The Midwest Exorcist

The SUV swerved into Ed’s gravel driveway and came to a dramatic hault. Ed sighed and said to himself, “Here we go again.” The old man grunted as he stood up from his rocking chair and hobbled towards the vehicle. It was quite professional looking.

The SUV was a current year Range Rover with a clean matte black finish. Strapped to its top was an assortment of suitcases in an arrangement of shapes and sizes. Ed thought they looked like whatever was in them was probably expensive. The doors were painted with a slick geometric logo of a demon head on a pike. Above it was text that read: “National Exorcism Inc.”

Three figures emerged from the suv in perfect sync, as if they had choreographed their exit. The trio consisted of a chiseled blond man, a thin woman with her hair tied back, and a large man with olive colored skin. All three wore sunglasses, red ties, and leather jackets. Looking at them, Ed suppressed the urge to laugh.

The blonde man was the first to approach Ed. “You must be Ed Johnson,” The young man said as he shook Ed’s hand with the grip of an entrepreneur, “my name is Zack and these are my associates Olga and Smalls.”

Olga greeted Ed with a thick eastern european accent and the large man simply nodded and beamed.

“It’s nice to meet you folks,” Ed said politely, “and I thank you for coming all the way out here, I know it’s quite a ways out.”

“It was no trouble at all Mr. Johnson,” Zach said with a smile. “Now forgive me for shifting the conversation immediately over to business, but I understand the trouble is with your daughter?”

This one is shrewd, Ed thought, perhaps they will last a bit longer than the others. “Yes, it’s Emilly, my youngest. The trouble has been going on for about six months now and I’m afraid we just don’t know what to do. We’ve hired all sorts of people to look at her but they’ve been no help at all.”

“Not to worry Mr. Johnson,” Olga said with a confident chuckle, “we have much experience in all things paranormal, but exorcisms are our speciality.”

“That’s right!” Zach chimed in, “Why, just last month we were featured in the local news for curing a young boy who couldn’t stop speaking in tongues.”

“Well that does sound promising, but what’s happening with my daughter is a tad… stranger than that.”

Zack placed a hand on Ed’s shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry Mr. Johnson, Whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll be able to help.”

Ed thanked him and led the trio into the house. Nevermind, thought Ed, they won’t last long at all.

Though Ed’s house was old, it certainly didn’t seem like the place a demon would take up residence in. The soft pink wallpaper and handmade furniture had a cozy vibe that made it feel more like Grandma’s house than Hill house. The decor had been meticulously planned out by his late wife, and the old man did his best to keep up the warm feel.

As he showed his guests through the house he could tell that the cozzy tones of the place were working on them because their faces were plastered with cocky grins. They’ll see soon enough, he thought.

“Oh hello!” Greeted Ed’s eldest daughter, Rose, as she came in from the kitchen. She went up to each of the trio and gave them a welcoming hug. It was funny for Ed to see his daughter acting so friendly to strangers, and he suppressed the urge to laugh.

Rose was a fiercely independent country gal who knew how to work and didn’t take shit from anybody. Usually she treated strangers with a healthy dose of scrutiny, but Emily’s condition had made the poor girl desperate, just as it had Ed.

“I saw you folks the other day on the news and I told dad that they just have to be able to help Emily.” Rose said enthusiastically to Zack.

Zack smiled flirtatiously and said, “Not to worry, Ma’am. I’m sure we’ll have Emilly right as rain in no time — oh — and it’s also nice to know we have fans.”

Rose giggled and said, “Oh! Let me get you some coffee while Dad introduces you to Emily.”

Rose left for the kitchen and Ed beckoned the trio up the stairs. He led them to the bedroom at the end of the hallway but just before he grabbed the handle, he stopped.

“Now before you see Emily’s… condition, I think I should warn you — ”

“Mr Johnson please, I assure you that no matter what paranormal condition ails your daughter, we can handle it.”

Ed sighed, shrugged his shoulders, and opened the door. Darkness enveloped the house. That is not not to say that the light went out, but that darkness poured from the room like viscous paint, smothering any light it could. The trio removed their sunglasses with shaking hands, revealing wide eyes whose whites practically glowed in the dark. Tentatively, the group followed Ed into the room.

In a twin bed, underneath a homemade pink comforter, sat little 15 year old Emily. Her skin was ghostly white and her hair stuck up in greasy knots. She gave a devilish grin and weezed out, “Well, Well, Well, Daddy finally came up to visit me; I’ve been so lonely up here. Ooh! You brought me new toys too!”

The girl twisted her body like a towel being wrung out, and all her guts and bones squeezed out of her like toothpaste. The mass of innards cracked and molded itself into a hideous mockery of a face and said, “Get over here fuck toys! Let’s play!”

