The Merit of Regret

ACT I

Before the curtains are drawn, the audience hears the resonances of birds, indistinct chatter from people, an airplane, and other café sounds outside—the background signage states, ‘North Boors Tea Room.’

The curtains open.

EXT. TEA SHOP RESTAURANT – MORNING

A stage-size film screen features a background video of patrons enjoying their cuisine on a summer day while servers attend to their customers. The café resembles Tontine Coffee House in New York’s Manhattan.

DOSIA, age 31, and ARTEMIS, age 39, are seated in front of the screen. They are finishing breakfast at a table under a vast umbrella that shields them from the sun. He appears edgy, anxious, and slaps the currency on top of the server’s little receipt tray near his plate.

Artemis: Let’s hustle, my redemption journey starts now.

Dosia: You’re serious about apologizing to people you wronged eons ago? Don’t be foolish. They probably have forgotten, forgiven, and moved onward.

Artemis: I told you the other day it’s my amity mission. Come, I’ve arranged a visit to the reformatory to see an old friend.

THE SCENE ENDS, and the curtains close.

ACT II

The curtains open.

INT. PRISONERS’ VISITATION ROOM - MORNING

Dosia and Artemis wait and sit at one of the three circular tables in the grey-painted cinder brick wall room. They’re in the foreground. CORRECTION OFFICERS, ages 28 and 33, survey the area with the two other round tables in the background, including VISITORS and MALE INMATES wearing BLUE jumpsuits with numbers.

ENNOBLE, age 39, enters with his hands cuffed. He’s clothed in a YELLOW jumpsuit labeled with his number.

A correctional officer, FRED, age 43, directs him to the empty chair at Dosia and Artemis’ table. He is positioned across from them. Ennoble targets a scornful expression at Artemis.

Ennoble: Fred, return me to my cell. I didn’t ask to see him.

Fred: Be respectful, enjoy your visit for ten minutes.

Fred leaves the scene, but the two other guards notice Ennoble as they continue their inspection. Dosia observes Ennoble; her expression is nonplussed. Artemis struggles for a happier complexion.

Artemis: Is that how you greet your long-time pal? Ennoble; this is so unlike you.

Ennoble: Misses, has he boasted his accomplishment for entrapping me for a crime I didn’t commit, resulting in my occupation here?

Dosia: Sorry, mister, I don’t understand. Artemis regrets not being able to help you avoid incarceration. He told me that, and would never —

Ennoble: — You don’t yet recognize a man who left an abundant trail of maimed former friends and associates.

Artemis: What are you saying? You made awful choices. We all do, right? Accept responsibility and exit early on good behavior.

Ennoble: This visit is over; both of you go; don’t waste my time.

Artemis: Hey, sweetie. It’s been ages since my buddy gulped a Groovy Smooth soda. Fetch him a bottle from the vending machine, won’t you?

Dosia leaves the scene off-stage.

Ennoble: You want something from me, weasel? Speak and make it quick.

Artemis: Keep your cool and lips in check, and I’ll get you out soon.

Ennoble: Forget it. I will make a scene and have the guards throw me in solitary confinement. She ought to know.

Artemis: I can fix this. Promise. Would you like proof?

Ennoble: Sure, I won’t explode if you disclose this proof; why did you foul me? Shoot the facts, no-nonsense. Mutter it.

Artemis: (Whisper) Hold up, I’ve already told your siblings since they’re mature enough to keep it secret. But you? Nah, it’s against my principles to inform stooges. See my side of it. You don’t need to know. Just fall into the slot we set for you.

Ennoble stands and waves for attention.

Ennoble: Listen about how this sucker treated me for the good I’ve done for him. He -

Artemis reaches and pulls Ennoble back to his seat.

Artemis: - Alright, you win. Sit and listen.

Fred approaches and addresses them.

Fred: What’s the problem? You’re not supposed to touch the inmates, visitor.

Ennoble: Don’t mind us, boss. We’re clowning around, like the good old times.

Fred: I mind your visitation privileges. Don’t play with the rules, or you will lose. Got it?

Ennoble: Yes, sir.

Fred leaves the scene.

Artemis: (Whisper) Detective Mack was close to arresting Gary and me. We had to steer him to you. After all, you have a lesser extraordinary existence. So, why not? Everything worked smoothly, like a Swiss watch.

Ennoble: (Whisper) Go on. I said I’ll be cool, right?

Artemis: (Whisper) Think about it; no tedious factory work. Your wife and little ones receive social assistance, food stamps, and the works. Even if the government cuts Medicaid significantly. A few scrapings are better than none, huh, right, bro?

Ennoble expresses restraint; he takes a breath, then smiles at Artemis.

