The Missing Piece

I was walking alone on the beach. I could feel the soft, fine sands on my bare feet. Some of the stars were already taking glimpses of the beauty of the night.

My feet dragged me to one of the huge rocks overlooking the infinity of the vast ocean. The sway of soft air made my hair dance to its rhythm. The place was so peaceful, but I could never find one within myself. There is something or someone that is missing. I felt haunted by the memories that I know could never be changed forever.

As I looked at the horizon, I saw the lights of the city on the island adjacent to where I am. Through this, I had understood that there’s no infinity. Even the wide ocean had its end. Only I didn’t know where it does.

“Would you like to have someone to lean on?” I heard my mom’s voice beyond the rock. “I am alright, all I want is to be alone this right now,” I replied. I knew she could understand me for she knew what I have been through all these years. It had never been easy for me to move on. I had tried my best to forget but the pain kept on lacerating my heart into broken pieces painfully.

“Maybe, you need it. I have to go.” She said. I never responded anymore because my throat seemed to hold back the words I wanted to utter.

My eyes tricked me every time I remembered him. I couldn’t hold back the tears. Sometimes I thought to myself, “Perhaps, I’ll just have enough water inside me that it overflows through my eyes.” Not in my whole life, I thought to be in this situation. To lose someone I believe my everything.

“Hon, I could see that ten to twenty years from now we will be having a happy family. With all the kids running on the beach we are planning to have. Then, we are watching the sunset together and stargazing before going to sleep.” He said while back hugging at me on the veranda of our rented room on one of the beach resorts. We are watching the sunset. I could never imagine anything as romantic as this.

I just smiled, “I never thought you are as imaginative as that.” I kidded him but, in my heart, I was wishing the same. Even more than that. To live with him and our children until I could cling to life.

We were happy at that time. I could never imagine life without him by my side. I could still remember how happiness overfilled my life during our third anniversary. That was the time I could never wish for more. The man once dreamed will be mine forever.

I was writing a poem when my phone rang. I immediately answered it back when I saw “Hon” calling. I was thinking that he was going to ask me for a dinner date, or a vacation trip but when I heard another line’s voice it turned out to be on the contrary.

“Hello Shan, this is Raegan and I saw Gab unconscious inside his car which bumped on the tree.” I was shocked by that news. I could feel my tears running to my cheeks and my hand was trembling.

“Where is he now? Is he okay?” I asked with my lips stuttering. “He is okay now. I have sent my driver to your house to fetch you. He will just bring you to where we are now.” I put down the phone and took my jacket and hurriedly went out.

I saw Raegan’s car in front of our gate. I got inside and told the driver to make it faster.

“Just relax ma’am, sir Gab is okay.” The driver replied.

“How can I relax if my boyfriend is in the hospital?” I shouted the driver.

“I am sorry ma’am.” I never responded to him. I just cried. They don’t know how worried I am when it comes to Gab. I love him and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. When I looked at the window, I was shocked that we are in front of a beach resort where we first met.

“Kuya, what are we doing here? If you’re making fun of me then this is not funny?”. The driver just smiled at me and walked inside the resort. I followed him with so many questions.

“Oh my gosh, where are we? I’m dead worried about Gab then you are going to bring me here. Tell me what happened. I will tell Raegan about this. Kuya, answer me back. I look like a fool here,” I told him but kept on following.

I was thankful that there are not many guests on the resort that could hear my voice. If there’s, they might think I’m crazy because I was crying while talking to the driver but he was not minding me at all.

When I cleared my eyes from tears, I was shocked we were already in the pool. I could see many candles of different colors floating on the water. It was only the light from the candles that illumined the whole area. I have never seen Kuya because I was amazed by the place. Eventually, all the lights from the trees were turned on.

“It’s beautiful.” The only words that came out of my mouth. Then, I felt someone covered my nose and everything went black.

When I opened my eyes, I was sitting on the chair overlooking the pool. I was already wearing a gown. How could it be? I pinched my arms knowing it was just a dream but I could feel the pain. I closed my eyes and opened it several times but it never changed. I couldn’t leave the chair for it was dark in my area and I was wearing heels.

