The Orderly Eater Manifesto

Hey howdy hey, all!

It has become fairly evident to me that I should… nay, must… defend myself. Not against lawsuits, or beagles, or evil hot dog vendors wielding nuclear mustard (after all, an evil hot dog vendor would… relish… that). I must defend myself against those that do not understand the ways of the Orderly Eater. We Orderly Eaters are a misunderstood lot, mocked openly and harshly by Chaotic Eaters who choose to eat that which is on their plate in total randominity. Is randominity a word? I kinda like it. I digress.

See, an Orderly Eater like myself takes the time to view what is on their plate, assess the culinary situation and eat in an orderly, straightforward fashion. The Chaotic Eater, on the other hand, gets a plate and goes to town, giving little regard for taste, order, food groups or separation. Yet we are made to feel shamed for bringing order and balance to one of the primary needs of mankind.

I think, though, that perhaps the issue isn’t that the Chaotic Eater feels superior (which they should not). I believe the issue is that they simply do not understand the intricacies and thought that goes into the Orderly Eater’s feasting routine. They make up rules that are simply not true in weak efforts to understand, but the rules of the Orderly Eater are not easily comprehended by the Chaotic Eater and thus it sounds like open mocking.

Or it really is open mocking. Regardless, I am willing to lay out the rules which the Orderly Eater lives by. If you are like me, you will appreciate this effort to bridge the gap with our chaotic brethren. If you are not like me, then perhaps you’ll just get the damn rules straight for once. And so:

1. Food must be eaten in order of preference, from least favourite to most favourite. Hence the vegetable is eaten first, followed by the potato, followed by the roast beast, followed then by dessert. The argument most often heard here is that if there was a fire, then you will have to leave before eating the best part. I’m thinking if there’s a fire, then my first thought isn’t, “Dang, I should’ve had the cheeseburger first.” I’m thinking, “Holy crap, FIRE!”

2. Contrary to popular belief, food on a plate CAN touch. It does not need to be separated. That said, clear separation is appreciated. Deliberate mixing of food is abhorrent and should be cast asunder. Should touching occur, however, then items that have touched and/or mixed slightly must be eaten in order of preference, least to most, until the item that is least favourite is gone. This one is a little tricky to understand as there is gray areas involved, so let’s use an example. Say you have peas, potatoes with gravy, and turkey. Some peas have mixed in with the potatoes and gravy, as has some turkey. In this case, all untouched peas are eaten first, peas that mingled with potatoes next, then potatoes, then the potatoes that touch the turkey, then turkey. Then dessert. Never forget dessert.

3. Condiments, “accessories” (ie. lettuce, tomato) and/or items meant to cover a food item (ie. gravy) are considered a complement to the food item, and as such can be consumed with the food item.

4. Multiple ingredients that make up a singular food item are considered a singular food item and do not need to be separated in order to meet with the Orderly Eater criteria. So for example, pizza, even though it contains multiple items like cheese, pepperoni or puppies is considered pizza as it is meant to be together, and thus is a singular food item.

5. Drinks and baking (buns, garlic bread) are exempt from Orderly Eater rules and can be consumed intermittently throughout a meal.

6. Care must be taken to take just enough food to satisfy the hunger of the Orderly Eater. In the event that to much food is taken, then the Orderly Eater must assess throughout the meal his/her requirements and leave food behind if necessary, with the ultimate goal being that the most favourite item should be devoured in its entirety. In the event not enough food is taken, then the plate must be cleared of the first round, at which point seconds are allowed of items of the Orderly Eater’s choosing, but the same rotation and order must be adhered to.

7. In the event of a least favourite item showing up midway through a more favourite item, then the Orderly Eater has the option to either stop mid-portion to clear the least favourite item before returning to the more favourable item, or to ignore the least favourite item altogether. For instance, at a large Christmas meal you may be midway through the turkey when the hostess discovers that the corn was left in the microwave and wasn’t part of the initial distribution, and only now is being brought out. You have the option to stop eating the turkey, dollop out some corn, fully consume said corn and then resume turkey, or be sad that the corn wasn’t there initially but now the moment has passed and let the ears go by.

8. If awaiting a portion of your meal that is less favoured than what you already have received, then the Orderly Eater must wait as long as possible for said portion in order to meet the preference requirement. Should hunger dictate that something must be consumed before the portion has arrived, then it is allowable to eat the favoured portion, but slowly so that the favoured portion is not consumed in its entirety before the arrival of the less favoured portion. Upon the arrival of the less favoured portion, consuming of the favoured portion must cease in order to clear the least favoured portion of the meal. Once cleared, the Orderly Eater is then free to continue consuming the favourite portion of the meal.

And there you have it! Pretty straight-forward, I think. And when you eat orderly, you think orderly, you do orderly, and you are at peace. When you eat chaotically, you think chaotically, you DO chaotically, and you are in chaos. If everyone ate orderly, there would be no war. All evil nasty people eat chaotically, for they have no order. Think about that. And if people ate orderly, they would be accustomed to using their minds more often and would think about ways to make the world a better place as opposed to sitting down at the table and scarfing down, thinking of nothing more than the savage primal need to satisfy hunger. Orderly Eaters are also handsome, stunning, brilliant, wonderful, and great dancers.

Maybe not the last one.