Ennoble: (Whisper) What else? Were you the one who duped my kinfolks to incriminate me? You gave them stolen items to stash in my house, hoping the law enforcement officers would find them. Or have they volunteered?

Artemis: (Whisper) Wow. You knew your fun-loving relatives, Buck and Nippy, accepted my offer for their services? Oh, whatever, so who didn’t think they’re self-seekers? Hey, don’t forget I’ll snap you an early release - guaranteed.

Ennoble: (Whisper) How about any awards for my misfortune after my exit from the big house? It’s a lot of loot, right…bro?

Artemis: (Whisper) We did the heavy lifting—nothing for you. But, cheers, Gary renovated his yacht, and I bought a bungalow. We have some leftover dough for rainy days, thanks to your sacrifice. Be happy, I’m proud of you.

Ennoble: Now, that’s a line. They'll examine your brain one day for scientific research. You're one of a kind.

Artemis: What’s great is you don’t have to fuss about being more successful in life than I. It saves me some worry. Just chill behind bars until I come and get you, sounds sweet?

Fred returns to the scene to confront Ennoble and Artemis.

Fred: Is there a purpose for whispering? That is also not permitted.

Artemis: Sorry, officer. We’ll speak up.

Fred leaves the scene.

Ennoble: It feels good to hear I enhanced your life.

Dosia returns and sits beside Artemis with a Groovy Smooth soda bottle. She smiles and extends it to Ennoble.

Dosia: I wasn’t sure what flavor you preferred; this is raspberry.

Ennoble: Thank you, but nope. My wife, Anno, will execute me if I taste the sugary garbage. She’s the head dietitian at Papyrus General Hospital.

Dosia: You said her name is Anno? She treated my mother, who’s in good health nowadays.

Displeased, Artemis grasps the soda from Dosia.

Artemius: Gimmie it, I’ll drink it, and we must go.

The three stand at the table. Dosia forwards herself to embrace Ennoble, wrapping her arms around him. He’s surprised. Fred is returning.

Ennoble: Hey, lady.

Fred nears Dosia.

Fred: Missus, restrain yourself. Physical interaction between visitors and prisoners is forbidden—none whatsoever.

Dosia: Don’t be foolish, guard. Ennoble, give some of this to your spouse and say thank you to her.

Ennoble: Sure, Dosia, I will. You take care of yourself. Big things can happen in a finger snap.

Artemis: You’re making a scene, woman.

Dosia retracts from Ennoble and looks at Artemis.

Dosia: Are we exiting? I’m set for the next stop.

THE SCENE ENDS, and the curtains close.

ACT III

Before the curtains are drawn, the audience hears the sounds of the road and traffic, the car engine running, and the turn signal blinking.

The curtains open.

INT/EXT. ARTEMIS’ EXOTIC LUXURY AUTO – LATE AFTERNOON

Artemis drives Dosia in the front seat of a cut-opened auto with a video background of an active street.

Dosia: We have visited four people thus far. Will the next one be the last? Atlas, let’s finish it.

Artemis: She’ll be next to last. You know it’s funny, the prison widened Ennoble’s phone privileges to contact people before I reach them.

Dosia: Your childhood buddy estimated you well above me.

Artemis: Ennoble's cheap chat caused Borton’s dad to boil before my arrival.

Dosia: The man blamed you for triggering his son’s coma. He wouldn’t take your apology.

Artemis: Borton harmed himself. Would you think I am at fault?

Dosia: At a restaurant filled with Borton’s bloodline, while he videotaped his marriage proposal to his girlfriend. Have you hired a spineless twit to allege Borton was cheating with her? After he proposed marriage to Erin?

Artemis: It’s rubbish. That hothead played with your emotions. Go ahead, feel sad for him, he’s pissed because his boy on life support but —

Dosia: — It isn’t rubbish. On the same night, you claimed that his Borton was unfaithful as an eyewitness. Bort lost it and later OD on meds.

Artemis: Has anyone told him to be reckless? I, the faithful friend, had a difficult task aiding Borton to face accountability. The coward found an easy way out, to escape reality by kicking the bucket. So sad, huh?

Dosia: A month later, his dad revealed the truth: Borton was 100 percent loyal to Erin. The father knew the facts. Ennoble didn't have to say a thing. It was you. You lied, didn’t you?

Artemis: Whoa, it knocked my socks off. Nevertheless, it’s a phony revelation. I was fair to his clan when Borton was sneaking from girl to girl.

Dosia: It’s a vicious scheme using a twisted fabrication to upset his fiancée, family, friends, and me. Depraved individuals concoct and make such destruction. Is that you, Art? Is it a fact, and why afflict Borton?

Artemis: How could it be true? There’s no evidence. I committed nothing wrong. I supported Borton more than any of the others. Here’s a blameless man you’re driving with.