Ed cleared his throat and sheepishly said, “Yes well, as I said earlier, whatever sickness my daughter has is… well it’s a doozy to say the least. But I’m sure you folks will — ” Ed turned to look at Zack and his group only to find he was alone. He walked over to the hallway window that overlooked the driveway just in time to see the SUV starting up and veering away from the house at a hundred miles an hour.

Ed laughed. The laugh started as a bemused chuckle but quickly became a frantic giggle fit. The giggles slowed into a low pitch and evolved into a deep weep.

From the bedroom, the thing had returned to the shape of Ed’s daughter and mockingly said, “Aw, what’s the matter old fool? Are you sad the Scooby gang couldn’t save your whore daughter?”

Anger flared up in Ed and he screamed, “Shut up!” He slammed the bedroom door shut and the blackness that filled the house was quickly sucked up under the door like a mass of Vantablack roaches. Ed beat on the door and screamed, “Shut up! Shut up!”

“Oh my good Dad! What’s wrong?” Shouted Rose as she came up the stairs. She dropped a tray of coffee, with a crash, and ran to the old man. Ed melted in her arms and cried.

“What happened? Where are those exorcist guys?”

Hoarsely, he said, “The cowards bolted out the door as soon as they saw her.”

“What!?” The bulky midwest gal dropped her father and stomped over to the window. She flung it open and screeched, “Get back here you fucking cowards! You chicken shit gutter rats — we paid an advance! I oughta kick your teeth in through your — ”

“Rose, it’s over. They’re gone.” Ed placed his hand on his daughter and gently pulled her inside.

“Oh, those rats! Don’t worry Dad, we’ll find someone else we’ll — ”

“There is no one else, Rose.” Ed said quietly as he scooped up pieces of the coffee mugs, “We’ve been through every exorcist, psychic, priest, paranormal investigator, and flim-flam man this side of the country and beyond.”

Rose rubbed the back of her head and said with a sigh, “Actually Dad, there’s one last guy I didn’t tell you about…”

Ed paused and looked up at her. “Oh?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t mention it because it just seemed like a scam — even worse than those clowns that were just here — ah, it’s easier if I just show you.” Rose pulled out her smartphone and handed it to Ed.

The old man certainly wasn’t what they call “tech savvy” (the only computer he had her bought for himself was an old dial up) but even he could tell the website in front of him had to be the worst ever made by man. It was just a block of green text on a plain white background. Squinting, Ed read out:

“Midwest Exorcism!!!

Are you, your friends, or family experiencing some paranormal horse shit. Not a simple door creak or a chair moving by itself, but some real Amityville, “demon’s took my son” type shit? Then call Midwest Exorcism! We’re not those jokers you see screaming at squeaky windows on the Sci-Fi Channel; we’re the real deal sweetheart. For the low price of $199.95 we’ll kill any ghost, demon, poltergeist, tulpa, or ghoul that ails you. Call Midwest exorcism today! (notice: all payment must be cash and is to be paid on the day of exorcism.)”

“Jesus Christ…”

“See Dad, it’s a joke, that’s why I didn’t tell you. But there has to be someone else — ”

“Call him.”

“What!?”

Ed rubbed his eyes with one hand. “Call him.”

“But Dad — ”

“Rose,” Ed touched his daughter’s cheek and turned towards Emily’s Bedroom. “we don’t have a choice.”

Rose sighed and dialed the number on the website.

Ed had grown accustomed to all sorts of strange vehicles pulling into his driveway over the past couple of months, but nothing could have prepared him for the thing parked in front of him. It was an old, rusted out Volkswagen van that looked like it had been used as a hippie drug den back in the 60’s. Painted on its side was a Frazetta-esque mural of a ridiculously muscular man in an open flannel shirt, thrusting a severed devil’s head towards the sunrise.

The driver side door opened and out stepped the ugliest fucker old Ed had ever seen. He had skinny limbs and a long snake-like neck, but a big fat belly. His fat cheeks somehow hung below his chin and a big, scraggly mustache festered on his lip.

The man adjusted the flannel baseball cap that sat on his mop of hair and twitched the dead caterpillar on his lip. He squinted and eyed Ed’s house up and down like a trucker eyeing a lot lizard. Ed reluctantly approached him.

Ed introduced himself and offered his hand but the man ignored it. Instead, he looked Ed dead in the eye and asked, “You got the cash?”

Ed slowly lowered his hand towards his back pocket with a scowl. “Yeah I got 200 bucks right — ”

“You don’t have to pay me now, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t gipping me.” The man said flatly before hacking up a big glob of spit onto Ed’s driveway.

“Uh huh… well why don’t we get this over with Mr…”

“Oh don’t worry, you don’t have to learn my name. I’ll be in and out.”

