eyes sparkled, "What- how-" The pain felt like it was exploding from my chest, I was going to throw up. As I rubbed my face free of the tears that wouldn't stop, I could see the stains forming on my sleeve. Once again, he was on top of me. Arms caging me tightly. Even as I struggled, he wouldn't let go. "It's not your fault."

My strength was starting to fade. Nothing was helping, but his words settled into my ears. Ringing. "You don't know that! You don't-"

"Shh…"his voice was getting softer. Weakness overcame me, and I folded into his arms, crying into his chest.

"She was so small, no matter how much I hoped, willed, she didn't get better. Seeing her there, surrounded by all the machines, and I couldn't do anything to help her. Rei, I couldn't…"

It felt dangerous letting him comfort me like this. He might walk out in the next hour and I would never see him again, but for now, his arms comforted me in a way no one had since I was a child. For this moment, I would let myself be comforted. Tomorrow is another day.