When I tried to stand, I almost jumped when everything was alighted. I saw my family, Gab’s family, and our friends. They were also wearing formal dresses. When I looked back, I saw the tarpaulin which says, “SHAN AND GAB’S ENGAGEMENT PARTY”. I was shocked. Gab didn’t inform me ahead of.

I heard his voice singing our theme song which was “On this Day”. I tried to hold my tears back but it’s useless. I was crying because of overflowing happiness and delight.

“So, will you marry me?”. He asked kneeling in my front. I looked at my family and they were smiling at me.

“How can I marry a person who makes me cry many times on our anniversary day?”. I told him. He didn’t know how I wanted to say yes but since he played my feelings, I could also do the same.

“I’m sorry. Please say yes.” I never answered him. I just looked at his eyes with tears rushing down on my cheek.

“What if I won’t……” I looked away. When I looked at him again, I had seen a tear falling from his eyes.

“Don’t you love me, Hon? I thought you are ready to be with me and to be the mother of my children.” He said. I smiled and said, “What if I won’t …say ……no”. “So, so…. It’s a…” I could feel he was tensed with the next word that will come out from my mouth.

“Yes, It’s a Yes.” I smiled and he kissed me. “Wooh! I love you Shana Faith Toledo. I want only you for the rest of my life.”

“I love you too, Gab Anthony Luistro. I also want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Although I cried a lot at that time that was still one of the happiest days of my life with him. We had our version of engagement. I thought no one can stop the wedding. We have prepared for three months but it all turned out to be nothing. My memories were drifting apart trying to remember what happened and why it turned out this way. A month before our wedding someone appeared on the scene. Just like movies, there should always be an antagonist in the story. Only I lost him in our story.

His ex-girlfriend came and told us they have a child. It was the reason why she disappeared for a long time because she was afraid of her parents, embarrassment, and the pain if Gab will deny her. They were too young back then. Her appearance made him confused. How could I fight if the one I was fighting was undecided? He didn’t know what to do. I also feel pity for the child to grow without a father. I knew how did it feel because I didn’t have one. My father also left us when I was still a kid. And my fear to be left which I mended for so many years came back.

I talked to my family first and told them my decision. At first, my mother was against it but I explained to him that I couldn’t marry a man who was upset. Although we love each other I thought we have to give time for ourselves so that we would know what we have to do. At last, she understood me. I talked to Gab and his family about it. His family respected my decision because they understood our situation. I and Gab argued so many times. He wanted to marry me but I could feel something was holding him back. I could never forget our conversation that day.

“You said you love and you will spend the rest of your life with me but now you are giving up.” He was raising his voice because we have been arguing for minutes but he couldn’t change my decision.

“Gab, please listen to me. I love you, you know that, but when Sam appeared, I know you are upset although you are not telling me. I could feel it. Let us give time to ourselves. Maybe it is not the perfect time for both of us. Try to give time to your son and Sam so that you can find yourself. Through this, you will know your happiness because if it’s not them, then it’s me.” He never responded.

I kissed him for the last time and took my bag. “Maybe, it’s a goodbye for now.” Then, I went out directly from their house.

That was the last time I saw him. It has been four years. One of our friends told me that at first, he abused himself, but after several months he decided to live with Sam and their son. That was the last news I heard about him. I blocked him in all of my accounts. My family moved to the province where my mom was born. After six months, my sister brought me to Australia and I have been staying there for three years.

I focused my attention on my work so that I could have no time to think of him. I had suitors but my heart never beats again for somebody. It was still him. If our paths will cross again, I don’t know how to react. Many times, I was thinking that what if I marry him? What if I fight for him? Perhaps I could never feel that someone has been missing in my life.

I stood from the rocks. I have never noticed that I have been there for an hour watching the city lights on the horizon, gazing the stars, hearing the clapping of the waves as it reaches the shoreline while tears flowing from my eyes. I started to walk home.

I went to my bed directly and closed my eyes. Perhaps, we were never meant to be.

Perhaps, when days, weeks, months, years, decades will pass, I could forget him. I could find someone to complete the puzzle of my life. It may not be him, who knows there would be someone to come. When someone goes, there is someone to come.