“Sounds good to me.” Ed said curtly, and led the rude man towards his home.

The man took one step into the house and immediately stepped back outside. He exclaimed, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”

The man held up one finger, telling Ed to wait a moment, and called towards his van, “Yo Lucy! I’m gonna need you on this — we’ve got a real one!”

Ed chuckled to himself and thought, a real one, huh? Does he really think that will work on me? The Old man was about to tell the guy off for using such a hacky trick but found himself distracted by the woman that stepped out.

She was a short, fat woman in her 20’s with picket fence white skin. She wore tight leather clothes and had piercings all over her body. She had piercings in her lip, tongue, eyebrow, nose, and places old Ed didn’t even know could be pierced.

“Ed, this is my assistant Barb. Looks like the son of a bitch in your house is worse than first glance told me, so I’m gonna need a little help.”

The girl glared at Ed through the bottom of her bangs and said in a vocal fry battered voice, “Hello.”

“Uh… nice to meet you B — Wait Barb? Earlier I thought you called her Lucy?

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what I said; Linda. Are you ready or what?”

Ed gawked at the two and for a brief moment he seriously considered tossing the freaks back in their van and kicking them off his property. But then he remembered Emily and he relented. Ed sighed and escorted the two into his house.

Upon steeping in the house, the man started sniffing at the air like some kind of bloodhound. He squinted his eyes, wrinkled his face, and said, “Oh yeah, you’ve got a mean one living here.” Without looking at her, the ugly man gestured towards the piercing riddled girl and said, “Go ahead and put a sealing spell down, Ash.”

The fat girl grumbled and made a mudra pose by touching her thumbs and index fingers and sticking her hands out. She rolled her eyes in the back of her head and chanted in some sort of deep guttural language that old Ed had never heard before.

The house shook, lightly at first but it quickly became violent. All the paintings and pictures on the walls clattered to the ground. There was a crash from the kitchen and Rose came running out.

“Earthquake! Earthquake!” She screamed.

Ed held her and tried to calm her down (while trying to make sense of the situation himself). Just when the two began to hold themselves together, the pale girl stopped her chanting and the shaking ceased.

“Good job Jane, that should keep the sucker here.” The unnamed man said.

Ed took a moment to gather his bearings. He looked around at all the toppled furniture and debris, then he turned his eyes on his daughter. Ed thought he could actually see her blood boiling.

“What the hell was that!?” Rose yelled as she stomped over to the stranger.

The man stuck his filthy mustache right in Rose’s face and blurted out, “Heh?”

“T-the earthquake!” Rose stuttered in anger.

“Oh that! That wasn’t an earthquake.”

“Well what the hell was it?”

“Just a sealing spell,” the man said, matter-of-factly.

“Oh! A sealing spell. Well there you go!” Rose said sarcastically, before tossing her hands in the air and rolling her eyes, “You see Dad, I told you we shouldn’t have hired these clowns, just look what they’ve done to our house!”

Ed Ignored his daughter’s anger for the moment. Had that pudgy little teen really shaken the house with just some gibberish? Ed had begun to accept that his daughter was lost forever, but now a small sliver of hope had returned to him.

“Did that girl really shake the house just now?” he asked, amazed.

“What? Dad what — ” Rose tried to say but her father hushed her.

The unnamed man blinked one eye at a time and said, “yeah, yeah, it was just a sealing spell to keep the demon from leaving after we pull it from your daughter. That way we can kill it and keep it from finding another host.”

“Kill it!?” Ed was dumbfounded, could this ugly, rude idiot really kill that thing?

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, but before I do that, I need to know some things about your daughter — I’m guessing she’s a good kid?”

“Well… yes. She does her chores without question, gets good grades at St. Mary’s, goes to church every Sunday — ”

“Jesus Christ man! You let her live like that? Haven’t you heard the Billy Joel song?”

“What? Billy Joel?”

“Only the Good Die Young, Ed. Jesus, this is worse than I thought. I’m going to have to get the big guns for this.” He turned towards the pale girl and shouted, “Susie! Go get the rat and the axe from the van, I’m going to check out the girl.”

The many named girl rolled her eyes but ultimately obeyed. As she left, it simultaneously occurred to Ed and Rose that the strange man said he was going to use an axe on Emily and they exclaimed in unison, “Axe!” Before they could question their guest on this matter he was already up the stairs and heading towards Emily’s bedroom.

Rose and Ed chased the man and were just in time to watch him open the door. Just as it had done many times before, blackness spilled out of the room like a viscous liquid. Ed expected the man to show some shock at this disobeying of physics, but he was completely unphased. Instead, he made a scoping motion in the air and somehow caught the darkness itself on his finger. Ed then shuddered in disgust as the man licked the substance off his finger and swished it around in his mouth.