Dosia: Pullover.

Artemis: No. Her house is seconds away; you can hang on.

Doria's face reddens with irritable anger, and she slaps both hands on the dashboard.

Dosia: I demand you stop at this moment.

He turns the steering wheel as if parking near a curb, brakes, and switches off the ignition. Irritated, Artemis rotates to Dosia, who’s furious and defensive, and folds her arms.

Artemis: We are on a solid track. I don’t understand. What’s your problem?

She unbuckles her seatbelt.

Artemis: Wait-what are you doing?

Dosia unlocks the passenger’s door.

Dosia: I’m listening to Ennoble’s advice on caring for myself. A big thing is happening, and it’s overdue. Yep, I’m waking up.

Artemis: Your insensibility doesn’t make sense. Stay put and explain.

Dosia: Comprehend this: The wedding is canceled.

She exits the car, shuts the door, paces to the front, and leaves the scene.

Artemis watches her from the side window.

Artemis: How will you return home, huh? I’m your ride.

Dosia: (Off-stage) Who requires a 'weasel' if there are trains, buses, and my brother’s automobile? Here's news for you. I heard your whispers with Ennoble; are you surprised?

Artemis: What, what are you talking about, woman?

Dosia: Get lost in a clink, won’t you?

Artemis’s head faces the audience, and he talks to himself in astonishment.

Artemis: It’s unlike her. You’re supposed to be familiar with someone special to devote your life to, and bang. She acts berserk, wishing me evil. How’d you interpret that, huh?

THE SCENE ENDS, and the curtains close.

ACT IV

The curtains open.

EXT. MRS. ANNABELLA’S CRAFTSMAN HOUSE – TWILIGHT

The house’s front faces the audience with a porch and a screen door. It is adorned with gardening tools, plants, a small table, and two wooden chairs. An orange-yellow glow illuminates the surfaces, evoking a sunset appearance.

Artemis steps on the pouch, moves slowly to the door knocker, and uses it to alert the resident. He appears nervous and uncertain, spans the area, and twiddles his fingers.

While he looks away from the door, Mrs. ANNABELLA, age 77, approaches from behind the screen, concealing part of her physical appearance.

Mrs. Annabella: Hello, stranger.

Artemis is startled. He adjusts himself, fronting her.

Artemis: Good late afternoon, Mrs. Annabella. My name is Artemius Ninimour. You probably don’t remember me. It was a long time ago.

Mrs. Annabella: What are you here for, young man?

Artemis: I’ll get to the point. I came to apologize for the badness I conducted as a boy. I was the kid who wet your rare species cat with glue and feathered it.

Mrs. Annabella: (laughs) Are you kidding me? The lousy prank is water under the bridge. Forget about it and lead a noble life.

Artemis: I’m relieved. You are an understanding person.

Mrs. Annabella: Thank you. I remembered who made a difference. Hmmm, what’s his name? Yes, Ennoble! He and his folks visited me. They brought a present, a genuine Siamese kitten with sky-blue eyes.

Artemis is disturbed and flabbergasted, shudders while listening, and rubs his forehead.

Mrs. Annabella: The boy apologized on your behalf. He said his parents wouldn’t let him associate with you anymore. All for the best, I presume.

Artemis: Well, lady, if everything’s alright, I’ll be on my way.

Mrs. Annabella: Please stand by for a moment. It is so exclusive that you dropped by to say sorry. I want to gift you. Can you wait while I fetch it?

Artemis: Sure, I’ll chill and wait.

Mrs. Annabella hurries with senior glee into her house from the audience’s view. Artemis smiles as he turns his observation from the door to the things surrounding him.

THE SCENE ENDS, and the curtains close.

ACT V

The curtains open.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM/BLACK ROOM – EVENING

The stage is equally divided into two interiors, with a sectional wall (vertical from the audience’s view) separating them. A doorway on the wall allows passage between the quarters.

In the left section is a hospital room where Artemis lies in bed with partial bandages on his left arm and chest in a cast. He wears a gown and is raised in bed halfway under the covers. A nurse, KADENE, age 23, tends to him, registering his blood pressure.

In the left section is a room completely coated in black. It features a square, purple table with a red and blue chair facing each other.

Kadene: Sir, may I speak frankly?

Artemis: Say anything. It can’t be anything worse than what my ex-girlfriend snapped at me.

Kadene: Intentional violence is absurd. The older woman committed a violent offense by shooting at you. Do you know why I say it?

Artemis: I have the know-how, more than most people. It’s your profession to care for patients, Kadene; thank you, nonetheless.

Kadene: My occupation isn’t a push button to regard the sacredness of life. Instead, it is my love for fellow people.

Artemis: Your voice sounds like a Sunday school teacher. What’s the lecture?