“Oh yeah, I’m definitely going to need the axe for this.”

“Wait!” Ed panicked, “when you say ax, you don’t mean you’re actually going to take an axe to my daughter, right?”

“Oh no, I do. Ah, speak of the devil!”

Ed turned with a start to find the pale girl holding a blood stained wood axe and a small cage covered by a plastic tarp. The man plucked the axe from the girl and briskly made his way towards Emily’s room before being abruptly stopped by Rose.

Rose took a firm grip of the Axe and sternly said, “Oh no mister. There is no way in hell that you are taking an axe to my baby sister.”

The man chuckled. “Relax lady, it’s Lizzie Borden’s axe, a legend. It can only cut through things of myth and fable — here I’ll show you.”

With one quick motion the man took Rose’s hand off the axe, slapped it on the wall, and sunk the axe into the middle of her palm. Ed and Rose screamed.

The man yanked the axe back and Ed fully prepared himself to see a bloody stump where his daughter’s hand should be, but instead found it was perfectly fine. Rose frantically started rubbing her hand, still in disbelief it was still there.

“See, it’s perfectly safe. Malia, give the old man the cage, I’m going to need your help on this one.” The girl tossed Ed the covered cage and before he had time to protest, they had already shut themselves in his daughter’s room.

Through the closed door Ed heard a familiar voice say, “Well, well, well, it looks like Daddy’s brought me — wait what are you doing?”

What Ed heard was both gruesome and peculiar. It started with a series of grunts and yells followed by some chanting and wet sloshing sounds. Then there was an emitting of honks, squeals, boings, and chirps. Suddenly, all the darkness around the house slurped under the door and there was silence.

Ed slowly reached for the handle only for the mustached man to burst out. He was wrestling with some kind of large serpent. It had six vestigial limbs and the face of a classic depiction of Satan. It cursed and screeched in that familiar raspy voice Ed had grown used to coming from his daughter.

The man screamed at Ed, “The cage!”

Ed quickly uncovered the cage and revealed a small, rust colored weasel. The man tossed the serpent on the ground and it curled up like a cobra about to strike.

“Open it!”

Ed flipped open the cage and the small weasel leaped out. The snake thing snapped at the rodent, but he jumped back with great speed then leaped for the things neck. The two twirled around each other in an intricate dance. Finally, the weasel tightened it’s jaws around the serpent’s throat and snapped its neck. The rust colored rodent unhinged its jaw and swallowed the demon whole, one gulp at a time.

Ed watched this display in stunned silence and when the weasel slurped up the last of the monster’s tail, it squinted at Ed and said, “Oi! What you looking at ya geezer!”

The old man jumped back in surprise at the small rat cursing at him. The creature looked like it was about to continue insulting Ed, but the mustached man grabbed it by the neck and and told it, “shut the fuck up Jef, you’re scaring the customer.”

He threw the marmot back in the cage and placed the cover on top. Ed heard a series of mumbled squeaky epipherts come from the cage before finally falling silent.

“Dad?”

Ed thought he felt his heart stop. He turned to see his little Emily standing in the doorway, leaning on the many named girl’s shoulder. She wasn’t pale, her hair wasn’t greasy, and she wasn’t screaming profanities at him. She was back.

Ed ran towards her and Rose quickly followed suit. They smothered the girl in hugs and kisses and told her how much they had missed her. It was a touching family moment but it was abruptly interrupted by a tapping on Ed’s shoulder.

The old man turned to see the ugly mustached man holding out his hand like a bell boy begging for a tip. Ed quickly pulled out his wallet and gave the man $200, all the while thanking him profusely. The man snatched the money and held out a nickel towards the old man. “Here’s your change!”

Ed eyed the coin curiously and said, “Uh… you can keep the change.”

“Really? Fucking sweet dude.” He turned his attention towards the freshly exercised Emilly. “Now You! You need to stop being such a goody two shoes or this shit is bound to happen again. Sin a little, it’s good for you. Smoke some cigarettes, go to a bar. Sleep with a boy — sleep with a girl! Scare the demons off with some good old fashioned hedonism.”

With that, the man grabbed the cage and the axe and he and the pale girl left for their van. Ed followed them out, thanking them the entire time.

When the man started the engine Ed said, “Wait, you’ve done such a service for us, at least tell me your name.”

The man smiled at Ed and said, “Don’t worry about it, old timer. If you’re lucky you’ll never even have to think about me again.”

He smiled through his thick mustache and drove off. Ed watched them drive into the sunset, happy that they came but hopeful he would never see them again.

Disclaimer: Originally published on Medium at https://quinnborch.medium.com/the-midwest-exorcist-d569f86fd832