Kadene remains calm, buffering with firmness and dignity.

Kadene: You provoked my uncle’s near-death. I absolve you wholly. Hate and resentment consume and corrode a mortal. Good news, Uncle Bort has just awoken from the coma. Hear me; I’ll care for you. Count on it, alright?

Artemis is stunned. He glares at the nurse. She focuses on her task and finishes it.

Kadene: Your blood pressure hasn’t lowered much—it’s 130 over 79. Are you a soda pop type? If recovery is wishful, stay away from it. Rest well after your visitors. See you later.

Artemis: Who’re they?

Kadene grins and gathers her medical items. She proceeds through the doorway. In addition, Detective SARA HORST, age 36, makes sure to walk into section two from the right stage side, passing Kadene through the doorway to greet Artemis.

Horst: Good evening, Mr. Ninimour. I’m Sara Horst from the Major Crimes Unit. I regret the incident and am delighted you survived. We mounted a case against Mrs. Annabella. Thanks for your submitted testimony. Sir, I have more news.

Artemis sits up in bed, giving her the attention of an opera attendee.

Artemis: My ears are uncovered.

Horst: It’s the cream from the crop. I’ve investigated Borton Wobbles’ razor-close felo-de-se. We located the actress you hired and sent to New Zealand to hide. She was deported to our custody. Well, this is how the story goes.

Artemis seems shaken. Sara steps from his area and goes into the black room. She sits in the red chair on the left side, facing a handcuffed TOBBY, age 29, already seated in the blue chair—a comprehensive, soft, centered spotlight beams on them.

She leans, places her forearms on the table, and eagerly clasps her hands.

Horst: You provided a written and taped confession. Thank you, Tobby, for your cooperation. However, you didn’t mention an inquiry I asked about beforehand. Were you unaware of Mr. Ninimour’s motive to damage Wobbles’ life?

Tobby: The big baby boy whined he couldn’t win Erin before her marriage proposal and was left a ‘consolation prize’ of this Dosia.

Horst: Outrageous, he created a disaster because of foolish envy, and you supported his behavior for profit.

Tobby: I said before, Artie said he represented Borton’s wishes to play a joke on Erin, for laughs. After the gig, Artemis admitted his intentions and paid me to skip town. I have a signed agreement in my Tirau loft.

Horst: I wish to reconfirm your testimony. New Zealand authorities submitted the document to us. It was a ‘Candid Camera’ act. You may be cleared of criminal charges. Stay tuned, and thank you.

A POLICE ESCORT, a woman, age 27, enters the black room from the right and taps Tobbyy’s shoulder.

Sara departs from Tobby, who clears the scene to the right with the police escort. Horst returns and faces Artemis.

Stagehands, head masked and wholly garbed in black, remove the table and chairs in the black room. Afterward, Ennoble, who’s unhandcuffed, and Fred enter the second section.

Horst: We’ll discuss the charges you face soon. Here’s a little security.

Sara takes a pair of handcuffs and snaps them onto Artemius’ right wrist and the panel side rail. She leaves through the doorway to exit the stage. Correspondingly, DETECTIVE MACK, age 54, enters the way Horst departs, passing her to address Artemis.

Mack: Hi, Artemis. We’ve known each other for a while. I’m sorry about your nasty spell with the aged woman. I have a fantastic report to share with you.

Artemis: Nah, Detective Mack. I’m good. No, thank you, but thanks.

Mack: This follow-up occurred after you left Ennoble.

Mack advances into the black room and meets Ennoble and his guard chaperone, Fred. Different-colored spotlights gleam on each person.

Ennoble: I am amazed the recording captured our whispering, every word.

Mack: Top police technology adds to the evidence gathered against Artemis and Gary Grimes.

Fred: I will miss our model detainee after your pardon.

Ennoble: If I lose the case, I’ll have a fortune with my family and a career. I won’t be a factory foreman again. Through the prison’s educational platform, I earned a degree as a data analyst.

Mack: Salutations, and merci.

Mack leaves them and returns to Artemis in the hospital room. Fred and Ennoble depart the stage to the right.

Mack: You quaffed enough juicy tidbits? I’ll polish and share it with the district attorney. Those thefts hit your jackpot for the jailhouse. Later, my officer will read you your Miranda Rights. Enjoy your handcuffs.

Mack leaves the stage the way he arrived. Artemis stares into space upward and gazes at the audience.

All the surroundings are blacked out except for a spotlight on Artemis.

Artemis: I tried playing it the right way and apologizing to people, and this is how they repay me — bad for good.

He pauses in his speech and ponders for a short while.

Artemis: I’m pitiful about what transpired. My future is canned. What’s the merit of regret?

The spotlight gradually dims to noir.

THE PLAY CONCLUDES, and the curtains close.

END